Don't Follow Me: A High School Bully Romance (Diamond In The Rough Book 4)(7)

She teared up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”

“I know you didn’t mean to. My father never meant to beat the shit out of me, but he did.”

She sat up straight. “Don’t you fucking dare compare me to your father!”

“Then stop making me feel like my father did and talk to me. I love you, Rae. Now cut the bullshit and tell me what’s wrong. Because I know something is.”





5





Raelynn





I slumped back down into the bubbles. I didn’t know how to answer that question. My heartrate ticked up and my eyes wouldn't focus. My hands shook underneath the water and it became hard to breathe. I closed my eyes and it felt as if the world were tilting around me. Over and over, trying to make me sick. And still, all my body wanted to do was sink underneath the water and fall asleep. Just give in to the silent fight raging within me.

I’d felt like this for weeks.

A black pit opened up in my gut, swallowing whatever fear I had. Leaving me with… nothing. An emptiness inside I didn’t know how to explain. How was I supposed to look at the boy I loved and tell him I didn’t feel anything? Tell him I didn’t know anything? Tell him all I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up?

I couldn't put my finger on it.

All I knew was that the mere idea of school made me tremble with nerves.

I didn’t want to go to this orientation. I didn’t want my friends coming with me. I just wanted to stay home and bury myself in my own misery. But every time I thought about staying with my mother, more of that emptiness popped up. Sleep had eluded me for days. It grew hard to think straight. And spitting out the fact that I was living in a dorm room for the first semester of college made me want to puke.

College.

Whose fucking idea was that, anyway?

“Rae?”

“Can you hear me?”

“Rae, talk to me. You’ve got me worried.”

Clint’s voice finally pulled me from my trance and I drew in a sharp breath.

“Yeah, yeah. I can hear you.”

“You’re trembling, Rae. The fuck’s going on?”

I snickered. “You’re yelling at me. That’s what’s going on.”

He paused. “I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated.”

“Yeah, well, me too.”

“Tell me what to do.”

“I don’t know what to do, Clint!”

My voice rose with such fervor that it echoed off the corners of the walls. Clint flinched away from me and I slid my head underneath the water. Underneath the bubbles. Relief. The water provided relief. It muffled the sounds of the world around me and muted the screaming inside my head. I felt as if I were floating. As if I weighed nothing. As if I were nothing, and that was all right. Because even in my nothingness, I was still exactly where I needed to be.

When my lungs started burning, I came up for air. And when I wiped the soapy water from my eyes, Clint was gone. No longer did he sit on the toilet, begging me to talk. Instead, I heard him stripping his clothes down in his bedroom. Going to bed, most likely. I needed to get out of the tub and get home anyway. I needed to sort through all this shit before I talked to him about it. I knew he was feeling out of place, anyway. Being the only one of the four of us not attending college of any sort. Floating around from place to place. Not really knowing where he belonged.

I understand that feeling all too well.

“Up.”

I whipped my eyes up and saw Clint’s naked body for the first time in weeks.

“Wh--what?”

He motioned with his hand. “Up. Scoot up.”

“Clint, I don’t--”

“Up, Rae. Now.”

Curling my knees toward my chest, I moved myself forward. Clint stepped into the hot bath behind me, hissing softly as he eased himself down. Steam still rose from the water. The bubbles sloshed over the edge. His hands fell to my shoulders, making me jump as he guided me against him. My naked back was seated against his strong chest. A feeling I hadn’t indulged in weeks.

It brought tears to my eyes as his arms slid around my waist.

“Just try for me, please,” he murmured.

I sniffled. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Just try. That’s all I’m asking. Even if it’s jumbled.”

So, with a deep breath in, I tried for him.

“I’m worried that when things change, it won’t be as good. Or maybe I won’t fit in. Or maybe college is a mistake.”

He kissed the top of my head. “Keep going. You’re doing great.”

