Beautiful Boy(25)

Her breath fanned my face as she said, "Fifteen years ago, you showed me  something beautiful, but it became ruined, tainted, turning our moment  into a nightmare-for us both. We were too young to defend ourselves,  which left our fate in the hands of others. But we're not young anymore,  and we are fully capable of determining our destinies. Now … it's my turn  to offer you the chance to experience something beautiful. This time,  we only have ourselves to blame if it goes bad."





Ten





Nolan's lips attacked mine, ending what I had to say. The way he clung  to me, his fingers painfully gripping my hips, his mouth consuming mine,  left no doubt in me how he felt.

I twisted his shirt in my hands in an effort to pull him further into  me, even though we couldn't possibly get any closer. His lips left me  lightheaded, stole the breath straight from my chest, and caused me to  become unsteady on my own feet.

But then the buzzer on the oven sounded, dousing our heated exchange  like ice water. He dropped his forehead to my shoulder and grunted,  digging his fingertips into my hipbones with enough force to leave  lasting marks on my skin.

"Dinner's ready." My voice came out airy, heavy and burning with  unsatisfied desire as I spoke against his collarbone. I gently pushed  against him, needing to pull the pan of lasagna from the oven before it  burned.         

     



 

"I'd rather eat you," he said with his fiery lips against my neck,  scorching me with a heat that traveled down my body and settled between  my thighs.

I hesitated for a moment before pushing him away enough to slide past  him. His promise had left my panties wet and my core throbbing, but I  had to stay strong. Not only did I have food I needed to tend to, but we  had been in the middle of a very serious conversation-one which had  left me with an unanswered question. And I wouldn't allow myself to get  hung up on his sexual promises before finishing what we'd previously  started.

The lasagna was too hot to eat, so I left it on the stove to cool down  some. When I turned back around, I found Nolan hunched over, his  forearms leaning against the tops of the barstools I'd been trapped  between. But his deep, penetrating gaze was locked on me, practically  stripping me of what little clothing I had left on. I suddenly became  aware of the fact I stood in his kitchen in nothing but a bra and small  cheerleading shorts.

He must've read my mind, because as soon as I moved to grab my shirt, he swiped it from the bar, keeping it from me.

"Come on, Nolan. Let me put it on for dinner. I don't particularly care  to burn my chest with hot cheese." I smiled at him, teasing him enough  in the hopes of him returning my shirt to me, but it didn't work.

"If I have to eat with a hard-on, then you have to eat topless. It's only fair, Novah."

"You know, you could rectify your problem by letting me have my shirt  back. You might just calm down if my breasts weren't on display."

He finally smirked, but it was sinister and full of other promises that  left me clenching my thighs together. "I can think of several ways to  rectify my problem … none of which include you putting clothes on, and all  of which involve you taking them off."

He stalked toward me, rounding the bar until he stood in front of me.  His thick arms caged me in against the counter behind me. Everything  about him from his darkened hazel eyes to his ticking jaw, his coiled  biceps to the hardness behind his zipper-which he tauntingly pressed  into me-had my body burning with need. But I craved more from him, so I  fought against the desire that left my clit swollen and achy, and stood  my ground.

"If you think I'm weak enough to give in, then you ought to spend a  little more time getting to know me. You're tempting, Nolan, but I've  played this game before."

He bent down so his lips grazed the edge of my ear, his fiery breath  coating my neck in chill bumps and sending shivers down my back. The  bundle of nerves at the base of my spine tightened and ached.

His words were mostly made of thick air as he whispered, "Tell me what  to do to get between your legs." The tips of his fingers trailed up my  bare thighs with the softness of a feather. "To get inside you." He  pressed into me harder. "To taste you again." His tongue traced the  outer edge of my ear just before he nipped the lobe gently between his  teeth.

Everything in me screamed to let him have his way, to give in and  succumb to the things I knew he could give me-things I'd never been able  to find since him. But I couldn't. If I ever wanted all of him, every  nuance he kept hidden from the world, I couldn't be weak.

