Sweet Nothing(63)
“Thanks.”
“No problem. Hey. Wish me luck with Goodwin today.”
“You won’t need it.” I’m trying for light. Breezy, even. I’m failing.
Luke waves and slips out the door just as my first few students are trickling in. I greet them and then turn my back to the class, scribbling something unnecessary on the board. I’ve hurt him with my hesitation, I know that. And I hate it. But doesn’t he see that meeting his daughter is a huge step? It’s a step I need time to think about. A step I’m just not sure I’m ready to take.
chapter twenty-four
Elle,
I’m really sorry about the things I said on the phone yesterday morning. I didn’t mean them. It’s just that I’ve been thinking about coming to stay with you ever since you left New York. Even though school isn’t terrible, and I’m used to Mom being…. Mom, I really loved the idea of the two of us living together. And then it felt like you shot me down. But I know you’re right. One more year. I can do it.
Love you for infinity,
A
“It’s just like the movies,” Waverly says the next afternoon after school. The girls and I are stretched out on a sunny patch of grass at the edge of campus, overlooking the bay. The breeze is warm; the sun brassy on the water. “So, here’s how it goes. Usually, the kid is a jerk. Especially if it’s a girl. He has a girl, right?”
I nod.
“Girls are the worst,” she confirms. “Total bitches. I was a bitch to my stepmom when we first met.” She plucks a few blades of grass and twirls them between her fingers. “Actually, I’m a bitch to her now, come to think of it.”
“You’re being the opposite of helpful.” Gwen tears a piece of fruit leather into two and offers me the bigger half. I force a smile and shake my head.
“She’s five, Waverly.” I ball up the soft blue cardigan I wore over my strapless gray dress and use it as a pillow. The grass is thick and rough beneath me. I want to stay here forever. Or at least until breakfast tomorrow. “I sincerely doubt she’s a bitch at five.”
“You obviously haven’t seen the movies.”
“What movies?” I snap.
“Waverly. Take it down a notch, okay?” Gwen says warily.
“Let me finish,” Waverly protests. “They’re bitches at first, but then they come around, and by the end, you’re getting pedicures together and buying her her first box of tampons.”
I close my eyes and try to breathe deeply. “What about you and your stepmom?”
“That doesn’t count. The woman is a gold-digging piece of—”
“Listen. Ellie. It’s simple,” Gwen interrupts. “Trust your gut on this one. What does your intuition tell you?”
“My intuition says I’m about to throw up,” I murmur. “My intuition also says that this dinner is happening in an hour and a half, and I still haven’t told Luke whether I’m coming, and that’s really rude.”
“Who eats dinner at six?” Waverly muses.
“FIVE YEAR-OLDS,” I bellow.
My pale skin is starting to burn under the afternoon sun. It feels good. I lie there in silence for a while, trying not to think of all the things that could go wrong. I don’t know how to act around a little kid. I won’t know what to say. And if there’s anything genetic about maternal instincts, then I’m totally fucked.
“Hey, Elle?” Gwen’s voice is soft. “Do you love Luke?”
The question swoops down and covers me. Do I love Luke? A man who’s kind and gentle, and who takes the time to surprise me and cook for me and who understands pain and surviving it and who makes my body and heart want to burst when he’s close.
“Of course.” My voice is small, and I know the words to be true.
“Then it’s fairly simple, right? If you love him.”
“Oh.” I sit up and squint into the sun.
“I don’t mean that it’s easy.” Gwen leans over and brushes bits of grass from my shoulder. “I just mean that it’s simple.”
“Do you not want to meet her?” Waverly asks.
“It’s not that I don’t want to meet her. I mean, she’s just a kid. An adorable kid, actually. It’s just that we’re getting to a really good place, Luke and me. I don’t want to screw it up.”
“You won’t screw it up,” Waverly argues.
You don’t know me. Not really. I screw everything up.
“You won’t,” she says again. “Just don’t curse in front of her, get drunk and hit on her boyfriend on her birthday, or try to fit into one of her outfits even though you haven’t been a size four since HIGH SCHOOL, psycho-skank.”