The First Last Boy(39)

They left me alone in the hotel room. Fuck! I fumbled for my cell phone  and scrolled through the contacts until I reached Zane and told him what  was going down.

"Shit. I'd told them I'd be over. Pricks left without me."

I ended the call and holding my arm against my side, made the slow trek  over to the mirror. My reflection wasn't pretty. I looked as bad on the  outside as I hurt on the inside. But worse than that, I had the sinking  feeling that despite trying to prevent it, my world was about to blow up  and take everyone I loved with it.





Chapter Twenty-Six

TANA



Six o'clock and the house was still packed with people. I'd escaped into  the backyard where I swung back and forth on one of the swings on  Mark's playset. I couldn't believe that I was leaving. Though I was  excited at the idea of starting college, starting anew, it felt like  something important was ending.

The back door opened and Brooklyn walked over to me. "Hey, I was supposed to meet up with Cooper tonight."

I grinned at that. "Cooper's good looking and he seems nice."

"He is, but he canceled on me because he had to go help Ryan and I thought you'd want to know."

I put my foot out to stop the swing. I hated that my heart sped up at  the mention of his name. I'd gone to find him at the garage but there'd  been no answer and he wouldn't respond to my calls or my texts. I should  hate him for the way he'd acted with me but I could no more hate Ryan  than I could jump off a roof and fly. "Why does Ryan need help?"

"He was beaten pretty badly from getting jumped back in. Juvante and his  brothers are going to confront Chanos. Ryan called Zane because he's  going after them. I don't like the sound of all this."

"Do you know where Ryan is?"

"Zane said he was at a hotel but-"

"Take me there. Please."

Muttering that this was a bad idea, Brooklyn and I headed to her car.  She couldn't drive fast enough for me, but thankfully she was fast  enough to reach the hotel while Zane's car was still in the parking lot.  I beat my fist on the room door and when Zane opened it, I pushed past  him.

I stopped after I walked in and blinked, my heart dropping to my feet.  Ryan looked like hell. Seeing him that way made me feel physically ill  for the hurt he must have felt. He was on the edge of the bed with his  shirt off. He looked worn out. A five o'clock shadow covered his  jawline. Dark bruises littered his body. His lip was swollen and split.  I'd interrupted Zane in the act of taping up Ryan's ribs. When he saw  me, his eyes blazed with welcome and a fire of want before he doused it.  He stared at me with a blank expression.         

     



 

"You can't do this Ryan, please."

"Still not my girlfriend, Tana." He groaned when Zane pulled on the tape.

"No, but I am your friend." I knelt to help Zane with the wrapping. My  hands shook as I touched the heat from Ryan's body. My lower lip  trembled and I fought to keep from giving in to the tears. "I don't want  anything to happen to you."

"It won't."

"You don't know that. Your brothers and you could all die if you  confront Chanos," Brooklyn said quietly as she swung her gaze from Zane  to Ryan, her expression saying she clearly thought they were all idiots.

"Please don't go." I touched my hand to Ryan's face. "I love you and I want you to walk away from this."

With Zane's help, Ryan stood. His eyes were flat and hard. "How many  ways do I have to show you? What are the right words that I need to say  to you so that you'll believe me? I don't love you, Tana. And this," He  tapped his Southtown Brothers tattoo, "is who I am. It's where my  loyalty lies. So take Brooklyn and leave. You're in the way."

"Ryan, please. I'm about to leave for college. I won't see you again. I don't want to part like this. I deserve closure."

"You want closure? Fine. Leave for college and don't look back because  if you're looking back for me, you're wasting your time. Trust me when I  say there's nothing here for you."

"I don't believe you. I think that you love me but for some reason you  won't say it." I put my hand on the width of his chest. I didn't care  that Brooklyn and Zane were witnesses. "We're good together."

"You are just a fuck. Now go."

Humiliation burned on my face. He wasn't pretending. Wasn't playing.  Ryan really didn't love me. I'd thought...I pulled myself together,  gathering my pride and my heartache. "I'm sorry. I thought you were  someone I knew. Goodbye, Ryan."

