Her Not-So-Secret Diary(32)

She was aware of the muted traffic hum and small bird chatter outside the window. The refrigerator's noisy drone kicked in.

'Sophie … honey … ' he began, finally. 'I … '

Closing her eyes, she shook her head. 'No. I don't want to hear it.'

'Okay. I need a minute here.' His voice was tight, as if he was having trouble breathing.

She knew. He was having trouble breathing because he was deciding on the  best way to extricate himself from the knot he'd been about to tie  around his own throat.

'I should have told you.' She opened her eyes, this time daring to look  up, past compressed lips and into that maelstrom in his eyes. Or maybe I  shouldn't have told you at all.

And now to tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 'I fell  in love with you, Jared. Your loyalty, your sense of humour, your  perceptiveness, your integrity. You've given me the most precious of  gifts. You valued me as an employee, desired me as a lover, you respect  me as a woman. You've given me strength and a new belief in myself, but I  can't give you what you want most.'

Jared stared at her while an iron fist pummelled his chest. 'Let me be  the judge of that.' His words slashed the air, harsh and deep, like the  shock carving a canyon through his body. 'I'll be the one who decides  what I want.'

'Don't you see?' she said softly. 'I'm saving you from having to make  that decision.' The sound of a car's horn drew her attention to the  window. 'I have to go-I have a cab waiting.'

'But … hang on just a damn minute here.' He crossed to her in quick  strides, caught her arm. 'I'm taking you to the airport. We arranged  it.'

Again she lifted her hand to his chest. 'No. Please, no. I hate emotional airport goodbyes. It's better this way.'

'So you're … what … just dropping this bomb on me and leaving? Without giving me a chance to discuss this with you?'

'There's nothing to say. It's just the way it is.'

'The hell it is.' He slammed a fist against his thigh. He felt as if he  were sinking in quicksand. He needed time but he didn't have it.

The buzzer sounded and she walked to the door, opened it. 'Good  afternoon, just these cases,' she told the cabbie, indicating the two  rolling suitcases beside her.

She swung a large bag over her shoulder, then placed her key on the kitchen bench. 'You'll need this to lock up.'

So caught up in the whirlwind tearing through his mind, he almost  forgot, withdrawing a brown-paper package from his jacket pocket.  'Parting gift. Don't open it till you're on your way tomorrow.' He  crossed the few steps between them, tucked it into her carry-all.

'Oh … thank you … ' Her eyes welled with moisture. 'I left something for you  too. With Melissa. She's at home with it, waiting for you right now.'  She leaned close and whispered, 'Goodbye, Jared,' then kissed him  softly.

Her lips clung to his for the longest time. Not long enough. Not nearly long enough.

And then she was gone.



A short time later he was staring down at the skinny black and white dog  in Melissa's arms, a new red collar around his scrawny neck. 'What's  the mutt doing here?' he demanded. But he couldn't resist scratching  behind the silky ears. He'd always been a sucker where animals were  concerned. 'Looks like he could do with a good feed.'

'This is Angus and he's from the pound. He's a year old so you don't  have to worry about the puppy thing. He's fully house-trained and  vaccinated and needs a loving home.' She held him out. 'He's yours.'                       
       
           



       

'Mine? I don't want a dog. What would I do with a dog?'

'He's Sophie's gift to you,' she said softly.

He frowned, stepping away, denying the choked feeling clawing up his  throat. She'd given him a dog. 'What in hell was she thinking?' he  muttered. 'You need to spend time with them, walk them, train them.'  Love them.

That was what she'd been thinking.

'Sophie's thoughts exactly,' Lissa said. 'He'll be a companion now that  you're on your own. You'll need to come home from work earlier-a good  thing, Jared. Sophie understood that. She left food, bedding, toys … and a  letter.'

He reached for the envelope in Lissa's hand.

Dear Jared,

Angus means 'unique choice', and that's what he is-the moment I saw him  at the kennels, my search for a suitable companion for you was over. You  said you didn't have time for pets but now you'll make the time. And in  return, I promise that Angus will give you absolute loyalty and  unconditional love.

