Devil You Know(58)
“Fuck up, Malice.” Ty hollers. “Get a grip, bro. She’s ready. You’re insulting her by telling her she’s too weak to be trusted with what we do. Let her decide for herself.”
“She wouldn’t hack it,” I say, fisting my hands through my hair. “She’s too broken.”
“Correction,” Bronx says. “She was broken. I can see how much she’s changed, and it’s only been a week since I met her.”
“Tell her,” Ty says. “In the mean time, we’re leaving. I think tonight’s got as good as it’s ever going to be.”
Fuck. I drop into the armchair and watch as the boys round up their stuff and leave. Those guys do have my back, and they’ve proved it by holding a mirror to what an asshole I’m being.
I march up the hallway to find Rocco lying at her closed door. “Jane?”
“Go away, Malice.”
“No.” The handle doesn’t budge. “Unlock the door, Jane.”
“Go away!”
“I’ll break it in if I have to.”
“What the fuck for?” she hollers. “So you can stand there, and not me tell me anything some more?”
“Open the door, Jane.”
“NO!”
I click my fingers at Rocco. “Out of the way, buddy.” He trots aside, and watches as I shoulder-barge the door.
“Jesus Christ, Malice. Give me a minute.”
Jane opens the door, and I push it wide before she has a chance to change her mind.
“What is the issue, huh?” she snarls. Her posture is rigid, all her rage directed at me. “You come in, take me from the nightmare I had, and give me another bed of lies to rest in? Why? What the fuck did I do to deserve this? Why shut me out?” Tears crest her cheeks, and all my fight evaporates. “Why do this to me? If all you were going to do was screw with my head, I wish you’d left me alone.”
She flops onto the bed, and draws her knees to her chest. At a loss, I run my hands through my hair. Do I go to her? Do I give her space? Who knows best right now? Because quite frankly, I don’t know if I can say that’s me any more.
“Don’t say that, Jane. Don’t say you’d rather be there.”
She laughs, cold and empty. “I wonder sometimes, what’s worse; his fists, or your lies? I know how to handle a broken bone, a bruise, but I don’t have a clue how to handle what you do to me.”
I step toward her, and drop to my knees. “What do I do?”
“I thought we’d reached a point, you know? We sat there on the couch, and you told me stuff about you, stuff about your dad. We shared, and it wasn’t about me. But then I sit there, watching you with those guys—don’t get me wrong, they’re great—but you’re obviously hiding something from me. And then Tigger says what he did, and I wonder where I stand?” She huffs, and shakes her head.
“What am I to you, Malice? A project? A challenge? You gave me an out, saved me from misery, but I don’t know why. I don’t know why you bothered if having me around obviously causes you so much stress.”
Each word slams into me like a knife to the soul. She can see right through me, and I know that. It’s my ignorance that has put us in this situation. I thought I could save her the heartache of knowing the real me; save her the stress of seeing how ugly the world is out there. I had a fucked-up illusion of being her prince charming, saving her from a nightmare and whisking her away to perfection.
But what’s perfect in our lives? Nothing comes easy—shit, I of all people know that. So why did I think I could fool her? Make her think the world was all fucking sunshine and roses, when I know damn well is isn’t?
“I don’t know why I did it,” I answer with my head bowed. “I listened to him hurt you for so long, month after month”—She gasps—“and every time you cried, every time you called out, it resonated within me. I’ve been there, Jane. Maybe not with an abusive spouse, but I’ve known what it’s like to go to bed and hope you don’t wake up the next day. To pray for some freak accident to take your life, because you’re too fucking chicken-shit to do it yourself.”
“Are you trying to say you wanted to help me because you failed yourself?”
I throw my head back, and stare at the ceiling. That’s the sum of it, isn’t it? “Yeah. I think you nailed it on the head, Jane.”
“Malice,” she says softly.
“It’s not an excuse; I know that. It’s barely a sound reasoning for what I’ve done. But tell me this, Jane.” I connect with her weary gaze. “Despite these obvious problems between us, are you happier now?”