Only in Dreams(59)

He looks into my eyes. “We need to finish our talk.”

“I’m sorry?” I play ignorant.

“From last night,” he adds.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He shakes his head. “We’re not leaving until you tell me why you were crying.”

I collapse the rest of the way onto the blanket. I know even less now than I did then about why I broke down. How can I make him understand how confused I am? Who knows, maybe it’s bridal jitters. “I don’t know,” I say honestly.

Christian narrows his stare. “I think you probably have a pretty good idea.”

I ponder what he says. Deep down, I’d also like to know what made me cry. I swallow hard and decide maybe he can help me find the answers. “I don’t know—everything has just felt so messed up lately.”

“In what way?”

“Look, I get that you still love me, and obviously I still have some sort of feelings for you, but I also know I love Henry. We fit together really well, and he makes me happy. I think coming down here and stirring up all these feelings was a mistake,” I explain, almost as much to myself as to him.

“Okay, that’s fair,” he begins, thinking through my statement. “And I’m sure you do care a lot for Henry. From everything you’ve told me he’s an amazing guy.”

“He is!” I declare.

“No one is saying otherwise.”

“I know, but the last couple weeks he’s been standoffish, and I think he knows that I’m keeping something from him. I’m just so scared I’ve messed everything up.”

“Is it us you’re keeping from him?” I nod. “Why did you keep it from him?”

I look at him with a bit of disgust. “Really? Let’s not even go there. You’re not going to make this into something it’s not. You know you are the who pushed me into this, and there was no way I was going to tell my fiancé that I agreed to such an insane thing.”

“Slow down, I’m not trying to blame something on you or trick you. I really want to help figure this out ... for both of us. It worries me when you tell me he’s changed lately.”

“Honestly, I think I’ve been feeling so guilty he can tell something is up. It’s probably my fault.”

“I don’t understand, we haven’t done anything,” Christian reminds me.

“Just because we’re not screwing around doesn’t mean I haven’t cheated. Emotional cheating might be worse,” I grumble remorsefully.

“So what you’re trying to tell me is that you’ve been carrying on an emotional affair with me?” Christian asks with a half smile.

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. You see,” he says, moving in close to me. With each word he speaks, he inches even closer to my face. “I know what this is. I know what I want, and I don’t have someone else. I don’t want someone else. All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you.”

“Christian, don’t,” I say, pushing his body away with my open palms, my stomach flipping in response to his words.

“If you can honestly say that you don’t love me, then get up and leave this house right now, but if there is still love for me in your heart, then please, don’t give up on us.” His voice shakes as he speaks.

“Damn it!” I exclaim, slipping out of his grasp and hopping to my feet. “I’m engaged!”

He quickly follows my lead and stands, rushing up and grabbing me by my upper arms. “But you shouldn’t be marrying him—you should be marrying me.”

I know he’s about to kiss me. I can see it in his eyes. He can see that I know it, and when I don’t pull away, he knows I want him to as much as he wants to. Pulling me close with his strong hands, he presses his mouth against mine. My lips part, and his wet, warm tongue glides in, exploring me.

I don’t struggle, but instead I lift a hand, placing it on the middle of his back. I lift the other to his head, running my fingertips through his hair. I’m sad when he begins to pull away, but then filled with excitement as I feel him trailing little kisses down my chin, then my neck, then—

“I can’t!” I shout, finally managing to push him away.

He looks at me intensely. I can see the raw desire in him, and it’s making me want him even more. “You can’t what? Marry him or be with me?”

“I can’t do this to Henry,” I answer.

“You’re right, you can’t. You need to go home to New York and tell him it’s over.”

I stand there, silent, processing all of Christian’s words, and as much as I want to argue with him, and tell him he’s wrong, that Henry is my soul mate, I can’t. No matter how much I care for Henry, I know there’s a reason I keep getting drawn back into Christian.