Never Been Loved(26)

Matty bounces on the bed, legs swinging. “Promise!”

I get a wet kiss on my cheek for my effort and more giggles. Those giggles are going to be the death of me, I swear it.

“Can we watch Peter Pan tonight, Sera?” Matty asks her. I watch him swivel his head towards her; I’m completely forgotten. I think I should be pissed at that, but I don’t have the energy for it. Better that the kid goes with Sera than my mother. She won’t watch after him anyway, and the kid hates going there. I can’t deal with another tantrum.

It’s not like I don’t know where Sera lives. I’ll bust down the door if I have to. But first, I need to sleep. The beeping on my left, measuring my stupid heart rate turns hypnotic, and I feel my eyelids shutting closed, only for me to open them more slowly.

“I’ve got something better for you.” she says, hand out, waiting for him to grab it.

I struggle to look menacing when all Sera needs to do is tuck me in and I’m out for the count.

“Buddy, cover your ears first. I gotta say something to Sera,” I say, mustering up my depleted energy and trying to convince myself to use it.

Matty stops when he gets to her, face bleached of colour when he turns to look at me. I’m pole-axed again by his looks, how very much he looks like Jules, and how she used to look at me like that when I told her there were ghosts in her room all that time ago. “You’re going to tell her bad words?”

Sera bursts out laughing, arms crossing over her belly as she bends at the waist. Eyes screwed tight, mouth wide open enough that I can see her tonsils, just belting out her laughter and I swear I feel more alive because of it. She even leans down, still laughing, and hugs Matty close to her body.

“You are the best person I have ever met,” she says, and tells him to cover his ears. Christ, she’d make an excellent mom. Did I really just think that? Yes, I did. Shit.

I lunge for her wrist, wrapping my numb fingers around the delicate joint, hoping I’m not squeezing too hard.

The reality of my situation is shitty, but I’m not stupid, no matter how much the spikes in sugar have caused damage to my brain or whatever. Christ, I really need Sera to be whatever she is, whatever she’s showing me right now. The sweetness, the affection for Matty, the attitude. I need her to be all of that, I need her to be real for me. Because if she isn’t, I may just be giving my nephew away to some psycho bitch that’ll make Aly look fucking stable.

I drag her closer to the bed, watch her shuffle closer to me, until there’s only a few inches between us. I need her to be good, or else these words are going to be more like a vow instead of a meagre warning.

“You hurt him, and I will make pain look like a fleeting memory. If he says he’s tired, check his sugar. His glucometer and Iron Man pack is at my place. You have to-”

She pulls on my grip, but I won’t let go.

“He’s diabetic too?”

Yeah, sweetheart. Want to give him back to me? More than you signed up for, isn’t it?

I want her to give Matty back, I want her to erase whatever stupid things I’ve got floating in my head that are making her out to be perfect. I want her to fall short of whatever ideal I have in my head so I know that when I see her again, I’m not missing out on anything.

But I also need her to be exactly who I think she is so that I know women like her exist, and there might be some hope left in the world for me and Matty.

“I know how to use one. My mom’s a diabetic. I know what to do. I don’t have any junk at my house if you’re worried about him downing that.”

Jesus Christ, no. Sera...she knows about us? What it’s like, how we are? I swallow convulsively a few times, shaking my head. I can’t believe my luck.

“I don’t want you in this. Fuck. I don’t want you in this at all.”

Sera doesn’t deserve this. She deserves a healthy kid, and a healthy man where her only worries in life are what book I’m going to buy her next.

“You’ll be rid of me as soon as you get out. Better start concentrating on getting better then, right?”

Good job, man, you made her think she’s got some sort of contagious disease that you don’t want the kid near. Real smooth.

“Watch him,” I snarl, trying to sit up, pissed off that I’m not saying the right things. I let go of her wrist and watch her move closer to me, like she wants to help arrange me on the bed. I need to be an asshole, and I need to be one right now. The truth is, I’d let her rule my entire life in a heartbeat.

“I’ll watch him. Swear to God.” Those dark green eyes are blazing with something I think might be called sincerity.