Letting Go(30)

“I understand,” she said quietly. “And I’m sorry, Dash. I don’t remember if I told you that or not. But I am. Sorry for the way it happened. For it even happening at all. You have to know that wasn’t one of my prouder moments when you saw me at The House. I was . . . embarrassed. That certainly wasn’t the way I would have wanted to tell you.”

“You didn’t intend to tell me at all,” he said dryly.

She grimaced and then slowly shook her head. “No. How could I? You were Carson’s best friend. I thought your loyalties would be with him. I imagined if you knew, you wouldn’t approve. And I couldn’t bear your disapproval, Dash. I couldn’t lose you. Not over something so . . .”

She trailed off, obviously unsure of the word to describe her wants and needs. He leaned forward, catching her gaze and holding it.

“First of all, I hope we’ve gotten past your fear of my disapproval. Secondly, your desires aren’t meaningless, Joss. They’re who you are. They make you who you are, and you can’t change that. Not for me. Not for anyone. You shouldn’t have to. I understand why you suppressed that part of yourself while you were married to Carson. I get that. But honey, he’s gone. You said it best. He’s not coming back, and there’s no reason for you to continue denying your wants and needs, who you are and what you are. Even if I weren’t who I am, I would never expect you to be anything but who and what you want to be. But as we share the same needs and desires, it’s my hope that we can forge ahead and discover a new world . . . together.”

She swallowed visibly and then leaned back, running a hand through her silky hair. “So what happens next, Dash? I was being honest when I said I’m without a map. Now that I’ve gotten to this point, admitted to myself and to you what I want and need, what do we do?”

He smiled and then because he could no longer stand the distance between them, he got up and slid onto the couch next to her. It was a compulsion to touch her now that he could. After so long of keeping neutrality between them, the door was finally open. They were embarking down a path there was no returning from.

Regardless of whether things worked out long term for them, there was never any going back to the easygoing friendship they’d maintained for so many years. Part of Dash embraced it wholeheartedly while another part of him feared irreparable damage between them. Of opening a rift that could never be mended.

It was a risk he was willing to take, even if it required the utmost caution. By nature he was cautious. All the risk he incurred was in his business life. His personal life had always been carefully ordered, strictly maintained. His dominance exerted itself, and he always kept his emotions and actions in check. Except when it came to Joss. She brought out another side to him, one never seen or experienced by others.

She made him want to throw caution to the wind and revel in the storm.

Never had he imagined that the part of him he feared she couldn’t accept was the one thing she wanted the most. He’d always assumed that he’d have to suppress his natural tendencies if he wanted any chance with her. Never would he have dreamed that she’d not only accept it—and him—but that she would overtly seek it out.

He didn’t know whether it made him the luckiest bastard alive, or perhaps the most stupid. Only time—and Joss—would tell.

If only he had a window into the future. Just a glimpse down the road to see if this thing between them flourished and thrived. Then he’d know if he was making the right choice for them both.

But no, there was no looking into the future. Nothing but here and now and his instincts and heart’s desire to guide him. He just prayed for the wisdom to differentiate between what he craved most and what she actually wanted and needed.

Desire and frustration could color a man’s perception for sure. They were two emotions he was well acquainted with since meeting Joss the first time. Wanting, needing her with his every breath. Knowing she would never be his. That she belonged to another man. His best friend.

Fate, the fickle bitch, was finally smiling on him. He just hoped to hell she didn’t get the last laugh.

He pulled Joss into his arms and reclined against the back of the couch, bearing her so she cuddled against his chest, molded into his side, her hair teasing his chin. And her scent. God, she smelled so damn good. He was torturing himself needlessly. She was here in his living room, in his arms, asking him what was next. All he had to do was take the leap. Close his eyes and jump.

“As I said, I don’t want to overwhelm you, honey,” he murmured, trying to collect his scattered thoughts. “So it’s important that we take things nice and slow. The last thing I want is to scare or hurt you. But I’m tired of waiting, Joss. I’ve wanted you so damn long and now that you’re here and the gloves are off, I’m ready to move forward.”