I sighed. “Home has been terrible. And yet, it’s all I know.”

“Why is home still terrible?”

“Mom stopped looking for a job months ago. She just… floats around during the day. Asking me for money. Telling me to take care of this and that. Telling me how proud she is of me for taking care of our family.”

He paused. “Wait, you’re paying your mother’s bills?”

I shrugged. “What else am I going to do? She stopped looking for a job and bills had to get paid somehow. I’ve drained almost all the money I got selling stuff. I-I-I mean, D.J. tried coming back again and I was so fucking happy with her for turning him away. But all she did was turn to me.”

“Rae, why didn’t you--?”

I groaned. “Because I didn’t want to burden you, Clint. You’ve got your own shit going on. I know how hard your father made this divorce. I didn’t want to bog you down.”

“You're not bogging me down. I want to help you. I want to be here for you like you’re here for me.”

“And I get that. I do. It’s just--”

He held me tighter. “It’s just what, Rae?”

I sniffled. “I don’t know. It’s just… so much. All at once. I thought I could trust Mom with my finances and shit. I told her about my college plans. Getting my own place. Maybe with you. And she was happy about it, until she wasn’t. She started asking for money here and there. Money for milk. Groceries. Picking up the tab if we went out to lunch. Then it just kind of grew.”

“And you didn’t feel as if you could say no.”

I shrugged. “She’s my mom, Clint. She was there for me after Dad left. And yeah, she’s not perfect. But at least she tries. You know?”

“You don’t owe her for that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t, Rae. She’s supposed to give that to you because you’re her child. You owe her nothing.”

“Yeah, well. I don’t have anything else to sell off to recuperate the money. So, I’m back to scraping pennies off the ground and working as much as I can at the grocery store while hiding how much I’m working so Mom doesn’t keep asking for more fucking money.”

“Is that why you want to live in the dorms for the first semester?”

I paused for a long time before I spoke.

“If I can find a job on campus to work, not having rent or anything will put more money in my pocket for a place, yeah.”

He kissed the back of my head. “You don’t want to stay on campus, do you?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me that, then?”

“Because living off campus is my idea and you shouldn't be financially responsible for my idea.”

“That’s bullshit. Do you even hear how much bullshit that--?”

I sighed with frustration. “I don’t care if it’s bullshit, okay? I just--do you know how envious I am of Michael and Allison right now? I mean, full fucking rides? Allison’s parents paying for her place off campus? Michael, going to school right along with her? I mean, fucking hell. Their parents are setting them up to succeed while my mother’s so sad because her goddamn meal ticket’s leaving!”

“You don’t really think your mother feels that way, right?”

“How the hell else would she feel, Clint? Tell me. How the fuck is she gonna get money if I’m not the one putting it in her hands? Because I’m sorry, but the woman is never going to get a job if she doesn’t have to.”

“Then maybe you leaving will force her to.”

I snickered. “Or she’ll find some other man to slap her around before paying her bills. And that’ll be my fault.”

“Rae, your mother’s inability to live her life in a productive way isn’t your fault. Your home is toxic, just like mine was. You need to leave, and college is your way out.”

Out, and away from you. “Yeah, whatever.”

He scoffed. “You sound like me last summer.”

I felt him nuzzling against the back of my head and it made my body ignite with life.

“You have to put your foot down with your mother,” he murmured.

I rolled my eyes. “Easier said than done.”

“You’re not responsible for her, Rae. I need you to hear me when I say that.”

“Yeah, I hear you. But it’s not that simple. So long as I’m living with her, I’m going to be held responsible until she starts blaming me for bills going unpaid because I’m being selfish with my money. I’m responsible there, just like you're responsible here.”

“That’s different.”

“How the hell is that any different?”

I turned around to look at him, but he didn’t have any answer for me.

“Things will change, Rae. All relationships do over time. But change isn’t always a bad thing. I mean, look at me. I’ve changed.”