Nerd Girl(112)

“Catherine found a lump in her breast,” he said somberly.

What? That wasn’t what I expected him to say.

“She had a biopsy on it yesterday. She’ll get the results on Monday.” He paused, waiting for me to digest this information.

“Oh my God,” I blurted. I wanted to say more, to ask questions, but I could only stare blankly, my eyes blinking, making sure I heard him right. Earlier in the week, when Mia and I passed her on the stairs, I recalled Catherine saying she had a doctor appointment, because she was cancelling her team meeting, but my brain never went to cancer.

“She asked me to come with her to her appointment on Monday,” Ryan continued in a soft, even voice.

I let out a long breath. I realized he wasn’t asking for my permission. It was a foregone conclusion and he was just telling me about it. I should be glad that he was being honest with me about everything, but why was I uncomfortable with it? I was being petty and immature and I needed to stop. Any feelings of discomfort I might have about this, didn’t compare to what Catherine was going through.

I nodded. “Okay, then that’s what you need to do.”

“I’m sorry, Julia. I want to respect the boundaries of our new relationship, but I need to be there for her on Monday.”

This comment made me suddenly look up at him in protest.

“Wait a minute!” I pushed away from him. “If you think I’m upset about this, you’re wrong.” I spoke with conviction and I meant it. “Don’t worry about me. I’m not the one who has an unknown lump in my body. Of course you need to be there for her.”

Ryan let out a deep breath, sounding relieved. “Thanks for being so understanding.”

“No, I’m serious. You need to be there for her. I wouldn’t love you if you were the type of person who would say no to a request like this,” I said in afterthought.

I could tell he was warring with his need to be there for Catherine and his need to support my feelings. His sensitivity to me only made me love him more. I couldn’t fault him for him wanting to be there for Catherine. I would be there for Andrew if he asked me to.

Cancer. Shit. This sort of stuff was different. Admittedly, the petty part of me harbored a small bit of jealousy that Ryan would be with Catherine. I couldn’t help it. But no doubt about it, I had to suck it up. I squashed any selfish feelings. Sometimes there were just more important things.

We didn’t finish the movie. Ryan wanted to go to bed. I rested my head in the crook of his arm and we laid there together in silence. I knew this was weighing heavy on his mind.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked quietly.

“No, not just now.” Instead of saying anything further, he took my arm and pulled it over his torso. It was his non-verbal queue that he wanted me close.

He was scared. He’s had so much loss in his life already. And regardless of the position I held in Ryan’s life right now, the person closest to him besides his family might have cancer. He was worried that another person he loves is going to leave him.

I knew there were no words I could say right now that would comfort him. So, I did the only thing I knew I could do that would make him feel better. I held him tightly until he fell asleep.

Tonight was the first night since Ryan and I had been together that we didn’t make love.





For the rest of the weekend, Ryan was relatively normal. It was as if he had carefully tucked away the Catherine chapter in a pocket somewhere. He didn’t bring it up again and neither did I. Things were in a delicate balance, though. It was precarious. If we talked about it, we would need to face the possibility of Catherine having cancer. I didn’t want my thoughts to go there and I didn’t think Ryan wanted to, either; if we ignored it, then maybe it wasn’t really happening and it would all go away.

All new relationships have a pivotal moment when it was determined if you moved forward together as an established couple or the relationship went off on a tangent. Sometimes you recognized it due to an event or catalyst of some sort, other times it wasn’t so obvious. If you veered off, it became really difficult to get back on track. Projects at work were like this, too. You were constantly trying to catch up and patch the little spots that were bleeding out. When Ryan told me about Catherine’s biopsy, there was an undertone to Ryan’s mood that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I couldn’t help thinking that this was our fork in the road. I just wasn’t sure which direction we were going to take.

Sunday night, Ryan made love to me with an emotional intensity that surprised me. After we both climaxed, we laid on our sides facing each other, his nose and forehead touching mine.