Imperfect Truth(51)

Ava Readsalot: I just want to know what it feels like to be yours, I’m so sorry.



I see he has seen my comment.

I see that he is typing, erasing, typing, erasing, typing.



Ryder Matthews: You are mine, and I’m yours.

Ava Readsalot: Thank you, you have no idea how much I needed that. How much I need you.

Ryder Matthews: I do, because I need you, too.



I smile to myself.



Ava Readsalot: I’m going to go back to bed.

Ryder Matthews: Ok baby, sleep good.

Ava Readsalot: I will, xoxo.



It takes no time for sleep to steal me away. I finally feel at peace with what only Ryder could give me. I know I have huge decisions to make, but right now I will fall asleep knowing that he cares about me, that I’m wanted, that I matter, that he owns me, truly and deeply through and through.



The roller coaster of my life continues. It’s only a matter of time before everything comes crashing down. Today is going to be rough. Lucky for me…or unlucky? Alexandre decides our fight is not worth talking about. I feel that his dismissal of the whole matter is only cementing my decision. I’ve not “officially decided” what my next move is, but what I know is that it does not involve getting rid of Ryder. That is not an option. I can’t stand the thought of not speaking to him for an hour, let alone the rest of my life. I would sacrifice anything for him, even if that meant my sanity.

My sanity is lost more and more. His constant need to pull and push me is driving me so insane that not one moment passes that I’m not thinking about it. All I can see is the potential. The high I feel when he tells me how beautiful I am. How special I am. I know that even though he is busy, eventually he’ll come back. He will reassure me. I need his reassurance.



Me: I miss you. I need to know if you care?



He doesn’t answer my text, and it rips at my heart.

Breaks me.

Makes me bleed.

I never imagined that I'd ever feel this way. It feels like my life is standing still, just waiting.

Waiting for him to care for me.

Waiting for him to show me.

It makes my head spin.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t.

The day progresses at a turtle’s pace, and I don’t hear from him. I finally muster up the energy to leave the confines of my bed. There’s no food in the house, so I decide to run to the store and grab something to eat. It’s when I’m grocery shopping that I finally throw in the towel and stop dreaming of him contacting me, and I decide to bite the bullet and send him a text.



Me: I’m starting to get worried? Is something wrong?



As I make my way down the produce aisle, my pocket vibrates.



Ryder: Just finishing this book. I am thinking of you and I do miss you.



Just that alone levels me; it calms my nerves enough. Just knowing that while he writes he thinks of me, is enough.

I respond back that I’m thinking of him, and I love that he is thinking of me. He tells me he thinks of me always, and I melt. I melt right then and there in Dean and DeLuca as I read the text.

After grocery shopping, I decide to watch a movie to keep my mind off Ryder. I only hear from him two times, nothing but the two texts. He doesn’t call, and we haven’t seen each other since before Alexandre went away. It’s strange, he’s just gone, vanished like a ghost. Nothing since this morning. He’s online, but I don’t dare contact him. So I sit back and wait. I wait and wait. Hours bleed together. Afternoon has now become night. I wait until I can’t wait anymore, and my obsession takes hold.



Me: I feel like you broke me, actually I know I’m broken, and I'm not sure what to do now...



I want to plead into my text, beg for an answer.

Pathetic. Used. Worthless.

I sob uncontrollably into my pillow. My hand reaches next to my bed and grabs the prescription bottle of Xanax. One pill. Relief will come soon.





One Day Later…



Me: You infiltrated my brain. But then you disappear, leaving me confused? Did I do something to upset you?



No response.

I hold my phone in my hand. I can hear my heart pounding like the ticking of a clock. Waiting for something, for anything. A sign that he thinks of me, that I matter. The darkness I feel is consuming me.

It surrounds me.

It chokes me.

A tear escapes. I stare at the ceiling, willing more not to fall. I need him to want me like I need air to breath, and his silence is slowly killing me.

Ryder is very deliberate; every move is calculated. I wonder how long I can live like this. As the hours pass, as the moments cease to be, I wait. My self-esteem is broken down without the reassurance I so desperately need.





Another day passes…



Me: I feel broken not knowing.

Ryder: What don’t you know, baby?