Imperfect Truth(53)

As we walk into the apartment, I place my clutch on the side table in the living room and turn to Alexandre, and I think of the future. I don’t see one with him.

I know deep down that I can’t be with him. My life with Alexandre is holding me back from who I am. It’s time I start putting me first and moving on with my life. I gently remove my delicate diamond wedding band from my left hand. I stare at it through cloudy eyes rimmed with unshed tears. The words engraved haunt me now; they taunt at me ‘Don’t mistake coincidence for fate.’ We always had faith that some higher power had brought us together. Now…I no longer believe that.

“I can’t fucking do this anymore. I’m not invisible.” I pause “I’m done.” My voice is empty. There is nothing left.

He stares at me and searches for his words.

“Are you leaving me for him?” His voice is so soft; I think he might actually be scared. Scared of what, I’m not sure. I doubt he cares if he is with me or not.

“No, I just can't take it anymore.” I pause and anger starts to infiltrate me. “For crying out loud, I speak, and she either ignores me outright, or she answers you. You. Not me, and you don’t say anything.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Oh my God. Seriously? After all these years you have no idea what I’m talking about? Do you know me at all?” I give him a death stare; disdain drips out of my mouth. “Your mother.”

“Back to my mother?” His confusion and denial aggravate me further.

“Yes, it always leads back to her. I deserve better than this. ”

“What do you want me to do? What do you expect me to do?” he says as I sob “Tell them to fuck off? They are my family.”

“What about me, Alex? Aren't I your family? You need to have my back, too.” I swing my hand haphazardly in the air between us. He doesn’t speak, just starts to revert into himself. I watch as he shrinks back into the protective cocoon he is so accustomed to.

My voice rises with every word. “Do something, say something, yell at me, anything.”

“What do you expect me to do? They are my parents.” He sounds as broken as I am.

“Fight for me,” I whisper under my breath. “I don’t want to fight anymore, Alex. I’m so tired. So tired of all of this.”

Alexandre shoots me a look, his expressionless stare now gone and replaced with anger. The emerald of his eyes narrows and becomes cold. They pierce me. “You are going to fall you know?” All his usual warmth is gone “When you do…I won’t be there to catch you.” His words sting, every word rips away at me and forms a gaping hole.

“Please, when have you ever been there to catch me? Don’t worry, I’ll find my way just fine, thank you very much.”

“You know what Ava, leave then, just leave,” his voice trembles as he speaks. I can feel emotions rolling off him, he wants to say more, but he doesn’t.

“I can’t. I have no one. I have nowhere to go.” The realization is depressing…I’ve got no one.

“Then I’ll leave. If you need me, I’ll be at my parents.” His voice sounds somber, and I wish for once in his life, he would just fight for me. His voice should make me sad, but instead it just makes me so angry.

“Of course you will, God!” I shout into my hand, muffling the scream that I want to unleash.

“What does that mean?” he asks.

“The problem with us,” I stutter, “is that you need to be able to fight for me. It was disheartening not feeling good enough, but having you not fight for me? That’s what kills me. I can’t live like this anymore. Living in this goddamn cage, in this fucking prison. I can’t live up to the expectations. I was always destined to fail. All of my life, I’ve been second best. I just can’t do it anymore, Alex.” My words roll off my tongue with no regrets “He makes me feel alive. I’m so sorry, but for the first time in a long time, I’m special. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I matter.”

His eyes search mine, absorbing my words. He says nothing, though, and gives his head a little shake.

“I think I’ve heard all I need to hear. Goodbye, Ava.”

I stare out into nothingness. I turn and see Alexandre walk away, leaving me completely empty and alone. He walks out of the apartment, and I drop to the floor. I let lose all the emotions I’ve been harboring inside me. An outpouring of anger follows suit. As I let it all out, all of Ryder’s words infiltrate my mind. All I want is to go to him, to seek comfort in his arms, but the time is not right yet. I’m not ready yet. I just need a cocktail. I pick up the phone and dial my fail-safe. Jules is perfect for a time like this.