Beautiful Boy(20)

Eventually, I stopped paying attention to her and began meandering  through the piles of junk alone, growing lost in the eerie silence that  had enveloped the yard.

By the time the sun had fallen behind the horizon, leaving the sky  varying shades of burnt orange and blood red, I'd found myself standing  in front of a Ford station wagon, which appeared to have been from the  sixties. The color was almost unrecognizable due to the lack of paint  and abundance of rust, but I could tell by a few spots around the faux  wood paneling that it had once been blue. And it didn't look as if it'd  been there long because it hadn't been stripped of its parts yet.

The crunching of gravel beneath shoes behind me alerted me of her  presence, but I paid it no mind as my thoughts drifted back in time when  things were good. I ran my finger over the side mirror and across the  door to the handle, much like I used to do all the time as a kid. Except  back then, my fingertip would slide easily over the clear coat instead  of flaking off bits of rust along the way. Soft clicks from Novah's  phone camera sounded in the distance. I pulled open the door, slid  inside, and took in how well the interior had been kept.

I closed the door, effectively blocking her out.

But then the passenger door creaked open, and as it closed, my memories  vanished. I glanced to the side and found Novah in the seat next to me,  watching me closely with a steely posture and inquisitive eyes.

"My grandfather used to own one of these when I was younger. I was just a  kid, but I remember it so vividly … like it was only yesterday. I used to  ride into town with him as he ran his errands."

"You were close to him?" Her question was soft and timid, but I could  tell she cared very much about my response, eagerly listening to what I  had to say.

"My dad's parents lived very far away, so I was never around them much  growing up. And my grandma on my mom's side had suffered a massive  stroke when I was a baby, so she never left the house and had at-home  care. Until I was ten, I spent every summer with my grandpa. I'd help  him around the yard and go into town with him. I don't think he really  needed to go to that many stores, but he'd take me. Probably to get me  out of the house and away from my grandma's bedside.

"When I was in the house, I'd sit with her, because even though she  couldn't go anywhere or really talk, I wanted as much time with her as I  could have in order to make memories. My mom used to tell me that when I  was born, my grandmother had doted on me and bragged to all her friends  about how perfect her grandson was. And I wanted to have lasting  memories with her, even if they weren't the kind most kids had. We'd  watch movies or play checkers. She couldn't move her right arm, and had  very little control over her left, but she did have enough to point to  her pieces and direct me to where she wanted to go. I'd tell her stories  of my days, fishing with Granddad and learning how to drive his  tractor, and her eyes would light up as she listened."

"Why did your visits stop when you were ten?"

"My dad won the senate seat and we moved. My grandfather passed away two  years later, and my grandmother followed him six months after that."

Novah placed her hand over mine on the bench seat between us. Her touch  was warm and comforting, which calmed me enough to meet her gaze.

"I think I've been lost ever since."

Her throat moved as she swallowed, and then she intertwined her fingers  with mine, tightening her grip on my hand. "Maybe you need to find  yourself before you can be found by anyone else."

I shook my head, emotion clogging my throat and preventing me from  speaking. And then, out of nowhere, it began to rain. It started with  slow, fat drops hitting the windshield hard, sounding more like rocks  than water. Then it fell harder, faster, pummeling against the glass  like rapid-fired bullets. The windows immediately began to fog,  isolating us in the otherwise quiet car.         

     



 

"Fucking Florida and its damn summertime rain." I rested my head against  the back of the seat, staring up at the falling fabric hanging loosely  from the headliner. "If there's one thing worse than having a fake leg,  it's having a rusted leg."

"Had you never shown me, I would've never guessed you had a prosthetic  leg. It's completely undetectable by the way you move. I'm actually  rather impressed." She shifted in her seat, angling her body toward  mine.

I rolled my head and faced her, noticing her relaxed features as she  patiently watched me. "I guess that's what you get when you have a  guilt-ridden father with deep pockets. His love for me is proven by how  expensive my artificial leg is and how much my therapist charges."

"Why is he guilt ridden?"

A snorted chuckle erupted as I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I moved  my attention to the steering wheel, picked at the emblem in the center,  and contemplated my answer.

"It was my punishment for what I did to you."

"I don't understand … "

"He made me enlist in the Army. Except, what he'd expected to be a few  years on a base somewhere turned out to be something completely  different. September Eleventh changed everything. And instead of doing  my time and getting out, I was shipped off to war."

Her gasp trapped the air in my lungs and formed a burning ache in the  pit of my stomach. But I kept my focus on the steering wheel, not taking  the chance to witness her expression.

"This happened to you … because of me?"

There it was. I'd had the same accusation living inside me for years,  always placing the blame on Novah. But hearing her shaky words as she  voiced my own thoughts made me cringe at the absurdity.

"It's not like you suggested the Army as my penitence. You never asked  me to take those pictures or develop them. It wasn't your fault the guys  on the team were immature enough to steal them, and then hand them out  at school. And I think it's a safe bet to assume you had nothing to do  with our country going to war. So really, Novah, how could any of this  be your fault?"

Her silence forced me to give in and glance at her. I hoped I could  quickly catch something from her expression and turn away again, but  it's not what happened. The moment my eyes locked with her tear-filled  gaze, I froze. My throat burned with the taste of acid rising from the  pit of my stomach. The deep remorse in her wide, panicked eyes caused my  gut to twist and turn with agony.

"Novah … this wasn't your fault." I actually believed it, and the  realization stunned me. After pointing the finger at her for so long, I  think I had somehow convinced myself of it. But sitting here now with  regret emanating from her like heat from a fire, I no longer believed it  to be true. She wasn't to blame, and it was about time I set the record  straight.

"I know … but it doesn't make me feel any better. I assumed you were  traveling the world, living off your dad's dime in the lap of luxury. I  hated you for skipping out and leaving me to deal with the fallout. God,  Nolan … I never expected this. This entire time, my hatred for you has  been completely misplaced. None of this should've ever happened."

"If it's any consolation, I spent years hating you, too." I paused and  waited for the defensive confusion to cross her face, but it never did.  Instead, she nodded as if she understood, or even possibly agreed.  "After the accident, I turned the blame on a lot of people-people who  never deserved my hatred. So trust me, I get it."

"Can you talk about what happened? If not, I get it. But I'd like to know about your life after you left school."

I shrugged as if it were no big deal, when inside, my nerves were so  fried it seemed like my organs were convulsing. No matter how many  shrinks my dad had sent me to, I never spoke to any of them. I never  opened up to my parents, or even the group at the VA clinic. Not even my  brothers in arms could pull the images from my mind. But one look from  Novah, one simple question, and I wanted to tell her everything.

"I'd just finished with basic when the towers were attacked. I remember  thinking my life would never be the same again." I swallowed harshly and  then dropped my gaze to our hands, gently swiping my thumb over her  smooth skin. "I remember thinking I might not ever see you again."

"After what happened between us, why would you ever want to see me again?"

I pulled her hand to my lips and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles. "At  the time, I wanted to apologize to you, get a chance to explain. I  needed you to forgive me."         

     



 

Novah got to her knees and moved even closer to me. She sat hesitantly  at my side, and when my eyes refused to meet hers, she crawled into my  lap and straddled my thighs with the steering wheel at her back. Her  small hands held my jaw with her fingers spreading out across my face,  forcing me to meet her somber gaze.