Never Been Loved(37)

Chapter 18



The kid's almost in full-tantrum mode. He's usually good about me  telling him that he can't have certain things, like toys and shit  because I just can't pay for them, but when it comes to sticking to me  like glue, he loves to get into it and it makes dirt look like a more  suitable parent.

Plus, this time around, it's in front of Sera. I hate that, I hate that  he's trying to con me, like going to Mom's place is worse than prison.  So he's bitching me out …  in front of Sera. Yeah, he can't do much damage  strapped into the car seat the way he is, but I can't just shut him up.

"Crap car, crap seat! I want to come with you and Sera!" Matty yells. I  look at him in the rear-view mirror, but he's not looking at me. He's  staring straight ahead, where Sera's sitting in the passenger seat.  She's got him under her spell, too.

"Enough, kid. You can't come with us. You're staying with Grandma and  Eddie." I lay down the law, but the kid is having none of it. He even  has the balls to kick the back of Sera's seat. I did not raise him like  that, at least, I tried not to.

Who am I kidding?

"Hey! Stop it! Jesus, I need some alone time," I blurt, until I get a  look at Matty's face in the mirror. Kid looks like he's holding his  breath underwater, or like I've sucked all the air out of his lungs.  Fucking shit. Stop talking, MacLaine, you'll do better that way.

I do need time alone. I'm tired, I'm always fucking tired. I'm tired  when I go to bed, and fucking exhausted when I wake up. The cycle just  keeps going, over and over again, until I'm pretty sure years will pass  me by and I'm still going to be so damn tired.

He's Jules' kid  –  you can't talk to him like that.

Man, don't I know it. Sometimes, I just need a break. I can't keep  looking at him and wondering what it would be like if he didn't have  diabetes, hell, if I didn't have diabetes. Would I be such a shitty  example of a father? Would I have more energy, more depth of will to  give him the bright future he isn't getting from me now?

What kind of ghost of a future is he getting from me?

Shut up, asshole. You just need to recharge, fuel up those batteries.  You're going to be fine. A few hours being ‘normal', drinking beer,  eating food, hanging out with people around your age, that's going to be  good for you. You need a little break, and that's normal.

Is it?

I close the door, firmly, but not so much that my anger has dissipated.  All of this is bullshit. Through the window, I see Sera's hand sliding  back in a weird twist of her elbow, reaching for Matty's hand in the  back seat. Watching his hand settle into hers has me feeling like that  eighteen-wheeler is parked on my chest again.         

     



 

Why can't I just say the right thing?

You're a piece of shit, MacLaine. You really are. If your sister could see how you treat her kid - fucking applause all around.

I move around to my side of the car, and get in. Yanking on my seat belt  I turn the car over, and just stare at the wheel between my hands.

"Matty, I'm sorry." God, kid, you have no idea how much. You need Jules,  not me. I can barely take care of myself. I grip the wheel tightly, and  catch a glimpse of him in the back seat. "We just need some grown-up  time, okay? We'll come get you when we're done, and Sera will read to  you when we get home."

"Yeah, little buddy. We need to find out what's under that trap door, right?"

Christ, she's too good for the likes of me.

"Fine, but I want a whole three chapters tonight! Even if I fall asleep, you have to wake me up so you can read!"

I get us out of the garage, then spear Matty with another look in the  rear-view mirror. "Kid- what did we say about asking and telling? Ask  Sera nicely to read to you tonight. Please."

"I don't want to! I want to come with you and Sera! Please? Why can't  I?" Jules' eyes look at me through his face and I want to scream. I let  out a breath, trying to think before I open my stupid mouth.

"Stop it right now. You're going to Grandma's and that's it. Deal."

People think having a kid is easy, and the kidless sure like to judge at  the earliest opportunity. So the way Sera's kinda backing me up is  noteworthy. Parenting is all just about forcing your own views and  perceptions on a younger mind, trying to teach them about the world  around them. Maybe Sera can help with that.

When we get to Mom's place, Matty starts going ballistic. He punches me  and slaps at me until I get him out of his car seat and it takes  everything in me not to yell. I carry him, a mass of flailing arms and  legs, and the kid's howling like he's lost a limb as I climb up the  stairs.

