By Proxy(45)
Sam had been standing behind her, but now came up beside her at the railing, covering her mittened hand with his own. “Cancer?”
She nodded, biting her lower lip. “It went fast.” She swallowed back her tears, which reminded of her of a favorite quote. “C.S. Lewis wrote, ‘Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.’ I cried for a long time, Sam. And then the decision came easily. I needed to stay in Gardiner, to tend to the boys, to be with my family. There’s nothing more important than family.”
He nodded beside her. “But what about you?”
“What about me?”
“You loved Great Falls. Are you happy here? Is Gardiner enough? Is this what you want?”
“I love Gardiner. It’s small and safe, and the people I love are here.”
She wasn’t being honest with him, though, and she knew it. Gardiner was a long way from perfect as far as Jenny was concerned. Small and safe and beloved? Yes. But paradise? Alas, she conceded, no.
She missed Great Falls terribly. The symphony, the lectures, the shopping mall, she considered ruefully. Not that she could ever be comfortable in a huge city, but a small city like Great Falls was her idea of heaven.
Thinking about it wouldn’t change it. She looked up at the sky. “Look. Cassiopeia. The vain queen.” She pointed. “See it? The W.” He didn’t answer, so she turned to look at him standing beside her.
“I want to kiss you again,” he murmured simply, leaning toward her.
She wanted to melt into him, to find comfort and warmth in his arms. To repeat the mind-blowing, toe-curling piece of perfect that had been his lips on hers, his tongue gently sucking on hers. To assuage her terrible, unfulfilled longing for him. To know what it felt like for him to want her as much as she wanted him.
A memory you want to keep. Would she want the memory of so many perfect, passionate, heart-stopping kisses once he was gone?
She straightened her spine and looked around, gesturing to the people coming and going around them. “Not here,” she whispered, “where anyone could see us.”
He nudged her in the side gently with his mittened hand. “Dinner?”
She smiled at him, hating that confusion that made her feel disappointed and relieved at the same time, and nodded. “Dinner.”
***
The Grizzly Guzzle Grill was hopping with diners taking a break from the cold of the Stroll. Jenny and Sam sat at a table by the windows and after a moment two Cokes appeared, courtesy of Lars at the bar.
“I suppose you want a beer?” Jenny asked.
“You don’t like it.”
“No, I don’t. But, I’m not the one drinking it.”
“I meant you don’t like it that I drink it.”
“Sam, it’s not up to me what you do. Men will have their vices. I know what that means, and an occasional beer is a vice I can handle.”
He grinned at her, appreciating the way she seemed to loosen up the longer he knew her. “Well, in that case, I’d love a beer.” He glanced at Lars. “I assume Lars doesn’t disapprove, considering his vocation?”
“The boys aren’t big drinkers,” Jenny shared, “but they are known to partake from time to time. They have woken up the day after many a Midsummer in pain.”
They placed their order, which included two burgers and a beer. The latter part of the order prompted a whooping laugh from Lars at the bar when the waitress headed over to collect the beer, gesturing to Jenny and Sam. Jenny looked over at him, and he pantomimed doing a shot, looking at her expectantly, palms raised in question. She held up her glass of Coke and took a nice, long sip, then smacked her lips in satisfaction, sticking her tongue out at her brother.
“Hey,” Jenny started, turning back to Sam, who made himself look away from her tongue as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Did you mention a niece before? When we were looking at the gingerbread?”
“Yeah. My sister Colleen has two little girls, Heidi and Greta. Heidi’s five now. Greta’s only two.” Jenny’s face was animated and focused, encouraging him to continue. “And my other sister, Muirin, has a little boy, Colin. He’s new.”
“New?” Her eyes were bright with interest.
“He was born a few weeks ago in September. Colleen lives north of Chicago in Milwaukee.” He gestured to his left with his left hand. “Muirin lives across the lake in Kalamazoo.” He gestured to the right with his right hand. “We were all in Kalamazoo for Thanksgiving with Muirin and baby Colin.” He fished in his pocket for his iPhone and clicked on the photo app, choosing a picture and handing the phone to Jenny. “Uncle Sammy and baby Colin.”