Never Been Loved(23)

I lock up and Matty's already knocked on her door, which makes me sprint  over just to hear the lock turning. Whoah, out of breath much?

The door opens slowly enough that I just want to shove it open to get a  look at what she's wearing, or if she's going to greet me with a smile.

Goddamn it, this girl and not looking where she's going! She just  face-planted into my pec and now her nose is red and her eyes are  welling up with actual tears! Why can't she ever look where she's going?

Well, I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have been standing so close. What am I, a dog, begging to get in? Don't answer that.         

     



 

"Fuck. Sorry, Sera." I grab her shoulders, and realize I'm actually  making skin to skin contact. Feels like I've been plugged in, and  electricity has replaced the blood in my veins.

"Bad word, bad word!" Matty bounces at my feet, pirouetting like some  crazy figure skater on too much Red Bull. "I get a quarter!"

The little guy remembers where he is and moves forward to hug Sera's  leg, chin on her quadricep. I've known this girl for weeks and she knows  things about Matty and me that only less than a handful of people do.  She doesn't complain about it, or pester me with questions.

It eases me, her acceptance of the both of us. She places a hand on his  head, then runs her fingers through his hair, frowning at me when she's  done. And I get it, I know what she's asking me. Everything can be so  easy with her.

It feels like a long time since my life has been easy for me. A long time.

I shrug. "He's been all over the map today. Up, down, up and down again.  His body's strung out. I'm hoping Mom can get some decent food in him,  and he can sleep it off. She'll take care of him tonight."

I notice the tiniest little straightening of her shoulders. Does she want Matty to come with us? Well, too bad.

"Ready to go, little buddy?" Sera asks Matty, and the kid looks up at  her like she hung the stars in the sky only for him. Christ, if this  ends badly, the kid is going to be scarred for life. I'm going to need  to pay for a shit-ton of therapy.

"Where are you and Daddy going?"

I try and make myself keep quiet. But Sera's panicked look has me wading  in. "We're going to eat with grown-ups tonight, Matty. Kids gotta stay  home."

"Awww, man. Really, Daddy? What if I dress up, and no one can recognize me?"

Where does he get these ideas? He's a little genius and I don't know  where he got it from. I shake my head, and move, like a total moron, to  wrap an arm around Sera's waist.

When she prances away into the elevator car, I ream myself out for being  so stupid. Who the hell does that? Who just assumes that it's okay to  invade someone's personal space? You're not dating yet, asshole, you  need to ask for permission to even think before doing something like  that!

I watch her watching Matty, jumping from foot to foot, bobbing his head  around, moving too fast. I know the insulin I gave him is enough. But  Sera doesn't. The skin between her eyebrows is pinched, and she's  twisting her mouth so hard, there's white all around it.

When her hands curl into fists at her sides, I grab her right fist in my  hand and just leave it there, holding my breath. When she looks up at  me, those green eyes magnified by her glasses, filled with questions and  not a little bit of anger, something roars in my chest, something like  justice or vengeance. The animal in my chest is proud of what I see in  her eyes. 'Cause I feel it, too.

As much as life has tried to skull-fuck me, no kid deserves getting  diabetes, especially without the chance of tasting all of what life has  to offer first. And for that, there's too many walls I want to hit, too  many plates I want to break, too many sparring partners I want to watch  bleed and break beneath my hands.

I give her a slight shake of my head, and smooth out her fingers, almost  sighing when her fingers interlock with mine. She turns away from me  and stares at the back of Matty's head just before the doors open to the  basement.

"Don't worry, Sera," I say, voice rough like gravel. "He's going to be okay. I promise."

"How do you know that?" she practically whispers, and I struggle to hear it.

Squeezing her hand, I tell her, "Because this isn't new for him. This happens a lot. And he gets through it. Every single time."

She dips her head and nods at me, and we make our way to my car. I open  the passenger side for Sera, and head to the back to strap Matty into  his car seat. Once inside, I prepare myself for another trip to Mom's  house.