I had to steel my resolve for him.

"Talk to me. It's the only thing I want from you, Nolan. I just poured  my heart and soul out to you, and all I ask for in return is a response.  A breadcrumb, a tiny piece … something to help quiet the fear in my  head."

That's all it took for him to back away, his eyes zeroing in on mine,  narrowed and dark. No longer were they clouded by lust, but clear and  focused. He remained in front of me, back hunched so his face was level  with mine.

"What fear?" He dipped his head as soon as I attempted to glance away,  keeping me from breaking eye contact with him. "Novah … what fear?"

"I thought … " Insecurity suddenly attacked me, leaving me small and  insignificant beneath his scrutiny. "Never mind. It's stupid-it doesn't  matter what I thought."

"No." He carefully wrapped his fingers around my neck and forced me to  look up as he regained his full height. "Stop doing that. Everything you  do matters … every thought, every feeling, ever word. They all matter.  Don't start something and then shut down." He leaned closer until his  forehead pressed against mine. "Don't shut me out."

I fell into him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face into  his chest. "I told you how I felt-how I feel-and you dismissed it,  changed the subject when I said I wasn't sure about yours. Listen, if  you don't want to tell me, I understand, but please don't lie to me.  Don't try to sidetrack me with promises of sex. If you don't share the  same sentiments, it doesn't mean I'll give up on you. I can't expect  you-"         

     



 

"My God, Novah." He threaded his fingers into my hair and used it as a  leash to pull me away from his chest. "You have got to stop these  nervous rants. If you don't stop talking, then I'll never be able to  tell you anything."

He stared at me, as if expecting me to respond, but I couldn't. He told  me to stop talking, but even if he hadn't, his gaze was intense enough  to silence my words before they could even form.

"I have no idea why you're unsure about my feelings toward you. When you  came to my office on Monday, I didn't hold back. I told you how I felt  about you in high school. None of which was a lie. After everything I  told you in the car on Wednesday as we sat in the junkyard … how could you  possibly doubt how I feel?"

"I didn't say I doubted it. I said I could assume. But I don't want to  do that. I don't want to play your words in my head and try to surmise  what you mean by them. You've said a lot, Nolan. Some out of anger,  which if left solely to assumption wouldn't exactly lead me to  certainty."

"Then let me make sure you know with a hundred percent certainty, without a shred of doubt, and with no room for assumptions."

I blinked and waited for him to continue.

"You were right on the money in your explanation of the afternoon in my  mom's garden. Of who I was back then … who you were. And how we were-the  connection, the moment we shared. All of it. You say you unknowingly  gave me your heart. But I unknowingly took it."

He licked his lips and dropped his gaze, clearly struggling with his  words. But I remained stoic, silent, waiting for him to find the  composure he needed to go on.

"Fear has no place in war. When you become afraid, you lose the ability  to be proactive. But it's hard to block it out when you see death on a  daily basis. When you lose brothers, people you've grown to love. When  you have to pull the trigger because life comes down to you or someone  who'll take you out without a moment's hesitation. Suddenly, you find  yourself alone, your pistol in your hands, with only one way to escape  the demons living inside you. And you realize you now face two enemies:  the ones hiding in the trenches, and the one in the mirror. You ask  yourself what's the lesser of two evils. Do you wait to be taken out by a  stranger who hates you, hoping you make it back stateside for an  honorable burial, or do you bite the bullet and give yourself one last  moment of dignity?"

"No … Nolan." Tears clouded my vision, pouring from my eyes and trailing  in warm paths down my cheeks. I'd asked for answers, but I never  expected to hear this.

He gently shook his head and wiped my face with the calloused pads of  his thumbs. "No matter how badly I wanted to end it all, guarantee my  way home, even if it would be in a box, I couldn't do it. The memory of  your face kept me from pulling the trigger. It kept me alive when death  seemed so much easier."