I made it to Brooklyn's car and fastened the seatbelt before the sobs  tore through me. I doubled over, holding my stomach. How would I survive  having loved and lost Ryan? I knew that I would go on, that eventually  I'd think about him without feeling as if I was being crushed from the  inside out but right now, at this moment all I could do was hurt.

I went with Brooklyn to her house because I didn't want my mom to see me  upset. Though she was doing well, she was still drained and I didn't  want to add to her burden by worrying about me.

At Brooklyn's house, she took a couple of bottles of beer from the  kitchen, then we went into her room and locked the door. She popped the  cap. "Fuck boys. Who needs them?"

I took a long drink. "You're right. Who needs them?" I cried harder, then shook my head. "I hurt so much."

She got up from the desk chair and sat cross-legged on the bed beside  me. "I know that it doesn't feel okay right now, but it will. You might  not be okay today or tomorrow, or even for a while to come. But you will  get over him."

"I don't know." I plucked at the blanket covering her bed. "Ryan's my first love."

"The hurt won't last forever." She drained her beer and stuck the bottle  beneath her bed where it fell over and rolled and clinked against  glass.

I leaned over the edge of her bed at the noise. There were dozens of  beer bottles under there and a few vodka ones. I gave her a questioning  look.

"Sometimes I can't sleep." She stretched out on the bed. "But I don't  want to talk about me. This is about you. You'll go off to college and  you'll immerse yourself in classes and studying. After a while, Ryan  will be a memory that doesn't sting anymore."

"How do you know?"

"Because I've been there. Hang on." She sat up, left the room and  returned with another beer. When she sat back down, she said, "When I  was fifteen, I met my Ryan. First guy I ever loved, first guy I ever had  sex with."

"What happened to him?"

"He became a memory. I think about him from time to time but it doesn't  make my heart ache the way that it used to." She held her beer next to  mine. "So bottoms up."

I knocked the bottle against hers. "You're right." I heard myself say it but my heart wasn't buying it.

"You can call me any time when you're still in the not yet before the memory quits hurting, okay?"

I reached out and hugged her. "I wish you were going to college with me."

"I know, but the timing isn't right." She took another sip and tilted  her head, her earrings flashing. "And you know what a believer I am in  timing."         

     



 

"I know." I laughed even though I really didn't feel like it. "Do me a favor after I'm gone?"

"Anything."

"I don't want to hear a thing about Ryan. Good news, bad news. Nothing.  Don't pass any messages to me. I'll get my number changed and I'll tell  Mom not to give it to him. The only way that I can move on is to not  hear about him, not talk to him. Because if I hear the sound of his  voice, it'll be my undoing."

"You won't get anything out of me about him. It'll be like he never existed," Brooklyn agreed.

That wasn't true. I would always know that Ryan existed. I carried the  memory of his touch, the image of his face and he had my heart. I would  always be a part of him and he would always be a part of me. But  hopefully Brooklyn was right. Maybe one day it wouldn't hurt so much.







RYAN



"Brooklyn's right. We could die today. So if you want to drop me off and  go, I understand," I said as Zane drove toward the pool hall where  Chanos hung out and where we suspected everyone was headed.

Zane's jaw clenched but he ignored what I'd said and eased the car to a  stop at a red light. "You were pretty harsh with Tana. I know why you're  pushing her away, but you were an asshole."

"Yeah. I was. I did what had to be done. I need her to be safe and that's only going to happen if she stays away from me."

"It'd be hard to walk away from a girl like that."

"I don't know that I walked away as much as I crawled." I swallowed. "I feel like someone ripped my nuts out through my heart."

"That's what loving a girl does to you, man." Zane swung the car into  the parking lot of the pool hall. I didn't see Juvante's car anywhere.  Zane let the car move forward until we circled around back out of view  of the road. "Try not to hurt anyone by passing out on them, will you?"