Lust(44)

"I know. That's why I have the beliefs that I do."

"But cheating is a choice. If you choose to be faithful then you don't have to worry about it."

I'd had this argument many times before to many different people. Girls  in high school, girls in college, woman since college …  it never changed.  Every female found it to be their mission in life to change my opinion,  but they never could. My thoughts had been etched in blood and there  was no wiping that away. None of them ever knew the whole story. The  worst parts I kept secret, knowing people wouldn't understand. They'd  only pity me and I didn't want Ivy's pity.

"Ivy, there really is no point in trying to get me to see the other  side. It's how I feel and I can't change that. I will forever remember  the way my parents ended, and they're gone now so I will never be able  to talk to them in order to find out the reasons," I tried to end the  conversation. I had left many holes in the story and I hoped that she  was blind to my concealment.

Her eyes met mine and I noticed the color change immediately. The  vibrant colors from the orgasm I had given her had dulled and the happy  expression on her face that was there only moments ago had vanished. I  tried to think of why her mood would have changed so drastically in such  a short amount of time, but I couldn't come up with anything. My tone  wasn't harsh or off-putting. I wasn't rude or short with her. I tried to  think back what I said and nothing had sounded bad. Then she spoke …  and  I wanted to rewind time and take everything back.

"Then what in the hell am I doing here? You know what I want, Cade. I've  told you before. I sought you out so that I could have a real  relationship with someone; it was never just about sex. You say you have  feelings for me …  my God, the other night you told me you loved me. Last  week at my apartment after the club, you told me you never wanted to  let me go and that you wanted to own me. And now, sober, you tell me  that you will never have a relationship, you don't believe in love, and  you want something completely different than I do."

Fuck! My mind was spinning and I couldn't right it. I found the answer  to the question I couldn't ask-my confession to Ivy wasn't a  hallucination, it was real. I told her I loved her. If that was real,  did that mean her response was, too? Did she tell me that I owned her? I  needed to make things right before she walked away and I lost the  chance.

I sank to the floor and wedged myself between her legs, wrapping my arms  around her waist to pull her closer to me. I made sure she was looking  at me before I spoke. "Ivy …  listen to me." I swallowed, trying to find  the right words to use. My voice sounded gruff and gravely. I didn't  have enough time to plan anything out so I just had to go with what I  was feeling. "I don't know what I want when it comes to you. In general,  yes, I don't agree with relationships-never been in one-but when it  comes to you and only you, I don't know about it anymore. The only thing  that I know for absolute certainty is that I want you here and I don't  want you to leave. I can't be apart from you for a day without going  insane. I think about you all the time and I'm only calm when you're  around. No, that's not right." I shook my head and then met her eyes  again. "I'm not calm around you; I'm anything but calm. You wind me up  so tight I feel like a loose cannon. You have my head spinning so fast I  feel like I could take flight at any moment. You make my heart stop  altogether that I think I'm in cardiac arrest and you give me such a  constant erection that I'm paranoid someone has slipped me Viagra.         

     



 

"I've never believed in monogamy, never thought it was achievable, but  you make me want to believe in something that I didn't think existed. I  don't know what it is, but it's something I've never experienced  firsthand before. Yes, I told you that I never wanted to let you go and  that's the truth. I don't. But, at the same time, that also scares me  because forever has always felt so unobtainable to me. And yes, despite  my weeklong binge drinking, I did tell you that I love you. I remember  that. I also remember what you said to me. I don't know how to explain  that because I don't know what it means. They say you speak the truth  when you're drunk, it heightens your inhibitions, so maybe that's the  truth …  I don't know. I don't know how to describe how I feel about you  because I've never felt this way before.

"So don't say that we want different things because that's not true. I  know what you want; the problem is that I don't know what I want. I just  know I want it with you-whatever it is." I pressed my forehead to hers  and her hands immediately cupped my face. "As for why you're here? I  honestly don't know. I've never done anything to deserve you being here.  But I know that I don't want you anywhere else. And if you choose to  leave …  I'll follow you anywhere. I'll follow you to the ends of the  earth." My voice broke when the sentence ended and I felt such emotion  from the words I had just spoken, I was exhausted. But I had spoken the  truth, as much as I could stand of it. Did it count as lying if you  didn't tell the whole truth?

"Wow," she breathed and I felt it against my lips. "That's book worthy.  And I wish it was in a book so I would know what my character is  supposed to say to that. That's the great thing about books; the  characters say all the perfect things at the precise moments. Right now,  I am speechless."

"Just say you're not going anywhere."

She pulled my face closer and softly pressed her lips to mine. "I'm not going anywhere, Cade."

I smiled and kissed her again, never wanting to stop. I finally felt  like I could relax, she wasn't leaving me. I pulled her even closer and  deepened the kiss. I was more sure than ever that I was experiencing  heaven in that moment. My heaven.

*****

The breakfast Ivy had made me turned cold by the time we made it back to  the kitchen. After my confession, we stayed on the couch a little  longer, talking about anything and everything. Well, everything except  for the rest of my secret. I had realized I didn't know much about her  outside of the clinical information I had in her file and the few things  she had told me along the way. I wanted to know more. We kept it light,  neither one of us wanting to hear the dark parts of our pasts after the  morning we had.

I learned all about her favorite books and authors. She read just about  anything from just about anyone, but she had a list of authors that she  would follow and mark their release dates on a calendar so that she'd  remember to get the books when they first came out. Her list included  Carina Adams, Meghan March, Ker Dukey, and Amy Harmon-who apparently  wrote a book that changed Ivy's life. She said there is nothing like  reading the first edition of a book before readers that think of  themselves as grammar experts start pointing out all of the  imperfections. In her opinion, the slight imperfections in a book were  like the imperfections in people-it's what makes them who they are. I  loved listening to the way she spoke of these books and their characters  as if they were real. At one point in time, I worried about the way she  viewed books, but hearing her talk about them now gave me a completely  different opinion on the matter.

I told her about college, how I studied psychology and then got my  Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She thought that was  ironic considering my views on the subject, but I simply explained that  it made perfect sense-I couldn't be a critic without the knowledge. She  had laughed at that. We talked about the years right after college, when  I made the decision to work as a sex surrogate and how I had gotten  into it in the first place. Most people had either never heard of the  profession or looked down on the practice, but that had never deterred  me from pursuing it. It also never kept me from having a constant stream  of clients. I could tell Ivy was a little hesitant to talk about my  line of work, intimidated maybe, and I didn't know how to handle that.  The last thing I wanted to do was rub it in her face that I was more  experienced than she was, especially if we were about to embark on …   whatever this was. So I made sure to keep it to the basics: why I chose  it, did I like it, and was there ever anything else I ever thought about  doing.         

     



 

Then we made lunch-sandwiches-and spent the rest of the day lounging  around and recovering. I was recovering from five days of heavy,  blackout drinking, and Ivy was recovering from lack of sleep. We lay  together on the couch and watched movies, alternating between each of  our favorites.

A little after eight, I felt Ivy fall limp in front of me. We were on  the couch with her back to my chest and my arm slung over her waist.  Sometimes we held hands and other times I mindlessly caressed her outer  thigh or forearm while we watched TV. But her hand was limp in mine and  her breathing was slow and steady.