Only in Dreams(62)

I huff, “You’re not putting me through anything. I’m here because I want to be,” I insist. In a moment everything has been turned on its head, and all I can think about is the idea of Henry no longer being in the world. I wish my heart would stop aching.

“I’m giving you an out. You don’t have to do this with me. Nobody will blame you. I won’t blame you.” His voice is tender and sweet.

“Stop. Stop it now!” I snap. I don’t have to think about it. The answer pops out immediately. “Don’t be ridiculous. This doesn’t change a thing. In a week we’ll be married, and I’ll be by your side the entire time. We’re going to beat this—together.”

I’m certain the words I spoke are truer than any other I have ever spoken. Sitting here with Henry, the idea of death stealing him from my world, there is no more confusion. Christian will move on. Here, with Henry, is exactly where I’m supposed to be. And I am ready to make it that way permanently. We’ll figure this out.

Suddenly the reality of what I’ve done comes crashing down. I assumed Henry was pulling away because he sensed something in me, when in fact, he was fighting here, all by himself. I’m sickened as my epic selfishness settles over me.

“Oh God,” I moan, collapsing from my chair onto my knees. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” I say over and over. He assumes I am sorry he’s sick, but there is so much more I am sorry for.

He doesn’t hesitate to get down on his knees with me, wrapping his arms around my convulsing body, attempting to console me. My sobs are heavier as I feel how weak his grasp is.

“Are you sure?” he asks me. “Everyone would understand if this is too much for you.”

“Don’t ask again,” I tell him through tears. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, baby,” he says with an intense relief in his voice.

It’s more than loving him and knowing he loves me. It’s exactly as his mother had told me all those years ago: without him in my life, there will be a hole—one that I doubt could ever be filled. I will marry Henry, and we’ll fight this, harder than either of us have fought for anything in our lives.

I decide I’ll call Christian first thing tomorrow and tell him I’ve made a mistake—a terrible mistake.





I’VE WAITED MY entire life for this moment. The day where I take all of my designs from the very earliest stages to full execution of pieces that will be worn down the runway. A dream I thought was impossible is now coming true. But it no longer seems to carry any importance for me.

All I can think about is Henry. I keep wondering if I’d never left New York, would I have seen him deteriorating and forced him to see a specialist much sooner? Would a couple of months mean he had more of a chance? While I was in Christian’s arms, I should have been here, focusing on Henry and our wedding.

“Paige,” I hear Emmie’s voice behind me. She flew in to help with the final details of the show and was staying through the week until the wedding was over. “This young lady here is having trouble fitting into the piece set aside for her. You have her marked as wearing midnight haze.”

I turn and size up the model; it’s obvious she didn’t provide accurate measurements to the agency. “Send her over to Marcy. She has a couple back up pieces we could try.” I turn and begin examining the schedule, making sure the order the pieces appear on stage in is complementary, but I still can’t concentrate. Trailing after each thought is one about Henry.

“How are you doing?” Emmie asks, moving in next to me.

“I’m great,” I lie. “I can’t believe Eva lent me Marcy for the night. It’s such a huge help.” I’d worked under Eva in Paris when she launched her line. Marcy was my replacement, and boy, is she amazing.

“That’s not exactly what I meant,” Emmie interjects.

“I don’t understand, what do you mean then?”

“I get off the plane this morning and when I get to your place, you drop the ‘Henry has cancer’ bomb on me, and then we come here. What I mean is, how are you holding up?”

I shake my head and smile at my friend. “I’m not going to let myself get down. Henry said that the doctors told him half the battle is keeping a positive attitude. I wish he didn’t have to have treatments before our honeymoon, but I guess the sooner they start the better.”

“Paige, honey, do you really think it’s a good idea to get married right now?” Emmie asks softly, reaching out and touching my arm.

“What? Henry’s sick so I should just abandon him?”