Forever Light(13)

Yeah, I am wrong but so fucking what.

Reaching under the seat I pull out my bottle of whiskey. Unscrewing the top I put it to my lips and take a swig. The voices in my head quiet with every passing minute. Short lived, but I’ll take the solitude however the fuck I can get it.

I don’t hear Alexa screaming, “Steven!”

I don’t hear Macy saying, “Did you have sex with my sister?”

And I don’t hear Cash saying. “We will never be bros again.”

At least I don’t hear these things until tomorrow compliments of this bottle and this joint.

As I sit there with my head against the seat, I think of Macy. It’s where I should be right now instead of here, trying to numb pain that’s overwhelming me. I miss my girl. Well, she’s not really my girl. I’m not sure what we are anymore and most days I don’t care. I think that’s why I almost fucked Madison that night at prom. Madison is different in everything else but she looks like Macy. She doesn’t make me try to feel anything like Macy does. Madison and I share the same blame for that night and Macy doesn’t understand that. She can’t relate to what it feels like to kill your best friend. I shouldn’t have been hanging out of the sunroof, I shouldn’t have been smoking and carrying on. I wouldn’t have caused the accident.

“Goodies” by Ciara comes on the radio and the rush of memories hits me right in the fucking stomach and I’m tossed back to the night of senior prom.



Why am I here? I don’t belong here.

Those people made me sick. Look at them. Nothing fazed them. I hated how everyone was so happy and content with their lives. You know those houses with the shingles all messed up on the roofs with the gutters dangling, barely hanging on, with the cracked windows, and the summer grass up to your knees? While just down the street are those houses with the perfectly landscaped yards, freshly painted houses and expensive cars parked in the driveways? I was that roof on the forgotten house down the street. I was those broken shingles. I was that cracked window. I was that puddle that formed from the gutter hanging from the house. I was drowning, while she was that beautiful rose blooming down the street.

Macy’s eyes went wide. It’s the song that was playing on the radio that night. I held her close to me when really I wanted to get the fuck out of here. All I heard was Alexa screaming and Macy and Madison crying. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Madison run from the room. I looked around. Cash was talking with Coach Mitchel. He either was not paying attention to the music, which was nearly impossible or he’s chosen to tune it out as the memories of that night plague him as well.

Macy leaned back and looked up to me with tears in her eyes, “Landon,” she took a shuddering breath. “Do you hear it?”

Goosebumps broke out across my body, she remembered that exact second of the night that changed our lives forever. She pictured the dark, visualized the scene of the accident.

“I’ll be back.” I told Macy, not looking her in the eyes. I couldn’t, I was barely holding on right then and I knew if I looked at her and saw the pain I knew was there I’d lose it.

I think I knew where Madison had gone when she ran from the room; she was looking for an escape just like I was. After I checked some classrooms I came across the janitor’s closet.

I knocked on the door and after a few seconds it opened and Madison was before me. The pungent smell from the weed she was smoking invaded my senses. Smoke floated between us, the constant ache seemed to fade just a little. It’ll never go completely away but it seemed manageable when I was drunk and high. Madison and I shared a bond that others didn’t. Or maybe it was guilt we shared that we simply confused as a bond? They didn’t cause the accident. We did.

The only way I could survive day- to-day was to smoke, to drink, the sounds away.

The bass of the hip-hop song pumped in the background. I smiled at Madison as I pushed off from the wall. Finally, everything was quiet and all I heard was the sound of our breathing. I swayed at first, I was drunk, numb. I twisted around and started dancing, shaking my ass to the beat of the music and chuckled. I was working it, doing the butterfly and all kinds of crazy shit. I fell backwards against the brooms when I tried to spin around once more. Madison laughed so hard she snorted. It was exactly what I was trying to do.

I stepped forward. My left hand reached out to touch Madison’s hips as she moved and brought her against me. She wasn’t mine to touch, but I did anyway, testing a boundary that should never be tested. I touched because it was what I wanted right then. Fuck everything but that. I knew what I was doing when I leaned in. She did too. You can’t tell me we didn’t know and have me believe you.