Beautiful Boy(28)

"Are you ready to eat yet?" He picked up my discarded clothes and slowly  helped me back in them-with the exception of my shirt, which remained  in the kitchen.

"I don't know. Are we talking about food this time?" The teasing smile  burning my cheeks stole my expression, so I gave in and enjoyed the  lighter mood.

He kissed me, hard, and then he led me back toward the kitchen by my hand, showing just how attentive he was.





Eleven





After cleaning up the kitchen and putting away the last dried plate,  Nolan came to stand behind me. He pressed his lips to my neck with his  fingers tenderly holding my waist.

"That was amazing lasagna, Novah. Probably the best I've ever had."

I swatted at him while an airy giggle escaped me. "It was cold. And I  didn't even get to make the garlic bread. Someone kept me occupied."

His deep chuckle reverberated against my neck just before he gave my ass  a gentle slap. "You won't get an apology from me if you're looking for  one. Best sex I've ever had … best lasagna I ever had. I'd say it was a  winning night."

I hung the damp dishtowel on the hook and turned to catch his eyes. "So what now?"

His gaze fell to the floor, his hands went to his pockets, and he  pivoted back on his feet. His demeanor changed faster than coastal  weather in the summer. "It's getting late, so probably a shower and then  bed."

Hoping for an intimate moment with him, I asked, "Is there room for two in your shower? Maybe a movie in bed?"

His head shook uncomfortably while he continued to avert his gaze. "I  don't think so. I'm exhausted and will probably fall asleep the second  my head hits the pillow."

I couldn't stand to hear another rejection from him, so I nodded-despite  him not looking my way-and headed for the door. Words wouldn't work  through my clogged throat enough to even utter a goodbye, so I didn't  bother to say anything.

My flip-flops were by the front door, making my swift escape even  easier. I slipped them on and walked out. I raced to the elevator with  the conflicting thoughts and emotions suffocating me. His actions-and  reactions-were those of a caring person. His words were meant to swoon  over and fall for. Yet the way he took me, the way he dismissed me, was  the exact opposite, like he only wanted one thing, and now that he'd  gotten it, he no longer had a use for me. And I hated that feeling-the  feeling of being used, dumped, discarded like a one-night stand after a  night of drinking.         

     



 

I'd had it before, but didn't expect it from him.

Nothing made sense. He seemed so contradictory, and I didn't have a clue  as to which one was the real Nolan. I cursed to myself, hating the way I  so easily ate up everything he'd told me like my favorite cake on my  birthday. I'd never been this gullible when it came to a guy before-ever  since my last intimate moment with Nolan in high school. I'd stoned  myself and guarded my heart when it came to men like him, and I'd prided  myself on always spotting their behavior. But for whatever reason,  Nolan had a way of blinding me to the facts, and manipulating me until I  no longer knew which way was up anymore.

"Novah!" His deep, booming voice echoed in the empty hallway, catching my attention as the doors on the elevator opened.

I glanced from his stormy expression to the empty cart in front of me,  then back to him as he steadily paced my way with a bundle of flowers in  his hand.

"Why did you leave like that?" He finally made his way to me, standing  only a few feet away. He kept his gaze on the opened elevator until the  doors closed soundly. Then he turned his attention back to me, studying  me with knitted brows as he waited for my answer.

"You said you were tired."

"And you took that as meaning I'm too tired to say goodbye or walk you  out?" He closed in the gap between us and took my hand, forcing me to  lock gazes with him. "Talk to me, Novah. I can tell you've got something  on your mind. Don't walk away from me like this. Please."

My shoulders pulled up in a dramatic shrug, hoping silence would keep  the tears away. But the harder I fought against it, the more it came  anyway. And the burning behind my eyes intensified the anger inside  until I couldn't hide from it any longer.

I pressed my palm against his chest and took a step back, sensing the  cold doors of the elevator behind me. "I'm not doing this anymore,  Nolan. You have this gift of saying the right words and getting me to  open up to you. For whatever reason, you make me want to give myself to  you. But this was the last time."

He grabbed my wrist and removed my hand from his chest, locking my arm  over my breasts as he shoved me harder into the closed doors of the  elevator. "Don't say that," he begged helplessly into the crook of my  neck, his words thick with agony. "Please, Novah … don't say that. I – I  need you."

My head screamed, telling me this was nothing but another tactic to  weaken me to his will, and reminding me I should remain strong and push  him away. But my heart said something completely different. It believed  his desperation, his pleading cries, and told me to hold him closer, to  never give up on him.

"If you need me so much, then why would you treat me this way? Why would  you get your way with me, with my body, and then kick me out like  yesterday's trash?" My questions were quiet, yet firm and steady, and  I'd take that over frantic and tear-filled any day.

"N – no … no, Novah." He pulled back just enough to hold his face right in  front of mine, leaving me with only his eyes to see. "That's not what  I'm doing."

This time, my voice was strong, harsh, without wavering on a single  syllable. "You tell me everything I want to hear, make me yours in every  way. And then once you're done … you're done. It's obvious you don't care  that I'm not ready to end the night, or how sending me on my way leaves  me feeling used and unwanted."

"You have it all wrong, Novah."

"Then tell me!" I shoved him, pushing him away from me about a foot.  "You tell me to stop shutting you out, yet you're doing the same to me.  Trust me, I get it's hard for you to open up to someone-especially  me-but if you don't, I have nothing else to go on except silence and the  brick wall you've built around you."

He dropped his chin to his chest and took a deep breath, his back  arching like a bow. At his side, a bouquet of flowers hung loosely in  his grip, like he was seconds away from losing hope.

"I am willing to go at your pace." My voice softened back to a  comforting level. I worried he'd shut down even further if I didn't ease  up some. "I know this isn't easy for you, but it's not easy for me,  either, Nolan. I'm not used to this any more than you are. And if you  want to hold me at arm's length, then fine. I'll be as close or as far  as you need me to be, but you can't pull me closer only to push me away  all the time. And you can't let me in only to close me off soon after.  I'm a person with feelings-not a kite or a yo-yo."         

     



 

"I'm so sorry. That's not what I meant to do, and certainly not how I  want you to see things. Trust me, I want you to stay the night. I want  to wake up to you in the morning. I don't want to fear what'll happen  after the sun comes up, or give you a chance to change your mind. But  I'm not there yet."

"You're not where?"

"I can't shower with my leg on. I can't sleep with it on. But I'm not  ready yet for you to see me that way. Hell, I don't even like to see  myself that way-disfigured, broken, half a man." His finger trailed down  my cheek to the corner of my mouth. "I'm not pushing you away, Novah. I  never want you to go anywhere … but I need time before I can let you see  that side of me."

My resolve softened as I relaxed against the cold metal of the elevator  door. So many conflicting emotions warred inside me over what to do and  what to think about everything. I understood him, and never wanted to  force him to do anything he wasn't ready for, but the selfish side of me  wanted to make him see it was all in his head.

"Okay." I nodded and offered a sliver of a grin at his shocked silence.  "We've only just begun, and like everything else, we shouldn't rush it.  But I think we should set some rules to avoid situations like this from  happening again. I don't like this uncertainty and the back-and-forth  emotions, and I'm sure you don't enjoy making me suffer like this. I  understand your reasons for asking me to leave, but from now on, I need  you to be honest with me from the beginning. I can't read your mind, nor  do I have any idea what it's like for you. So please, in the future, if  you become uncomfortable, talk to me about it. Don't just say you're  tired and ready for bed."

"I think I can do that," he whispered and nodded. "Can I see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I would like that."