Only in Dreams(65)

He flinches, as though my words cause him physical pain, and then shakes his head no. “I don’t believe you.”

“It doesn’t matter what you believe.” In the movies such a gesture comes across as romantic and grand, but all I can think about is how selfish he is to come here. I shudder as the thought of Henry finding out what I’ve done pops into my mind. “I’m marrying Henry, and that’s the end of it.”

He moves closer, as I take another step back and now find myself against the wall. “No, something happened. It had to. You can’t change your mind that fast. Did he say something to you? Paige …” Christian pauses as he considers his next words carefully. “Did he threaten you somehow?”

I laugh. “Really? You know nothing about me, do you? You think I would be with someone so cruel? I made a mistake in Texas. I’m just grateful it was only a kiss and nothing else happened.”

“It wasn’t just a kiss, and you know that,” he insists, before looking down at the ground, obviously struggling to hear the truth. My anger at his selfishness shifts into one of sorrow. No matter who is in my life, it seems I find a way to hurt them. I do love Christian. He was my first real love, and I know he’ll always have a place in my heart because of that. How can I explain to him that a man who has done nothing but honor and support me for four years needs me, and that I love Henry enough to make it work?

It’s clear to me he isn’t going to go easily, and as much as I want to let him down gently, I need to get him out of here and fast. I decide it’s time I pull out the big guns, so leaning forward I ask, “Just who do you think you are? You come in here and tell me everything I feel for Henry is a lie? Damn it, Christian! You don’t know me anymore. If you did, you wouldn’t be here. Yeah, we kissed, it was nice, but that was it. It was the memories of what we were, but nothing we can ever be.”

“Bullshit!” he snaps. “I know you felt it, too. That night I held you was the best I’ve slept in years.”

Narrowing my stare, I look directly in his eyes. Forcefully, I say, “I’m sorry that moment was something more for you than it was for me. All it took was seeing Henry for me to realize my life is here with him. I’m not the same girl you fell in love with, and I think that’s who you see when you look at me. I’ve grown into a strong woman, one too strong to just to fall back into a broken relationship.”

“What are you talking about? I want you because you are strong. I see you for exactly who you’ve become—at least I thought I did.”

“If you did, then you would know I’m exactly where I want to be,” I reply softly.

Christian doesn’t answer; he looks at me, his eyes watery. “Paige—” his voice cracks.

“I’m done talking about this. And I’m done with you.”

“How can you be so cold? Are you trying to get back at me for hurting you all those years ago?”

“If you think I’m that petty, why would you even want to be with me?”

“I don’t think—” he starts, quickly wiping away a single tear that escaped down his cheek. I force myself to think about all the pain and hurt he has caused me, all the things that would make me angry, so that I don’t cry as well. I can’t let him see me cry.

“You’re the type of person who will always break promises, and I’m not about to allow my heart to be broken again. That’s why I need someone like Henry. He’ll never hurt me.”

He sighs. “So you want to be with him because he’s safe, not because you love him?”

I cross my arms, guarding myself, and then answer confidently, “Nothing is safe about giving yourself to another person forever. The fact that you can even stand there and say that shows how little you know about real love.”

“Enlighten me then.” He no longer sounds hurt. Instead, his frustration shows through.

“When I imagine life without Henry, it’s like imagining a world without oxygen.” I hear voices outside in the hallway; this needs to end immediately, before someone catches a glimpse of Christian and gets the wrong idea. “You need to leave. Now!”

My tone surprises him. He looks me in my eyes and says, “I guess it’s true. A guy like me only gets the girl in his dreams.”

When he walks out the door I turn and collapse into a chair, clutching the tattoo on my wrist. I just might take the chance. Weezer’s “Only In Dreams,” begins to play in my head as if on repeat. I grab the towel on the back of the chair next to me and press it to my face, comforting myself. It’s over, don’t cry for him, it’s finally over. He has to hate you after that.