Eddie opens the door, as usual.

"What happened? Is he all right? Is he hurt?" Eddie asks, his eyebrows  pinched tight. He's also looking at me like I'm the cause of all this.  Fuck, I'm always the cause. The man in front of me practically raised  me. He's staring at me like he's ready for a fist fight over what I  potentially did.

"He's pissed. Sera and I are going to her friend's place. I'd like to take her alone."

Eddie's got this twinkle in his eye. "Oh. All right, then. Matty, why on earth are you acting this way?"

"I want to go with Daddy and Sera! I want to goooooo!" The kid sobs in  my arms and stops flailing around like a dying fish. His arms go around  my neck and he cries against my shoulder. Crocodile tears, or real ones?

I've never been good at telling the difference.

"You're going to stay with me and you're going to see them both later  on. Come on now, my boy, let's go to the kitchen. I was just about to  make something special just for you."

Matty looks up from my shoulder, his eyes red-rimmed, tears running down  his face. I love this kid, I really do. I just wish everything were  different, better. Jules shouldn't be dead, and I should only be an  uncle.

"Check his sugar first, all right, Eddie? He's been a little high today.  Just …  I'll be by around eleven or something to come get him. Okay,  Matty? I'll be by later, and Sera can read to you after. All right?"

Eddie has the tiniest smile on his face at the mention of Sera reading  to him. If I didn't know any better, the old man is rooting for her to  be mine. Well, I need all the luck and help I can get.

Taking the steps two at a time, I settle myself back in the driver's  seat. Sera's looking at her hands in her lap and she's quiet.

"Sorry. He's been wigging out all day long. I think he had a bad day at  daycare or something," I say, closing the door. Now that sounds  something like an excuse. Hell, why do I have to explain everything? I  turn over the engine and just sit there.

I don't know what I'm doing. She says she wants to be my friend, and I don't know if I can do that.

I've alienated myself from everyone I ever knew. Especially after what  happened. It was too painful seeing them again, seeing who wasn't there,  a part of the group. I just …  I don't know how to act around Sera. Seems  like she knows what's going on, who she is, who she wants to be.

She's also some sort of kid-whisperer and she's got my gut twisted in  knots, and I have to meet her friends. That's going to go over well. I  hope my sugar doesn't drop. I hope I sound coherent enough in a  conversation.         

     



 

They're probably all going to be smarter than me. Not like I'm going to  tell them I only have my high school diploma and a few credits in CEGEP I  did nothing with. They're going to get technical, ask my opinion on  politics or some shit like that, trying to feel me out. Whatever brain  cells I was born with sure as shit aren't hanging around from all my  sugar highs and lows.

This is going to be a disaster.

Staring at the wheel, I feel like I have to prove myself, make sure Sera knows.

"I'm not a bad dad." I turn my head to look at her, only for her to give herself whiplash as our eyes lock for a split second.

Christ, why am I even trying? No woman wants someone with this much  baggage. I'm like a 747 jumbo jet weighed down with hundreds of problems  not to mention cargo.

"I never said you were."

My breath eases out slowly.

"I can't judge you, Hunt. You're doing the best you can."

I let out another heavy breath, and put my head in gear. I start us  moving, watching the road, and wondering how she gets what I need to  hear.

Sera gives me directions to her friend Alex's place after I've turned  the radio on low. I can't stand the quiet  –  I feel like it's going to  strangle me with all the judgement in the world.

Once we're there, I follow behind Sera, because that ass, and watch her  give a friend, hopefully Alex, an aluminum-covered cake tin. Just  another thing I can't lay my hands on.

I watch Sera get hugged by four dudes, real hugs, except one looks  skeevy to me. There's a collective chorus of silence when they spot me. I  get a lot of blinking stares and slow dawning comprehension as I follow  in after Sera and close the door behind me.

"Everyone, this is Hunter. My next door neighbour," she introduces me,  and even though we're standing inches apart, I wish I could put my arm  around her shoulder. She has no idea how amazing she is, and she can't  tell anything by the hugs her boys give her. Yeah, none of them tried to  cop a feel, but a guy knows about these things.