Devil You Know(91)

“What’s wrong?”

She shrugs, and fidgets with the carpet. “I just wonder how long I can dodge Dylan, you know?”

“You don’t need to worry about him,” I say.

She looks to me, and frowns. “What have you done?”

I hold her gaze, and answer in earnest. “Taken care of it, Jane. He won’t be hurting you again.”

I reach out, and tug her to me. She settles between my legs, and leans into my chest. I cross my arms over her front, and hold her to me.

“I’ll still need to work out how I’m going to request a divorce from him. I’ll need to have contact with him for that, even if it’s through a third party.”

“Why stress yourself over it?” I say. “Let it lie, and maybe after time he won’t be as likely to contest it.” If only I could tell her the truth.

“Maybe. I guess there’s no rush.”

“Babe, you need to learn to take it one day at a time. Nobody can predict the future. You need to roll with the punches, worry about the bad stuff when it actually happens.”

“I know. Old habits—”

“—will die hard,” I finish.

She sighs when I kiss her head. “I’m sorry I keep dragging us down.”

I squeeze her tighter. “Jane, today is the happiest day I’ve had since . . . fuck, since my mom was alive. You know how long that is?” She nods. “So don’t say you’re dragging me down—just try to enjoy it with me.”

She turns her head, and plants a soft kiss on my lips. “I will.”

“I know you still have doubts, and fears, babe. But fuck, woman, you have to take a step back sometimes and see how far you’ve come.”

She nods, and her chest heaves with a drawn out breath. “I do. But worrying is as much a part of me as your preference not to share things can be a part of you.”

Ouch.

I lose myself, imagining what it might be like to sit here in a month’s time, a year. Will I feel more settled? Will I shake the worry that what I do is going to catch up with Jane? Will I ever feel deserving of what I’ve found with her?

The only thing I know for sure, as I look down at her gazing out the window at Rocco, is that I love this woman. She’s been through so much, and yet here she sits, happy to be a part of my life, to know my friends, to live with me.

And the longer she’s around, the more I can feel myself relaxing.

The more I feel home.

“It’s weird you know,” she says out of the blue.

“What is?” I ask.

“When I thought about leaving him, I always imagined returning to the person I was before we married. But you know what? It was never possible. As much as the time with him was hard, and I’d never want to do it again, it shaped me, you know? How can I be the same person I was then when I know what I do now? I was always going to be somebody new. I need to be comfortable enough to discover who.”

“Being somebody new isn’t that bad.” I shrug. “I love her.”

She smiles, and pushes her head firmer into my chest. This tiny woman has the strength of an army in her when it comes to the way she holds my heart. She has the power to lift me up, as much as she has the power to crush me.

“I love the new you, too.”

She laughs.

And I soar.