Beautiful Boy(24)

I couldn't take it anymore and pressed my chest against her trembling  back. I felt her calm slightly the moment my arms wrapped around her  bare waist.

"Novah … " I breathed her name against the soft skin of her neck and her  body relaxed a little more. Not much, but some. Enough for me to  understand the effect I had on her.

She bucked against me, then pushed backward against my chest until she  had enough room to turn around. The whites of her eyes were streaked  red, making the blue overpower the green until her eyes shone like a  cloudless sky on a summer afternoon. Her eyelashes were wet, turning  them into thick black barriers to hide her pain every time she closed  her eyes.

"I wasn't trying to compare your scars with mine." The way she spoke  didn't sound angry, but seemed to be out of deep rejection coating each  word in thick emotion. "Who has the most pain inside isn't a game I want  to play. It was never meant as a competition. And I'm not trying to  discredit what you've been through by offering to share parts of me."         

     



 

I wasn't sure how to respond. Deep down, I knew it wasn't what she'd  tried to do. And, honestly, it's not even how I'd taken it. But for  whatever reason, I'd grown defensive over her request to reveal my  haunting demons. Yet I couldn't form the words I needed in order to  explain it to her.

"I'm sorry … " My voice was hoarse, heavy with uncertainty and unbridled  remorse. "I'm not very good at this. I don't know how to share myself  with anyone. I've never done it before."

She swallowed harshly and nodded. "That's why I wanted to share myself  with you. It's why I thought if we both opened up, it might be easier."

I grabbed her face and pulled her closer to me until her flesh warmed my  entire torso through my thin shirt. "This came out wrong the last time.  So if it comes out wrong again, please don't push me away."

Her head barely moved in my grasp, but it was enough for a nod, a silent  promise. It was enough to offer me the comfort I needed to go on,  without the worry of her walking away again.

My throat was raw, achy, like I'd swallowed shards of glass, my words  scratching to get out. "I want to hear about your life … about you. I want  to know all there is to know about who you are and what you've been  through-what made you the person who's standing in front of me right  now. But I don't understand why you'd think we could bond over our  suffering."

Her hand came to rest over my left pec and then drifted to the side,  just beneath my armpit. With the numb scar tissue, I could barely feel  anything other than the pressure of her touch.

She focused her attention on the place beneath her palm and licked her  lips. "Because I think our scars were born from the same tragedy. They  might not look alike, or feel the same, but I believe our pain  originated from the same source."

"What do you mean?"

Her gaze met mine, and then everything else faded away. The only sounds  were of her heavy breathing. The only thing I could see was the raw  agony in her eyes. And I couldn't sense anything other than her presence  in front of me, surrounding me, filling me until every muscle in my  body coiled tight with the anticipation of her words.

"We shared something together all those years ago. Something I don't  think either of us were expecting. I was nothing but a girl who went to  school, kept to herself, content in her own little bubble. You were just  a boy who existed in everyone else's world, trying to find his own  place to fit in. And for whatever reason, sitting in your parents' back  yard, we connected on some level most people never experience until  they're much older. I let you into my bubble, and in there, you found  somewhere to belong."

My bottom lip trembled as her words took me back to a time that had,  since then, only lived in my dreams. A time I'd long ago believed I'd  dreamt up, because there was no way the universe would've offered it to  me, only to rip it away from me before I could have ever called it mine.  I'd held onto the memory for so long, but not once did I ever believe  I'd get another chance. And standing here, listening to Novah's version  of a lost boy and lonely girl, I finally realized the moment I'd carried  with me for all those years had lived inside her, too.

"I gave you a part of me that day, more than you realize. Yes, I gave  you a taste of me, more than anyone else had ever gotten before then,  but what I really gave you went beyond my body. I gave you my dreams,  and you've owned them ever since. And I must've unknowingly given you my  heart as well. I just don't think I realized it until you showed back  up in my life. I've dated-some serious, although most were casual. But  not once, in all this time, in all the men I've seen, talked to, dated,  been with … not once has my chest felt this full. Like it's sat empty for  years, waiting for you to fill it."

The backs of my eyes stung with the threat of tears, but not caused by  sadness. They were brought on by the deep, emotional sentiment of her  words, her confession. I knew without a doubt she believed everything  she said. Every word. Every memory.

"I'm not entirely sure how you feel." She began to fidget, her fingers  twisting in my cotton shirt. "I mean, you've said some stuff, and I  think I understand. At the very least, I know I've been in your thoughts  enough to lead you back to me."

The need to end her nervous rambling suffocated me, but burning  curiosity hindered me from acting on it. "You said our pain came from  the same tragedy … what did you mean by that?" I regretted my question the  moment it slipped past my lips. Using a spoon to rip my heart out  would've been less painful than watching her reaction.         

     



 

She immediately cowered, probably taking my curiosity as rejection, but  at least she didn't pull away from me. With her head tilted down,  blocking even more of herself from me, she said, "I never recovered from  what happened between us. The kids at school were mean-and not in the  little kid way. I was literally traumatized every day. I thought it'd  get better after Christmas break, but it didn't. It was brutal. I  thought maybe my sophomore year would be easier after your friends had  graduated. But I guess I didn't realize how many people adored you in  all grade levels. Each year got somewhat easier as new kids began to  fill the hallways, but it never stopped the ones who knew about it from  tormenting me."

The agony filling her voice, her every word, sank into my chest and  twisted my heart into an unruly knot. It reached deep inside and fisted  my lungs, squeezing out every ounce of oxygen in me.

"Boys would ask me out, and the few times I said yes they left me crying  in my room, never wanting to show my face again. One guy brought a  camera, saying he wanted to take pictures of me while I sucked his dick.  Another guy took me out to eat, and then made disgusting comments the  entire time about how I should lie naked on top of the table, because it  wasn't like everyone hadn't already seen it."

"Novah … that's enough."

"No." She vehemently shook her head and locked her eyes on mine for the  first time since opening up. "You wanted to know how this affected me,  so I'm telling you. All of it."

I slowly nodded for her to go on.

"It stopped after high school, but the scars never went away. Dating was  never easy for me, and every guy I met, I'd lump him in the same  category as the cowards from school. I lost my virginity when I was  nineteen in the front seat of a sports car, because I grew tired of  holding onto something I believed would never be valued by anyone but  me. I started thinking I was crazy. Every kiss, every touch … I'd compare  it to yours. Because even though our moment had been tainted, I still  couldn't fully convince myself it wasn't real. It felt so real, and I  think that's why it hurt so much. I felt betrayed, and that betrayal  stuck with me for fifteen years, turning into hatred, both with myself  and with you. My hatred eventually left me void. I lost the need to care  about being respected by a man. Genuine guys didn't exist to me. I  couldn't allow myself to believe their gentle touches, kind words, and  meaningful gestures were sincere. They did nothing but leave me  expecting the worst."

I wiped a lone tear from her face, and then held my finger over her  lips, hoping she'd end my torment. I couldn't stand to hear another  word, knowing I'd been the cause of the suffering she'd carried around  with her.

She closed her eyes and pressed a kiss to my fingertip before pulling my  hand away. "I didn't tell you any of this to hurt you, or to cast the  blame on you. I know now you were just as much a victim as I was. That  one event burned us both. Scarred us both. However, it's led us back to  each other."

I pressed my forehead to hers, wrapped my arms around her waist, and  held her close to me. It's what I should've done in the hallway while we  waited outside the principal's office. But I'd been too much of a  coward.