Imperfect Truth(72)
We both agree.
AS THE WEEKS PASS, Alexandre accompanies me to more of my appointments. We discuss everything, but mainly, we discuss that I felt insignificant to him. During the sessions we speak of Ryder, but never what occurred with him, rather what I sought from him. We discuss what is lacking in our relationship. We both had failed each other. We both had broken promises. Dealing with the issues with his family was harder. Alexandre knew no different, so it was hard for him to understand that his parents’ control over us wasn’t healthy. Although he made changes in his life, he didn’t understand the depth of what his mother’s hatred had done to me. I knew nothing would change that. That was his mother, and regardless he would always love her, and I would never want him to not. This was one thing that he couldn’t fix. I would just need to learn to not need or seek approval from her. To take her actions with a grain of salt. This was a constant struggle, but I was willing to try it for him.
1 month later….
I’M CHOKED UP from emotion. I know I’m ready, but the thought of not seeing Dr. Singer as a weekly routine has me fearful and sad. My life has changed in leaps and bounds in the last few months. She has helped me see that my world had spun so out of control. Since the day that I walked through this door I’ve learned so much and grown so much as a person. I never want to go back to the person I was. I owe my life to Dr. Singer.
“Well remember, Ava, I’m always here, you might have reached your destination, but your journey is not complete."
“Thank you so much for all you have done for me.” A tear leaves my eye as I reply. Without her I don’t know where I would be.
I realize I spent so much time trying to be someone else’s ideal, I forgot how to be me. I learned that loneliness is only a mindset, and if you let it…it can destroy you.
I can't hold on to the pain I harbor inside me. I need to rebuild, find my strength, put me first. The road will be long and twisted. Bumps and debris will surely cross my path, but I can’t control other people's actions. I can, however, control my own. So just let it go. Each day brings a new battle, a new realization about myself, but every day I get stronger, and the weakness that used to grip my heart is lessening.
I’ve learned to regret nothing. I understand and realize that I will forever be changed for every bad thing that happened, and I’m thankful for that.
I’m not perfect. I’m perfectly flawed. A beautiful painting from afar, but up close you can see my cracks and bruises.
What I now know is that someone will love me for those imperfections. Maybe that someone is Alexandre, maybe it isn’t, but someone will see my flaws and cherish them. I’m not sure where the road will take me, but I know it will be important. And just because I don’t know how it ends, doesn't mean I can’t enjoy the trip.
THAT FRIDAY I FIND myself turning the corner from 21st to Gramercy Park, as I’m about to enter my building I lose myself in a familiar gaze standing next to a gas lantern decorating the front façade of the building.
“Hi, what are you doing here?” I ask.
“We have a date planned," he informs me as his eyes twinkle with mischievousness. They sparkle so green that they remind me of the leaves cascading down across the gates of the park.
"We do?” I eye him suspiciously.
“Yes, we do.”
“And please, pray tell, what is this mysterious date?”
He hands me a tiny piece of paper, and as his fingers brush mine, my body becomes charged with excitement. I survey what he has given me, and butterflies take flight in my belly. A tingly feeling spreads throughout my body. "You still have this?"
“Of course, Ava.”
"I don't understand? Did you have a lobotomy? Who are you? And what have you done to my husband?” A huge grin spreads across my face.
“No. I just realized a lot when I thought you were gone," his emerald green eyes pierce mine.
“And what is that?"
“That I don't want to live a life without you.”
My heart takes flight, beating uncontrollably in my chest as I try to focus on the paper. In my hand is a map, a cartoon map of New York City. It was what we gave our wedding guests all those years ago on our special day. It shows all the spots that are important to us.
“I don’t understand. Are we going to these places?” He nods.
“Wait really?”
“Yup. We have a standing date…every Friday,” he answers, and his face continues to light up with just…happiness.
“What have you got up your sleeve?” Tilting my face toward him I eye him with suspicion.