Never Been Loved(38)

Sera's the kind of girl you marry, the kind of girl you bring home to the parents. Her boys know this and so do I.

I'll say this: her boys aren't hesitant about coming to meet me. I get a  sick sense of satisfaction when I realize I'm taller than all of them,  and even though I'm just wearing jeans and a t-shirt and them in fancy  office wear, there's an unseen pissing contest going on and I just won.

I shake hands and meet all of them.

Alex is the new owner of this place, and I tell him congratulations on  it since I have manners. He nods his thanks, and a guy named Josh comes  into my view, the shortest of the bunch, but probably the loudest if the  way he just laughed at something another guy just said is any  indication.

A dude named Eli comes next, the guy's already holding a glass of some  of the hard stuff, and his smile is nonchalant. Next comes Tommy, he  gives me a firm handshake and a casual up and down appraisal that takes  in my ratty jeans and Hanes t-shirt that I've owned since Matty was  born.

Let them make their judgements. Only one of them matters to me.

Sera's friend, Katie, comes up and kisses both my cheeks, some weird  European-descendant thing that these guys do. Just something else to  mark me as an outsider, I guess.

Eli points at me with his glass. I blink at him. "So, you're her next door neighbour, huh?"

There's always an asshole. Always.

I nod, wondering if someone's gonna offer me a beer or I have to search  it out myself. Alex appears beside me with a red cup that looks like it  has beer in it, and gives it to me, ready-to-drink.

"Here, man. Enjoy. Food's being laid out on the table there, so help yourself. I'm waiting for the rest."

"Thanks." I'm hoping he didn't spit it in it, or worse, but I take a  swallow of my beer, and think about how I'm going to answer Eli's  question. To be a dick or not? Then I think of Sera, and I want her to  be proud of me.

"Yeah. I'm actually her next door neighbour. Do you need to see my licence?"

Eli laughs, but it stutters out fast. Josh comes back to the group and knocks his beer against mine.

They're all looking at me like I'm some zoo animal and they're expecting me to do something cool.

Yeah, no. Not going to happen. I'm only going to jump through flaming hoops for Sera.

"What my esteemed friend here is trying to say is, are you with our  friend?" Tommy asks, and I'm getting a douchey vibe off of him. I narrow  my eyes and take in the Mafioso chunk of a ring he has on his right  hand. He's wearing his button-down shirt with some khakis like he's got  someone to impress. Maybe he does have someone to impress.         

     



 

Katie or Sera?

The guy doesn't even let me answer as he moves away from our sausage  circle and moves to Sera. I catch him putting his arm around her out of  the corner of my eye.

I don't like that guy.

"Thanks for having me," I say to Alex, because manners.

"Any friend of Sera's is a friend of ours," Josh says, nodding at me.  "But seriously, if you hurt her, I'll break your fucking legs." He  stills smiles when he says it and I think it's a joke.

"I'm not a tool."

Josh nods, keeping his voice low so the ladies don't hear. "Doesn't  matter. She comes crying to me, I'll give you what you deserve."

"True that," Eli chimes in, taking a swallow from his liquor.

Alex nods at this homicidal promise.

"I do whatever she wants me to do," I say, realizing it's true and not  just a line. "I'm here because she invited me." My head's starting to  feel …  fuzzy, and it feels lost, like its floating somewhere outside of  my skull.

No. Not here, not now. You need to prove yourself. Why does this have to happen now?

I lick my dry lips, and try to appear normal. Funny thing with diabetes  is, nobody really notices how bad you're feeling unless they're attuned  to it, unless they know what signs to be looking for.

These guys have no idea I'm going to be at my weakest.

You can tell them you need something to eat. You can tell them you can't  have this conversation right now because you need some food.

Yeah, and I'd never live it down.

These guys smell a drop of blood, and I'm toast. They're protective of  Sera, I get that, but they should know that Sera has all the power in  this relationship. Or whatever we have going on between us.

