RUIN(16)

"You should have stopped me. You should have just talked to me, Ben."

"I wasn't rational." He leans his head into mine. "I was fighting with myself, Kayla. The selfish part of me wanted to keep you away from Parker and the part that cares for you wanted you to have the life you wanted, even if it was with him. I was terrified of making another mistake that would cost me someone important to me."

"I wish you would have told me then that you knew him," I offer quietly. I do wish for that. Regardless of whether Parker was bad for me or not, Ben took on the task of weaving a new path for my life on his own.

"History is a powerful thing." His legs move slightly. "I asked you about him weeks ago. You told me he was your first love."

I cringe at the reminder. If life offered a redo of memorable moments that you carry with you forever, that would be mine. I did love Parker back when my innocent need to have a love that lasted a lifetime clouded all my better judgment. Parker was always looking over my shoulder for the next best thing which typically came dressed in a short skirt and had blonde hair and big tits. I never measured up to his ideal. I was the plain, skinny, brunette who was always sitting in wait for him every time he decided to sow his oats. Youth may offer many things, but in my case, my teenage years offered nothing but difficult memories of poor choices.

"I fell in love with Parker the same day I got my driver's license." I pull his hands tighter around my body. "That should tell you something about how immature I was."

He laughs so loud it bounces against the walls and fills the room. It's a beautiful laugh. One I've rarely heard. "You were young. People don't think straight when they're young."

"I'm still too young to think straight." I reach back to run my palm over his hip. "I'm not too young to know Parker is bad for me."

"When I first knew you two had been together, we were struggling with the Noah stuff." He adjusts his body slightly, pushing his knee over my legs. "I was worried."

"About what?" My hand slides down to caress the skin of his thigh.

"That Noah would tell you about what happened with our mother and you'd run back to Parker if you knew he wanted you."

It fits. Ben was almost frantic at times before I learned of the circumstances surrounding his mother's death. "I didn't run away when I found out, Ben."

"That only made me want you so much more." His lips push into my shoulder. "You were so kind and good to me. You listened to me talk about her and Noah. You didn't give up on me."

"I wouldn't have given up on you." I mean it. The thought of walking away from Ben when he was trying to claw his way out of that emotional hell that was created after his mother died, wasn't something I ever could have done. I cared too much about him.

"I thought you had when I saw you in Parker's apartment." His breath hitches before he continues, "I thought you were moving back in with him."

"What?" I flip over so quickly he can't react. "You didn't really think that."

"I went to Boston to meet with some doctors for a project I'm working on." He stops to push a few hairs away from my forehead and out of my eyes. "I got a call from Parker saying he wanted to talk to you to tell you he loved you. I wasn't in New York. I felt so far away from you."

"You had no idea I was in Boston," I offer sullenly. He couldn't have known. I went there to surprise him with the news that Noah was ready to let him back into his life.

He shakes his head briefly. "I panicked. I imagined Parker calling you and everything changing that day."

"So you went to talk to him?"

He leans forward brushing his lips softly across mine. "I asked for his address. I wanted to do it in person so I could control things."

"You told him he could have me back once you got Noah back." I don’t say it with malice or anger. I say it because it's what I heard.

"Kayla." He runs his hand along my jawline. "I would never have let him have you."

"I heard you say it." It's been the one part of that day that has haunted me relentlessly. Hearing Ben essentially tell Parker that I was his to have back was unforgettable. It made me feel like a pair of old borrowed shoes that no longer serve their purpose so they're sent back to their owner, weathered and torn.

"I met Parker in the lobby of his building." His grip on me tightens. "The very first thing he said to me was that he bought a train ticket for New York. He was taking the ring he bought and coming to see you."

I hadn't thought there was anything to their conversation beyond what I heard when I was standing in the bedroom after they walked into the apartment. "I didn’t know that."