Devil You Know(74)

I don’t deserve any more chances.

“I tried to do this thing between us right, Jane. I really did. I used to think I had all the answers; that I knew how best to protect your feelings, make you trust me, earn your respect. But fuck, woman, you test me. You show me how fuckin’ wrong I am, and I hate it. I hate knowing I’ve been wrong all these years, that I’ve hurt people, that I’ve fucked it all up . . . again. I just . . . I can’t do this any more.”

“So, you want to add quitter to that list then, huh?” Her mood shifts, and her disappointment is as clear as a slap in the face. “I had you pegged as more of a fighter, Malice. Nothing comes easy, and you of all people should know that. Hell, look at me.” She sweeps her hands along the length of herself. “I’m living proof that fixing the wrongs in your life is fucking hard. And you’re evidence that it can be worth it.”

“Maybe for you, but I don’t see it that way. They say what you put out into the universe you get back ten-fold. Well, we all know how much shit I put out there. What do you think I keep getting back? I’m no good for you.”

“Says who?” she bites out.

“Me.”

“And you’d be the expert because . . .”

“Because I just am, okay?” I snap.

“We’ve all got vices,” she murmurs. “Nobody is perfect.”

It doesn’t matter. Nothing that happened to me, no excuses for my choices in life give me the right to play with her feelings the way I do. She thinks that I’m her fucking prize, that I’m the one who’ll make her happy for the rest of her life. She’s wrong. My inability to accept what’s wrong in my life and have the kahunas to fix it is hurting her. All I do is cause her pain, and if I can’t see myself sorting my own demons out any time soon, then she deserves peace.

She deserves someone who will give her what she deserves. Someone who will make her happy every day, all day—not just when things happen to work out that way. I need to stop wasting her time.

“Once the funeral is planned, and everyone leaves, I’ll go back to my place in town,” I tell her. “You need this house. I have my own.”

She swallows, hard. “If that’s what you want.”

“It’s what you need.” I stand, and walk away from her. “You don’t need me.”

Perhaps happily-ever-after isn’t the ending my story will get, but there’s no reason why I should stop it being hers.



I’VE DONE it; I’ve gone and proved I’m not worth the trouble. I pushed him until he didn’t have the answer. I gave him the door, and he walked through it.

In the end, I got what I wanted, didn’t I? I got my reason why he couldn’t be the perfect solution to my shitty life. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed until he snapped, until he found a reason why we would never work out.

I proved that I'm not worth being loved—that I’m not enough.

Who the hell was I kidding, anyway? In what universe would I ever work out in a relationship with Malice? I'm surprised he didn't run screaming for the hills when he saw the truckload of baggage that accompanied me. Maybe this is simply his delayed reaction?

But then, he said it himself. ‘Sometimes the people who understand the best, are those who’ve been there themselves.’

All I did was try not to understand. I criticized him, and judged him without giving him a chance to tell me more. How could I not see that he may have a legitimate reason for still living this life? When the man who’d helped me had shown nothing but compassion and care, why would I then choose to think of him as cold-hearted, and callous?

The fact he’s so affected by Tigger’s death should tell me all I need to know—the guy has a heart. He knows how to love.

He's given me that love, and all I've done is ignore his cry for help.

No wonder he thinks he’s not what I need. I made him think I need more.

“Malice, wait!”

He turns at the door to the house, and looks my way. The sadness, even from this distance, kills me.

“Come back, please. Let’s talk about this.”

He shakes his head. “No point, Jane. It’s over.”

“It can’t be.”

“It was never anything to begin with,” he replies. “We’ve been fooling ourselves long enough. You need what I can’t offer.”

“And what’s that?” I ask, standing, and walking closer.

“A bright future.” His eyes drop, and he heads into the house.

I stand frozen in the driveway. This can’t be all there is to us. It just can’t.





SHE STANDS at the door, watching me go, and I know she’s waiting for me to change my mind. But I won’t. I screwed this up the minute I fucking kissed her, tenfold when we fucked. I let my wants get the better of my needs, and I took things from her I had no right to have.