Beautifully Awake(97)

Every muscle in my body burned from complete and utter exhaustion, but I refused to close my eyes and let this night end. Tomorrow was the unknown. Was he going to slip away? The lyrics to one of my favorite running songs, Daylight, looped on repeat in my head. I was staring at his perfection in my arms and hoping to hell this was not our last night together. I was terrified that when the sun came up we would be on our own. I knew there was still so much uncertainty. He might have finally opened up and told me about losing his sister, but it didn’t explain why he walked away from us.

After our explosive reunion   in the alley, Chase carried me straight into a hot shower, stripped us out of our sopping wet clothes and gently washed every inch of my body, tending to my scraped knees as if they were gaping wounds. I knew through his soothing words and compassionate gaze he would wash away every bad thing that ever happened to me if he could.



We didn’t really speak again. Not until after he made sweet love to me and we were quietly entangled and caressing each other under the sheets. As much as I loved the comfortable silence, Chase retreating to his head was worse. I wanted him to know he could trust me, that I was his safe place.

Lying side by side, our noses only an inch apart, I whispered, “She was beautiful.” I hoped my attempt to re-engage our conversation didn’t backfire. He must have known I saw the photographs that lined his parents’ library. We never spoke of his sister after he walked in on Asher telling me about the accident.

He exhaled softly and parted his lips ever so slightly, as if the memory just dawned on him. “Yes. She was.” But that was all he said. No more. Instead his fingertips continued their gentle assault over the sensitive skin of my side.

When I got up the nerve to try again, I stopped myself. Chase’s eyes possessed a frailty, imploring me no more, not tonight. The rawness clawed at my heart and I decided to leave it alone. Instead I crawled on top of my damaged man. We made love to the beat of the rain until he surrendered to sleep.

Now with his eyes closed and breath so soft, I wondered what he was dreaming of. What happened that night of his sister’s accident? Did it haunt his dreams? My gut told me there was more weighing on his soul. I brushed his overgrown hair from his forehead, tracing the healing cut on his temple. Why, baby? I was losing the battle to stay awake. I snuggled in closer and whispered a prayer. “Please trust me enough to show me beneath your beautiful.”

I struggled against my heavy lids, finally succumbing. Daylight was inevitable.

Falling asleep naked in the arms of my amazingly hot lover while listening to Maroon Five play in my head probably explained the incredible dream I was having. When the bed dipped the first time, I was too tired to move. But Chase’s warm lips touched the tip of my nose and I heard him say, “I’ll be back, Blue.” God I hoped so. I tried to open my eyes, but it was useless. I drifted back off.



The second time the bed dipped—I was able to lift my eyelids. Chase was showered and in clean clothes, sitting on the edge of the bed. He went home already. What time was it?

I groggily sat up against my headboard, raising the light sheet over my naked breasts. It was insanely hot again. “What time is it?” My voice sounded raspy even to me.

Chase leaned over, grabbed my glasses off my nightstand and sweetly placed them on my face. He gently stroked my cheek and lightly brushed his lips across mine. His intoxicating smell overwhelmed me.

“You’re teasing me,” I whispered.

He looked amused, tenderly tucking my morning bed hair behind my ears. “It’s early, baby. I’m sorry I woke you. I have a case this morning that I already had to reschedule from last week, or else I would have stayed in bed.” His face turned serious, like he was memorizing my features; like I was the most beautiful thing he ever laid eyes on; like it might be the last time he had the chance.

“I understand. I’d never be upset about you having to go to work.” He knew that, so why did he look ... nervous.

He handed me a hot Starbucks cup. “Girl coffee. I think I owe you a few weeks’ worth.” His voice was low, and he looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. I didn’t like where this was going.

“Chase? What’s wrong?”

He rubbed his palms back and forth over his knees.

“Chase, look at me.” Nothing. The already sweltering room suddenly got ten degrees warmer. “Chase?” This was not happening, again. Was it? Uncertainty overwhelmed me. I witnessed the same frailty from last night plaguing those beautiful eyes. He was retreating to his head. “Truth, Chase ... truth. You can trust me—I’m here for you. Please.” Something had to give.