Killing Kate(58)
When he stands back I walk over and pick up one of the DVD cases and inspect it. “P. Barnes - 8/16/1996” is typed up on the cover. I pull a few more out and see the same format; a name and a date. They seem to range from 1992 to 1998, from when I was six to twelve years old. There are hundreds, and I rack my brain wondering why I never realized that everything Jack made me do was recorded. There are video tapes as well, and when I look over at the television in the basement, I realize that the setup is to copy tape to DVD. I wonder how long after I was out of Jack's life he managed to profit off of whoring out his daughter. “I feel sick,” I tell Justin.
“I do too,” he agrees. “I think we should destroy them.”
I shake my head. I take one of the DVDs and walk over to the television. I figure out how to turn it on and I put the DVD in the player. “Jenna, what the hell are you doing?” I hear Justin ask me.
I silently wave him away. My focus is on nothing in the room but the television. I see myself appear on the screen. I'm back in my old bedroom, a naked little girl on a twin bed with a pink flowered Laura Ashley hand me down bedspread, probably acquired from a thrift shop. A man stands to the side of me pleasuring himself. I watch in horror as he makes a face and his semen spills over my stomach and nonexistent breasts and realize the volume is turned all the way down. The man climbs over the little girl me and pushes himself inside of me and all I can stare at is my face on the video. It's blank and motionless. I am vacant and absent from the scene, even though my body is there. “What the hell is going on here?” I hear and Justin and I both whirl around. Devin is standing at the foot of the basement stairs with a disgusted expression on his face.
“Devin!” I cry out. “Wh-what are you doing home?”
“Mrs. Strahl called me saying she heard a lot of noise coming from our house. She thought there might be another break in. I came home.” He walks toward the television, not taking his eyes off of it. “What the fuck is that?”
“Devin, don't get mad,” I say.
“What the fuck is all of this?” he asks, taking in the wall that we broke down, Justin and I and the television.
Justin steps forward. “We found out something about Jack,” he explains. “And realized that what he had been hiding was connected to the break in the other night.”
Devin looks confused. He sits down on the ground. “Turn that off. I can't think with that on. It's disgusting.”
Justin nods and takes the controller out of my shaking hands. He pulls me toward him and cradles my head against his shoulder. I'm not crying or even shaking, I’m just numb. Everything I just saw, everything I've tried to forget, it's all directly in front of me and there's no repressing or denying anything. I'm feeling something foreign to me, and I can't put my finger on what it is, but then I realize, it's everything Kate has felt for me. I'm feeling it. It’s all me right now, and it sucks. Instead of the hollowness I’ve always felt inside, something new fills me, and I think it’s called rage. I feel my fists clench up, push away from Justin and walk over to part of the brick wall that hasn’t been torn down. I pick up my arm, put my hand in a fist and punch the bricks. They are loose and collapse down on the ground. One smashes my toes, and it feels amazing. I keep going. I punch the bricks and they continue to crash around my feet. Devin and Justin begin shouting at me but I don’t hear them. All I can focus on is the physical pain I’m causing myself and it helps. Devin and Justin each grab one of my arms and I wrestle away from them and focus on the wall. They are stronger than I am, though, and their second attempt restrains me. “Let me go!” I scream. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
“Jenna, stop, please,” Devin pleads. I whirl around and look at him and burst into tears. Justin grabs me again and pulls me away from the wall and sits me down on the floor. I’m choking on the dust and trying to take deep breaths. My knuckles have blood on them, and my fingernails are torn up.
“Let’s get her upstairs,” I hear Justin say to Devin, and he stands over me and sweeps me up like a rag doll and tosses me over his shoulder. He walks me upstairs and sits me down at the kitchen table. Devin has followed us upstairs and gets me a glass of water and places it in front of me. I gulp it down quickly, wishing it was whisky. Devin and Justin sit down at the table with me and Justin rubs my back while I calm down. I feel like an idiot, wishing I didn’t have to be taken care of all of the time. Devin grabs a first aid kit and pulls out some gauze and tape and antiseptic and begins to doctor my hands.