I pull up to the curb, and ignore the way Sera's body has tightened up.

You should tell her what's here, what this place means to you.

When it's the right time.

No time is ever right to lay that on someone. There's never a right time.

I know, I just want this, whatever this is, for now. I deserve that.

You think Sera deserves someone like you?





Chapter 12



Sera rushes out of the car and goes in the back seat to get Matty out. I  walk slowly around to her side of the car, spending some time admiring  the curve of her ass as she leans over to get my nephew out of his  impossible car seat.

I hear them talking and it's doing funny things to the muscle in my  chest. Christ, this girl. She hasn't even touched me yet; she hasn't  even been straight and out with me. This night is an epic bad idea, but I  don't care. It won't be the first bad date in the history of mankind.         

     



 

I'll probably be a laughing stock with her boys, and I'm okay with that.  Just as long as I get a little bit of the happiness she gives off, just  a little bit of the smiles she sometime sends my way.

I've finally cracked. It was going to happen sooner or later.

Then my body gets involved and I'm seriously reacting to the perfect  curvature of her body as she's leaning over my nephew. And while I can  still think with the little blood left in my brain, I realize that  Sera's not doing it 'cause she knows what she's got. It doesn't look  like there's an endgame when it comes to her, and I can't begin to start  thinking about how much I fucking love that.

"It's water, little buddy. No big deal. C'mon, help me with these things or you'll stay in this car forever!"

I hear her tell the kid, and he lets out a giggle. She's somehow become  his best friend, while I feel like it's a total struggle to try and  relate to the kid. It's practically agony trying to keep track of all  the tangents he goes off on, all his ridiculous observations that make  zero difference in my life.

"I love you, Sera."

Fire burns in my chest cavity and that ice pick is back again, an  invisible asshole in my chest just hacking away. What the fuck just  happened? How does she do that?!

"I love you, too, little man. Now, we gonna get you out of here, or you really wanna stay here forever and ever?"

"No! I'm coming, I'm coming out!" Matty yells and I see him scrambling  through the door while Sera backs up with a finger in her mouth.

Christ!

She's not trying to be sexy, asshole. She's hurt.

Her bun is disheveled, sitting lopsided on her head and I feel a painful  squeeze in my chest. Fuck, she's so adorable. I want to tug it gently,  and watch her hair spill around her shoulders. Sera has long hair, and I  don't know why she keeps it up all the time. Jesus, when we had  breakfast the other day and it was down, I had some serious problems  with Kong and the Twins.

Maybe, one day, if I play my cards right, she'll let me run my fingers  through that hair and pull her close enough to taste her mouth, taste  her tongue, figure out what kind of sounds she makes when I do something  she more than likes.

Perverted bastard. Don't push her to do anything she doesn't want to. A girl like that, she's worth waiting decades for.

Christ, I hope it doesn't take that long.

"Were you staring at my ass?" she asks around her finger, sucking on it  and grimacing. Hitting a nerve on the tips of your fingers hurts like a  mother; my dick shouldn't be twitching at that, but the image is too  much for me to handle.

And she doesn't even know what she's doing to me.

Busted. Might as well just spit out the truth. "Unabashedly."

Her eyebrows drop down low on her face. My lips twitch as she drops her finger from her mouth."What? Why?"

I don't know what to say. Is this a game? Has she been talking to Aly?  People have always wanted things from me, always. There's only so much  you can give before you run dry and there isn't enough left in yourself  to face the day. I've been neglected, left alone to deal with my illness  instead of being supported. I entered a toxic ass relationship because,  on some sick level in the cracks of my soul, I thought it's what I  deserved.

I lean forward to grab the doorframe of the car, almost caging her in,  like a prick-bastard but I can't seem to stop myself. I catch her eyes  pinball to my bicep, to my chest, then back to my face only to rinse and  repeat.

She doesn't get why I would be looking at her, which mean she isn't in  the frame of mind I want her to be in, to think of me as hers. Because  fucking right, I want to be. I want to be the one sitting next to her on  the leather of my beat-up couch.