Lily White Lies(38)

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After an enjoyable and relaxing day with the girls, I took them home, but instead of heading home myself, I turned off the exit for the northeast extension, toward Brickway.

I felt guilty that I hadn’t gone to see Aunt Karen yesterday. I had used Gram’s not going as a poor excuse to break a weekly ritual. Knowing it wasn’t a regular visiting day made me feel twice as bad.

In between fits of guilt, thoughts of Brian forced their way into my head faster than I could ward them off. I couldn’t do much until he returned home but as determined as I was to put my thoughts aside until that time, they were determined to be straightened out, whether I wanted it or not.

Somehow, I surprisingly managed a temporary, mental leave from all things Brian, as I passed the unoccupied desk in the lobby of Cherry Hall.

I wasn’t filled with the usual melancholy I had come to expect from a visit with my aunt, but that didn’t keep my stomach from tightening when I began my walk down the long hallway.

Today, when the loneliest of souls begged for my attention, I made eye contact and offered a smile, hoping its sincerity shown through its sympathy. I even made a point of hiding all visible signs of disgust when I passed the lewd man in room one-nineteen.

As I slowly turned the doorknob and entered my aunt’s room, I found myself overcome with familiarity, experiencing the same confused feelings I had the previous week, the only difference being, this week I vowed to keep better control of my emotions and make a solid attempt to enjoy my time with her.

She didn’t hear me come in so I spoke softly to avoid startling her.

“Hi, Aunt Karen, are you up for company today?”

She turned her head slowly, her eyes locking on mine. It was a conscious effort on my part, but I managed to put a smile on my face and all signs of discomfort out of view.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make it yesterday, I got busy and...” I stared into her emotionless eyes and suddenly felt embarrassed. Among her many challenges, I was inadvertently asking her to accept the lie I had begun to tell her. I took several moments to put my thoughts together.

“I’m sorry. Whether you realize what I’m saying or not, you don’t deserve a lie.” I walked to the window and stared out, as I continued to speak. “I wasn’t busy yesterday. Gram had plans and I used that as my excuse not to come. The truth is...” I hesitated. “Well, Aunt Karen, the truth is, I don’t know how to act around you. I don’t even know what to say or how much you understand.”

I wrung my hands and looked up at the ceiling. I owed her this much but I knew it wouldn’t be easy on me if I was going to be completely honest.

“Gram and I have been coming most every Saturday for years but I was just along for the ride... I came to accompany Gram. It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, its just that... well, Gram always did the talking and the fussing and I never had to think about what I would say to you other than hello and goodbye.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Since Gram told me about you being my mother, I feel like I should be here, but I still don’t know how to act or what to say. I wonder if you’re uncomfortable since I told you what I know, I wonder what goes through your mind, I wonder if you’re capable of communicating any of your feelings to m...”

“B-baby.”

My hand instinctively covered my mouth as if I had said the one, broken word my ears heard.

“You... Oh my God... you spoke.”

“B-baby.”

Choking back something between a laugh and a sob, I repeated, “Oh my God, you can speak!”

Her eyes were still emotionless, but she began to repeat the one word she shared with me, faster and more clearly.

“Ba-by. Ba-by. Ba-by.”

I headed toward the door in search of a nurse but before I reached it, I turned back and took hold of one of my aunt’s hands. I didn’t want to miss a minute of her breakthrough.

Tears of joy spilled over my lashes and onto our joined hands. Unable to contain my delight, I began to ramble.

“I can’t believe this... Gram won’t believe this... oh my God, Gram... I have to tell her...”

Lost in my own thoughts of what action I should take next, I didn’t immediately notice that the word my aunt said had become something of a chant, accompanied by the sound of her hand slapping her leg in rhythm.

“Oh, please, don’t do that. You’re going to hurt yourself.” I tried to keep her hand from striking her leg again but was surprised by her strength. Her hand continued in its vertical, swinging movement while I became more worried over the damage she may be doing to herself.