Imperfect Truth(71)

1 week later…





Me: Will you come with me tomorrow?

Alexandre: Nothing would make me happier than to be there with you.





1 day later…





IT FEELS STRANGE sitting here with him. To have him beside me in my safe place.

Over the years, Alexandre and I had never tackled our issues. We just feigned ignorance, pretending nothing was wrong. Looking back, that was not the right answer. Masking a problem will never make it go away. I was elated when Alexandre said he would accompany me, but soon my elation turned to fear, unadulterated fear. Everything is real now, seeing someone, speaking to someone…admitting we need help is a huge and terrifying step for us. What if after all this it just doesn’t work?

What then?

But as I run my fingers through my wavy locks I realize the first step to healing emotional wounds is recognition of a problem. We can do this. We had already accomplished the first step. That still didn’t stop my nerves from presenting themselves. My stomach is turning as I wait for one of us to speak. The silence in the room is painful to my ears.

Dr. Singer clears her throat. The etched lines of her face crease ever so slightly as she opens her mouth to speak.

“Hi Alexandre, hi Ava. It’s wonderful to have you both here today.” The lines become deeper as she smiles at us.

“I’m sure Ava has told you plenty about me,” he nervously says to her.

“Well…I’m not really at liberty to tell.” She winks at him. “Is there anything I can get you before we start? Glass of water maybe?”

“How about a shot of vodka?” Alexandre chuckles. “Joking, joking. I’m good.”

“Okay, so let’s get started. Is there anything in particular you want to talk about, Ava?”

“Well, I guess, I know I talked a little with Alex already about some of the issues we had, but still, I would be lying to say I understand. I just, I still don’t understand why he didn’t tell me about his job.”

The next hour rushes by in a blur. Alexandre explains his reasoning, and I do my best to hear him out.

“You could have spoken to me,” I whisper, biting back an agonizing knot growing inside me.

“I couldn’t. I’m not used to talking about what I feel. We don’t do this in my family. It was awful. My father treats me like I’m inferior to him. He controls everything. Every deal. He micromanages everything I do. I couldn’t make any business decisions without him asking me about it. Without him second-guessing me. His condescending nature was suffocating me. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what my options were. I would have told you I was breaking away, if I knew it was a guarantee. I didn’t want to tell you, and then have something happen and have the new business venture fall through…I guess.”

“Was it really that bad?’ I softly say from my seat next to him

“Of course it was that bad, it was awful. Do you know what it’s like to always be under someone’s thumb, to have your every move watched? Do you know how stressful it is?”

“Yes, actually I do. I know how stressful it is to never be good enough for someone.” I watch as the light illuminates and realization kicks in. I did know, I lived under his family’s thumb everyday…

“Shit…shit,” he says again shaking his head back and forth. The contours of his face display his anguish. “I just never saw it like that. I never realized it was that bad. I see now. I should have said something, done something, but what was I supposed to do? I was trying to work it out. I needed time. By the time I was ready…it was too late for you, I was too late.”

“It’s not your fault, I put you in between a rock and a hard place. And in the end I didn’t even let you explain. I just told you to leave.”

“Yes, but I should have stayed and talked to you. I didn’t understand, I just didn’t realize it was this bad. I never paid attention to how you felt. I was so busy shutting myself off, I guess."

“I felt like I barely existed to you.”

“Honestly…you are right. At the time, I didn’t see you, I’m so sorry, but I didn’t.”

“I felt like you never loved me, I felt like that…at the time.”

“That’s not true, I did…I just…” He stops, and I understand, he is fighting his urge to shutdown, to pull away. In this moment, I finally believe he really is trying. I smile at him and shake my head no. I understand, and he doesn’t have to continue. Dr. Singer looks up at the clock and softly speaks.

“Okay guys, you did amazing. Our time is up. So here is my advice. Try your hardest to not speak about these issues unless here, in this safe place…okay?”