Devil You Know(77)
I thumb through my phone, ready to make a note when its message chime startles me from my task. Rocco lifts his head, his tired eyes blinking as he looks for the source of the noise.
“You’re fine, buddy,” I say, and drag the notification bar down.
Unknown Number.
It could be Malice. But then again, it could be some random wrong number. After all, I never used it to call or text him. I never saved his number.
I wonder if he did that on purpose?
Who’s to say that he’s thinking of me? He was the one who wanted to leave, so surely he would then be the one who is most at ease with the idea. Besides, I have no clue what his life was like before me. Maybe there’s some girl he’s been missing out on this past month that he’s gone to see? Does he have a woman waiting for him to come back to her? And why does that thought leave me so heart-broken?
So ready to vomit?
I stare at the display again, and punch the button before I chicken out completely. The message comes up, and there’s no way I can stop myself from reading it now.
Hey Jane,
I just wanted to check you’re okay.
Why? Is he not?
Thanks, I’m doing fine.
I type back.
Can I call you?
His immediate response takes me by surprise. I hesitate, my thumb wavering between the Y and N. I settle on S.
Sure.
The phone lights up in my hand, and a storm swirls to life in my gut. I haven’t been this nervous to talk to a boy since I was twelve.
“Hey,” I answer.
He sighs before speaking. “I didn’t know until now how much I missed hearing your voice.”
“It’s been a few hours, Malice. That’s all.”
“I’m an idiot, okay? I had to tell you I’m sorry. I never meant to fuck with you like I did.”
“It took two to tango,” I whisper. I’m as much to blame for this mess as he is. “I could have said no, as well.”
“Did you want to, though?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“I don’t regret what we did, Jane. Only that I went about it all wrong.”
A smile tugs at the corners of my lips. “Does this mean you want to start again?”
“Not right now, no.”
Heat swirls in my stomach. A blush races up the sides of my neck. Why do I feel such a fool?
“Why not?”
“I don’t think it’s the right time.”
“And when would it be?” My chin quivers.
“I don’t know.” He sighs again. “It could be soon. It might also be never.”
Tears spring forth and run over my cheeks in rivers. I wipe frantically at my nose, trying to avoid sniffing and giving away that I’m crying about the end of something I was never promised to begin with. “Well, thanks again for everything you did, anyway.”
“Jane . . .”
“Stop, Malice. Why did you call? You left, and you made it pretty damn clear we were through, so why call if you’re not going to change that?”
“To say sorry.”
“That’s not all there is though, is there? You could have left me alone, but you didn’t. You’ve phoned, and started up this fucking dance all over again.” I sniff loudly, unfazed as to whether he knows now. “What’s the purpose to this?”
“I love you, Jane.”
My breath whooshes from my lungs, and hangs out of reach. My chest hurts, and I clamor for that next breath. “Excuse me?”
“I love you, and that’s why it can’t be.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“Can’t you see what I’ll do to you? I’ll toy with you, and test you at every curve in the road, just to know you want me as I am. I’ll push you, and hurt you for my own selfish need to be given gratification. I’ll make you cry, just to know you care enough to cry for me.”
He’s right, and it hurts like a bitch to see it. “Why do that, though? Why torture yourself, torture us, when you don’t need to?”
“Because I don’t believe I’m worth the effort, Jane. I may want to have you, but I don’t deserve to get what I want.”
“Maybe then I don’t deserve you either.”
The harsh rasp as he sucks in a breath crackles through the line. “Don’t say stuff like that, Jane. Just don’t.”
“Why? I’m obviously not enough for you otherwise you’d want to try again, to see where we could take this. Why am I not good enough for you, Malice? Does it suck that bad to know I want you, too?”
“You just shouldn’t.”
I close my eyes, and grimace. “But I do, Malice. Stop being such a fucking ignorant bastard and give in to this. Why the hell can’t you be happy? Why can’t I be happy? What is stopping us from living our fucked-up lives together, huh?”