I watch that guy Tommy give Sera a kiss on the cheek, not in greeting,  but just because and that feels like it's directed at me, a quarter-life  crisis kind of look what I have and you don't. He comes over to our  conversation and looks at everyone else but at me.

Doesn't fucking matter right now. I'm trying to listen to what Eli has  to say, something about markets or some shit, but the world is starting  spin or it's me doing the swaying. Just ask for some food. No one has to  know.

Everyone's going to know soon enough. I'm nodding like an idiot, letting  the words pass over me without taking the time to process them. The  world's a bubble that's keeping everything around moving light years  ahead of me and I'm stuck in place, watching in confusion as it all  happens.

My sugar's dropping, but I don't want to do this here. I have to prove  to the guys that I'm good for Sera, and what good am I when I'm  nose-diving so fucking badly because I need to eat something?

Maybe if I just look for Sera, maybe I can walk over there and tell her  what I need. She's going to have to save me  –  again. I can't make a  habit out of this; I'm supposed to be protecting her, not the other way  around.

The telltale black spots in my vision are doing their little  choreography and in the middle of their sequence, I see Sera walking  towards me with a plate of food.

Fucking shit, I'm falling for this girl.

"Here," she says, holding out a plate of exactly what I need. She trades  me my beer for another red cup, and without thinking I start downing  it, surprised to find it's apple juice. My eyes slide closed and I'm so  incredibly thankful that she's here, that she understands without me  having to explain all the time.

"Jesus, what did you do? Give her the best orgasm of her life? Fuck,  man, she never gets us plates of food, no matter how long we beg," that  fucker Tommy says, clapping me on the shoulder like we've known each  other since kindergarten.

His words barely register as I'm sucking back the juice with every ounce  of desperation I have. I need my A game, and all I've been showing off  is failure.

After I've downed the apple juice, the silence in our immediate group  hits me first. The look on Sera's face hits me second, the look of  complete horror as she stares at Tommy. Her beautiful eyes get hard, and  her mouth twists into a snarl, and I swear to God I'm hard at the sight  of her.

Then Tommy's words kick in belatedly, seconds too long, seconds too  late, and I can't open my fucking mouth to think of something to say,  anything to say to make this better.

I'm at much at fault as he is  –  because my silence defines what just happened.

I'm going to kill him for that.





Chapter 19



The look on Tommy's face disgusts me, actually unsettles my stomach.  He's grinning, the fucker, like he's told the best joke in the world,  instead of hurting one of his friends. There has to be something more  going on here, because the asshole makes sure to make eye contact with  me.         

     



 

I turn away to look at Sera, and feel like I've eaten ground glass at  the way she looks so fucking hurt, the way her eyes are starting to  water.

There was no need for Tommy to say something like that, no fucking way.  Sera doesn't deserve to be treated like that  –  not by anyone.

It's like we're all rooted by shock, until Josh turns and yells at Tommy.

"What the FUCK is wrong with you?"

Everyone else starts yelling, but I keep looking at Sera, unable to move  or speak, not while the sugar gets into my bloodstream and brain. I  can't do anything, I can't protect her, I can't throw a punch  –  nothing,  zip, nada.

There's absolutely no reason for me to be here. I might as well not exist.

Except Sera's looking at me like she's completely mortified, like I've  figured out some crazy secret she's been hiding. Doesn't matter what  she's hiding; if anything, she's seen the weakest, most pathetic part of  me and did nothing but help me out.

That kind of person deserves leeway, deserves only the best of the best.

Once I start feeling better, I'm going to tell her that.

Right now, all I can do is watch it play out in front of me as I stand  here being useless, trying to stuff my face with as much food as  possible, while trying not to look like a spectator.

Sera's moving towards me, and before I know it, she's got me sitting on a couch.

"Why did you even drive if you weren't feeling well?" she growls, moving  me around so I'm not holding my plate anymore, but it's sitting on my  thighs.

Fuck, is it too early to say I love you? To tell her I'll be devoted to her until she doesn't want me anymore?

And where the hell does she get off being angry at me? I'm the diabetic here, and my sugar's shot to shit.