Sophie.





CHAPTER FIFTEEN




BARELY over her jet lag, Sophie walked into a job in a London pub on her  fourth day. Waiting tables wasn't her preferred choice but the position  included meals and dormitory-style accommodation and it suited her fine  for now.

It kept her hands busy and her mind occupied, she reminded herself three  weeks later as she climbed the narrow staircase to the room she shared  with two Aussies and an American from Philadelphia. Dwelling on Jared  and what she'd left behind was a waste of energy and was a downer on  what was supposed to be the best year of her life.

While she showered she reminded herself that even if he'd asked her to  cancel her plans and stay with him she'd have said no. Which he wouldn't  have, she thought, remembering his promise not to tread on her dreams.  It was finally her turn and she'd worked long and hard for it.

Under different circumstances she might have told the man she loved  she'd come back and asked him if he'd wait. But these weren't ordinary  circumstances and this was no ordinary man. This was Jared, who loved  kids, wanted a family and had already broken up with one woman because  she didn't want children cluttering up their lives. In fact he'd been  openly frank about it.

Her room mates had gone clubbing after their shifts but she'd told them  she was too tired. She slipped into long flannel pants and a T-shirt and  climbed into bed. It had become a nightly ritual to deal with her  emails first. Another to tell herself she didn't expect Jared to contact  her. And he didn't.

But every night she got that same fluttering anticipation in her belly  when she opened her inbox, and the same dragging sensation when she  didn't see his name. She'd had a couple of emails from Pam, but nothing  about the office and Jared and how he was doing. Same with his sister.  Melissa loved her new living arrangements, Angus was putting on weight  and growing more handsome by the day. But no mention of his new owner.

Tonight was no different and she closed her laptop refusing to be  disappointed. She was going to compose another entry in her new book of  dreams instead. She caressed the silk-brocade-covered notebook. Jared's  farewell package. He'd written on the first page:

Sophie,

For your dreams. May they all come true.

Always, Jared.



She'd spent the long-haul flight crying and staring out of the window and wondering what he was doing. What she was doing.

She'd unwrapped it somewhere over China and could almost hear him tell  her, 'They'll be safer on paper … ' And she could still see him smile that  sexy smile that said he shared the joke.

Except now she wrote daydreams. Castles-in-the-air dreams. Where she and  Jared and their offspring played happy families for ever after.

Impossible dreams that could never come true.



'Pam,' Jared boomed from his office at four o'clock one afternoon. 'The  reports on those soil samples for Surfers' Retreat and Spa should've  been back Monday. Get on the phone and give them a blast, I-'

'Calm down.' Pam popped her head into Jared's office and added in a  lower but no less aggravated voice, 'You're frightening Mimi, not to  mention little Angus there.'

He looked down at the bundle of black and white fur in the basket. Angus  whimpered while two black eyes stared up at him. He didn't approve of  dogs in the office, but this afternoon it had been unavoidable.

'It's okay, boy. Go back to your puppy-dog dreams. Liss'll be here to  pick you up any minute now.' And didn't the mutt look spiffy with his  new doggy trim and shampoo?                       
       
           



       

Shaking her head, Pam watched him like an exasperated parent complaining  over her unruly child. 'I left a hard copy on your desk on Monday  afternoon.'

Jared ran his hands down his cheeks and muttered, 'Where the hell is it  now, then?' When Pam popped back out again, he muttered some more choice  phrases she wouldn't want to hear.

He stared at his desk. Or what he could see of it. He'd sort it tonight  when Pam went home. It would give him something to do. He leaned back in  his chair and scowled.

Maybe he wouldn't sort it at all. He should take Angus for a walk on the  beach. He'd left the little guy with Melissa too many times to count  and it wasn't fair on the dog. Or Liss-she wasn't supposed to have pets  in her apartment and was growing tired of splitting her time between her  new home and his.