Forever Light(68)

She was right. I had to be the one to do it.

I started with the whiskey first. I unscrewed the lid and tossed it in the trash and watched as every ounce emptied out. I flushed it and then grabbed the baggy of weed. I opened it and tossed the weed in the toilet next. I stopped with my hand on the handle. I looked over to Macy. “I’m sorry I chose this over you, Macy.”

She smiled sadly.

I flushed the last of my drugs away. I feel bare, exposed that I have nothing to hide behind now. I’ve got to deal with everything head on. I’ve got to rely on myself from here on out if I’m ever going to do right by Macy again. Even our could-be baby. For Steven. For all of us.

“I love you, Landon.” Macy said.

“I love you too.”



I went home to Canby for Christmas. It was quiet for the most part. I felt lost. I’ve been numb for so long I forgot what normal feels like. I’ve been getting high for years. It calms the storm within me.

Macy and I slept together every night that I was home last week. It was the only way I could sleep. Not having something to relax me every day is leaving me with some anxiety. My biggest fear is that I won’t be enough for her. It’s not the darkness that scares me anymore; I’m used to that. It’s the light. It’s her.

Back at school I’m sitting on the bench in the locker room lost in my own world. I know I’m not playing in the Bowl but I’m still part of this team and I’m not leaving them high and dry. So I’ve been practicing with them every day.

Cash comes in and claps me on the shoulder. “You want to have a beer tonight? Just one?”

I shouldn’t but one won’t hurt me. Plus, I’ll be with Cash and I know for a fact that that’s all he’ll let me have.

“Yeah.”

“Wanna go to Taylor’s?”

Cash and I change and make our way to Taylor’s. It’s time I come clean with Cash. “The NCAA pulled my scholarship.”

He nods, “What are you going to do?”

“My dad hired a lawyer but for now I can stay in school, just have to pay for my tuition. I might have to pay back what they gave me too… but I can also petition to have the suspension lifted after the first of the year since the toxicity reports showed such low levels. Coach says the suspension will be lifted for playing next year but could be less if I appeal. My dad appealed.”

“That’s not too bad then. I mean they could have kicked you out of school, couldn’t they?”

“I suppose.” I hate that I’ve done this to my life. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, that’s right. I wasn’t. “I’m not going to the game.”

Cash frowns at me. “Why not?”

“It’s just… it’s hard, man. I feel like I let everyone down.”

“You did.”

It’s the truth.

“What does not showing up say about you? What kind of message does that send the team?”

He’s got a point and I nod. I don’t answer him though. Cash has always been straightforward with me. He doesn’t bullshit. He flipped the tables and now I see it from his point of view and I know then that I’m going to that game. To be there for him and my brothers.



December 30, 2013

San Antonio, TX

Valero Alamo Bowl



Being back with the team seems a little unreal and nightmarish at the same time. I didn’t want to go and I don’t feel like I should even be here surrounded by them. I didn’t think I deserved to go but after Cash talked me into it and pointed out that I was still a part of the team whether I was suspended or not I thought it was best to support my team.

Coach was actually proud of me.

“It’s about time you got your head out of your ass, son.” Coach Lander says with a smile, trying to put me at ease.

I put my hands up letting him know this wasn’t all me. It wasn’t me at all. I would have never done this without Cash. “Well, if it wasn’t for Cash giving me a pep talk… I wouldn’t be here.”

He waves his hand dismissively. “Doesn’t matter. You’re coming around, Landon, that’s all that matters. We’re gonna get through this. I promise you. Next year is a whole new season. You’re biggest season ever. NFL scouts will be watching your every move. You’re always in the limelight but hopefully with your appeal it will be overlooked.”

I nod in agreement, knowing he’s probably right. “Do you think they’d actually overlook this?”

“It’s been overlooked before. You’re not the first player in the NCAA to have a drug problem, Landon. Look at the NFL.” He laughs. “Everybody makes mistakes.”