Beautifully Destroyed(69)

Chapter Thirty-Five





“I don’t think you are really thinking this through, Fate,” Clarissa says, and I know she is worried about me. She’s a mom to me and having your child in this situation is never something you would support. I know I’d be having the same trouble driving my daughter to this meeting.

“I have to, Clarissa.” I need to see this through.

“You don’t. This won’t fix it.” I know what she is referring to, but I can’t go there. I keep my walls in place.

“I can’t talk about this right now, Clarissa,” I snap back. Her face turns from worry to sadness, causing me to immediately regret my words. “I’m sorry. I just…I have to end this today. Living with the fear is killing me from the inside out.”

When we pull up outside, I know she wants to come in with me. She turns off the car and I feel the memories trying to break through. I stay strong. She gets out and comes around to open my door. She takes a deep breath and looks down at me. “Are you ready for this?” I shake my head and I see her grip on the door tighten. “I’d kill him, you know, to keep you safe.”

“I know and that’s why I can’t let you come in there with me. You will protect me and this is something I have to do on my own. It’s time I take my life back.” She nods, and I get out of the car and walk into the building, never taking a breath until I’m finally through the doors.

Standing in the waiting room, I feel the terror start to take hold of me. Breathe, Fate, you can do this. The bell sounds, startling me. An announcement is made, telling visitors to make their way to the visitation area. The dread is overwhelming. Walking to the gate, I give my ID to the man and he points me in the direction of the visitation area I will be in. When I walk through the door, I see the glass and my breath becomes uneven. I sit in my chair as I wait for this moment.

As he sees me come into his sight, the smile that comes to his face sickens me. He picks up the phone on his side of the glass and I slowly grab mine. As soon as he speaks, I regret being here. “My baby girl couldn’t stay away, she needed her daddy.” All those feelings I have been holding in come out, not in tears but in the anger I have never been able to show him.

“I’m not your baby girl. You lost that right when you snuck into my bedroom after Mom died. A father doesn’t do what you did to his daughter. You don’t deserve that name. The only reason I kept Fate was for Mom, she wanted that to be my name. Always telling me it was her fate to be my mother, but your name I gave that up as soon as I could. I will never be your daughter again,” I say venomously. He doesn’t flinch. He just looks stunned.

“You can’t change blood. You can never change that,” he finally says and I’m already shaking my head in response.

“I can’t change the fact that you had a part in my coming into this world, but you were the reason I hid in this world for so long. What happened, why then? You never came to my room before,” I ask because it’s a question I have been asking myself since that morning I woke up and my whole world had changed.

“After your mother died…I was lonely.” I feel the vomit coming up the back of my throat.

“How dare you? Don’t use Mom. If anything, I think the only reason was because you know Mom would have killed you before she let you touch a child. Because, Kurt, I was just a child. You took that from me. I lost Mom and just like that, I lost my father too. The damage you did in those nine months after Mom was gone will be with me for the rest of my life. You are sick. I hope they keep you in here for a very long time, so you can’t ever do this to another child.”

“It was only you, Fate. I never did this before that night.” He actually looks as if he’s struggling to talk. “The following morning I felt sick to my stomach for what I did to you. I swore I’d never do it again, but every time I got back into the booze I found myself back in your room. Each time I said the same thing until I knew it was no use, I’d do it again. Then I became addicted to it. To that fear I got from you, I never thought you’d tell anyone.” If it hadn’t been for Clarissa, he probably would have never been caught. She just reminded me so much of my mom and when she stood in front of me asking me to let her help, I believed her.

“You destroyed me,” I whisper.

“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t know that. When they took you from me, I was actually relieved. I knew you’d be taken care of better than I could ever do myself. Your mother was my glue. She kept me in line and without her I had to find my own way. I was in a treatment program when I saw you in the tabloids and all over the Internet and it was like I was back in that house again.”