The Devil She Knew(28)

"That's him?" Marianna asked, peering at the screen. "And that's his place?"

"One of his houses." She swiped through another article, this time in  People. It showed Nate at different social events with a variety of  women. All were gorgeous. Legs up to their eyebrows, just as she'd  imagined. But actually seeing the proof of them was a million times  worse.

"He probably has to go to parties for work," said Marianna. "And I'm  sure he's not serious about any of those women. They're probably just  casual dates. Besides, the photos had to have been taken before he met  you."

"I don't care about those women," lied Suzie. "That's not why I don't want to talk to him right now."

"Then what?"

She pointed to the cold, tough squid, congealing in the pan. "Because of  that. Because as hard as I try, I can't get anything to work out."

"Oh, sweetie. That's not true."

Suzie pulled up a third article. The Twenty Most Influential People in Technology. Nate was number five.

"You're going to have to explain it to me," said Marianna. "What I'm  seeing is a rich, successful hottie. So why are you running the other  way?"

Suzie breathed out. The minute she'd gotten back in the land of wifi,  she'd spent several hours looking up everything she could find on Nate,  as any sane woman would. There was a whole lot more than she'd ever  dreamed there'd be. The articles she'd shown Marianna were just a tiny  fraction of the ones she'd found. And with each new gushing article  she'd pulled up, her hopes had shrivelled a little more.

The man staring back at her from a hundred different magazine features  wasn't the Nate she knew. He was someone from a fantasy world. A man who  didn't even breathe the same air as she did.

"How could we possibly make a relationship work?" she asked. "When we  talked about it, he didn't even suggest leaving New York. His work is so  important, he didn't question the fact that I should be the one to  move. But I like working for you, and I don't want to leave LA and have  to start again in another city." She glanced at her dog, lying in the  hall with his head on his paws, his ears cocked toward her. "And can you  imagine Rocky living in a New York apartment?"         

     



 

Marianna looked startled. "Good lord, please don't leave. We're too busy and you'd be too hard to replace."

"See? Neither of us can move, so there's no future for us anyway." Suzie  wiped her hands on her apron, using it as an excuse to hold her face  down and hide the turmoil of emotions that had been making her feel  ragged and on edge since she'd got off the yacht. Even if she could find  a way to spend time with Nate, she'd still be lost in his shadow. He'd  been on the cover of Time magazine, for heaven's sake. She wasn't even  in her high school yearbook.

"If you like him that much, you must be able to work things out."  Marianna's tone was firm. "Only don't leave, okay? Not unless you give  me several months notice."

"I'm not going to leave. What's the point, when I'm not the right woman for him?"

The kicker had been one of the articles that talked about how successful  the self-drive system Nate was working on would be. If they were a  couple of picture books, he'd be Mr Invincible and she'd be Little Miss  Mess. They didn't belong on the same shelf.

Marianna put a consoling hand on Suzie's arm. "I hate to see you looking so sad."

"I'll be okay. Working will probably keep my mind off it. All I want is  to forget about him and concentrate on making sure tomorrow night is a  success."

"It will be. I have absolute confidence in you."

That was more than she had in herself. "Thanks, Marianna," she said  sincerely. "Now go, and don't worry about a thing. I'll see you on  Sunday."

"Don't forget to switch on the alarm."

"I won't."

The door closed behind her boss, and as if he knew it was safe to let  their real feelings show, Rusty lifted his head and whined. He was  strictly forbidden from going into Marianna's kitchen where they did all  their food preparation, but he was lying in the hallway as close as he  was allowed to get.

Suzie wanted to throw her arms around him, bury her face in his fur and  sob. But she couldn't afford to, not when she had three hundred mini  quiches to prep for tomorrow night. She was scraping calamari into the  trash and managing to drop most of it on the floor in the process, when  her phone rang.

Nate again? How was she ever going to be able to concentrate on anything  else when he kept calling her? And how on earth would she get over him?  This had to stop.

She took a breath and answered it. But instead of hello, she said, "Yes?" in a cold tone.

He was silent for a moment. Then, "I've caught you at a bad time."

Suzie tried to run her hand through her hair, accidentally pulling a  hunk of curls out from the bun she wore while she was cooking. "You  have. I'm sorry. Things aren't going well."

"What's wrong?"

"The calamari I cooked is about as edible as the tires on my car, and  all my plans were for nothing. I'm about to make three hundred mini  quiches. You?"

"I miss you," he said simply. "It hurts and I hate it."

This was exactly what she was afraid of. "Nate, I can't do this now."

"It's not why I rang. I wanted to wish you luck for tomorrow night. I'm  sorry your preparation isn't going well, but after the meals you cooked  on the yacht, I can't believe the wedding will be anything but a  complete success."

Her hand tightened around her phone. If only he were right. And now,  just to add to her misery, she felt bad for snapping at him. It wasn't  his fault everything had turned to crap.

"How did your test go?" she asked.

His tone lightened. "It worked perfectly. My business partner and I have  a meeting with the car manufacturer tomorrow, and we're going to turn  down their offer." He laughed. "I'm looking forward to it."

Great. He was happy about turning down fifty-five million dollars. No  doubt because he knew he'd make plenty more than that, and get to live  his dream while he was doing it.

Suzie stared at the calamari splattered on the floor, her throat  tightening. Any minute she was going to let the tears burst out and then  she wouldn't be able to stop them. "I'm happy for you." It came out  sounding choked. "Sorry. I've got to go."

"Suzie? Are you okay?"

She cleared her throat, forcing herself to be calm. This wasn't the time  for more tears. She had to end the call, then roll up her sleeves and  start making three hundred mini quiche cases. Tonight, when she was at  home in bed, she'd let herself cry. Until then she couldn't allow  herself to feel the pain that chiseled at her insides when she thought  about never getting to spend time with Nate again.         

     



 

"I can't do this," she said. "I'm sorry."

"You can't still be angry about what happened on the yacht?"

"That's not it."

"Then tell me why. The truth. I won't leave you alone unless you do."

The truth? Well, why not? It wasn't like she had any dignity or  self-respect left to lose. She took a breath. "It's because I'll never  feel like anything but a failure when I'm around you."

"What?" He sounded startled. "Do I make you feel that way?"

"Yes, but not on purpose. And it's nothing you can do anything about."

"What do you mean?"

"How many millions did you make selling Journeyman? How could anything I did ever compare to that?"

"Suzie, it's not a competition."

"No. Because I'm too far behind. I don't want to be the one who's always  trailing, Nate. For once I want to be the one who's out in front. I'll  never get that if we're together."

He was silent for a moment. "If only you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd know you've already won."

Oh God. He was making this so hard. Was she making a huge mistake?

But the mess of ruined calamari was right there in front of her, and  Nate lived thousands of miles away. As hard as it was, ending it now had  to be the right thing to do.

"I'm sorry, Nate. But confidence isn't something you can give me. It's  something I have to find for myself." Her tears were flowing now, ready  or not. She'd never hated herself more than she did right now, saying  goodbye in the cruelest possible way to the man she'd grown to love. It  was the only way she could say goodbye, and know he wouldn't keep  trying. Because at any moment her resolve was going to shatter, and then  she'd be lost.

"Suzie, I'm in love with you."

She squeezed her eyes shut, one hand pressed to her chest as though  applying pressure could stop the pain. Breathe, Suzie. Air goes in, air  goes out.

"Suz?"

With her eyes closed and the phone hard against her ear, she slowly  shook her head. She couldn't let his feelings change her decision. All  her life she'd been putting herself second, and she wasn't going to do  that anymore. Not even for him.