Killing Kate(60)

“He's bad, honey,” Louisa says. “He hit a truck on 55 and flipped into the median. He's on life support, but that's all that's keeping him alive.” I don't hear her if she's said anything else. I just stare out the window at the road and think about Kate. I need you, Kate, please, please, please don't leave me. Devin, don't leave me. Why is everyone leaving me?

Justin meets us outside of the ER and takes my hand. He doesn't say anything as we walk down the hallway and we go directly to a room where I see someone who is no longer Devin. Everything that is Devin has left this empty shell where he used to reside, and now it's just a body. “Even though he was wearing a helmet,” Justin says, “there's no way he could have survived it. I saw it happen. I was six cars back. He was weaving in and out of lanes. It's a wonder there's anything left of him.”

“Oh Devin,” I whisper, and walk up to the scraped and battered body lying in the hospital bed. Machines beep and there is a tube stuck down his throat. “What did the doctors say?” I ask.

As though he was waiting outside of the door, a young doctor steps into the room. “You're the sister?” he asks me. I nod. “Has everything been explained to you?”

“I-I'm not sure,” I say.

He nods and puts a hand on my shoulder. I'm sure he took a bedside manner class in medical school that told him to do just that. “Your brother's head injuries are extensive to the point where his skull is putting pressure on his brain, causing massive internal hemorrhaging. Even though he's on life support, it's a matter of minutes or hours until the pressure causes a burst and he'll be gone. Your friend indicated to keep him on support so you could come here to say goodbye, but I'm sorry that there is nothing more we can do.” I nod. I'd argue with him but it's obvious that Devin is in horrible shape, and I feel choking sobs rack through me. “We'll leave you be,” the doctor continues. “Come out when you're ready.”

Justin comes over to me and kisses my head. “I'll leave you alone,” he says.

“No,” I say. “I want you to be here,” I tell him. “You're in my life now, I want you to hear this.” Justin nods and walks to the other side of Devin's bed and sits down in one of the chairs. He looks relieved to sit. I’m guessing he’s been pacing the entire time he’s been with Devin. I sit on the other side of Devin and take his hand and a deep breath. “Devin,” I say. “It's Jenna. I want you to know that after everything, I forgive you.” I breathe in again and let it out with shaky sobs. “I forgive you for everything. I know you wanted to protect me and I love you so much for that. I love you for making me feel loved. I know you’ve always loved me more than anyone else in my life and I will never forget that. I know things were never perfect for us and I hate that your life was too short and you never got to have everything you deserve.” I stop and take another breath. “I forgive you, Devin, for not being able to protect me when we were younger. I never blamed you for anything. I know you couldn't stop it from happening.” I look at Justin, who is looking at me. “I forgive you for what Jack made you do to me,” I say, squeezing my eyes shut and feeling the tears spill out from the corners. A drop falls onto Devin's hand holding mine. “I forgive you for not stopping I asked you not to, and I forgive you for enjoying it, because I know you loved me, and I loved you too, and it's okay.” I sob harder and put my forehead to his hand. I don't want to let go. I feel Justin has gotten up and put his hands on my shoulders. I turn around and see he isn't mad, or disgusted, and he puts his hand on my face and I turn toward his caress. I stand up and kiss Devin's face all over. His cheeks, his closed eyes, his forehead. Then I whisper something in his ear so Justin can't hear what I have to say. “I will kill him for you,” I say. “I will do it. Don't worry, I'll do it. I love you more than I'll ever love anyone, Devin.” I turn to Justin and pull myself against his chest and bawl. “I have to go,” I say to him when I’m calmer. “It's over.”

Justin nods and follows me out of the room, away from the light of my life, which has been put out. I can't stop crying. Justin hands me off to Louisa who is waiting in the hallway and she leads me to sit down in a chair next to her and I lean over and sob into her lap like a little kid, while she soothes me and strokes my hair. Justin tells the doctor that he can turn off the life support, and walks back over to us. “It's over,” he says, echoing what I told him. “Let me take you home, Jenna.”

“Stay with her, Justin,” Louisa tells him, looking devastated. “I will take care of things here.” She gives me another hug. “Just go home,” she tells me, “and rest.”