Instead of You(25)

I unbuttoned her jeans, pulled the zipper down, then tugged them off her legs, watching her lift and wiggle her hips to assist. It was dark, but I could see the stark white of her underwear and the sweet lace that lined the edges. I let out my own groan as I trailed my nose across her belly just above the soft edge of lace. I wanted to do so many things with her, to her, but I tried to rein myself in.

I pressed my lips against her skin again, moving up to her mouth, kissing her, feeling her bare legs wrap around me again. She used her feet to pull me down to her and, Jesus, fuck, she ground her hips up into me. Something inside me snapped and the thread of sanity I was so desperately gripping slid right through my fingers. My hand rested on her hip, then slid to her knee, holding her to me, then I thrust against her, watching as her eyes fluttered closed and her mouth fell open, only a soft moan coming from her.

So many countless nights I'd dreamed of being with her, of watching her underneath me, this was all too surreal, and so much better than I imagined.

Suddenly I felt her hand at the button of my jeans and I stilled, closing my hand around hers. "Kenzie, we can't." My forehead was pressed against hers, my breaths panting out of me at a rapid pace.

"I want to touch you." Her voice was raspy, deep, drowsy almost. And sexy as fuck. Her hand wriggled free from mine and she unbuttoned my pants. I lost the will to stop her. "We don't have to have sex, but I at least want to feel you." I opened my eyes to find her staring right at me, paused, waiting for permission. Suddenly, our roles were reversed, and she was the one taking cues from me.

I would deny her nothing.

I finished unzipping my pants and pushed them over my hips, kicking them off, then rolling off Kenzie so we were facing each other. I reached up, pressed my hand to her cheek, then slid it back into her hair, pulling her lips to mine. I felt her hand tremble as it grazed my stomach, her fingers tentatively pulling on the elastic of my boxer briefs. I lost my breath as her hand slid in and wrapped around me. Our lips were just a breath apart, both of us panting, her fingers moving gingerly over the most sensitive part of me.         

     



 

She started at the base, squeezed, then moved to the tip, her hand becoming slick once she moved over the top.

"Jesus, McKenzie," I whispered, unable to even move my lips from hers before I uttered the words.

"Am I doing it wrong?"

"What?" I pulled back, looking her in the eye. "No, it's better than I ever thought it could be."

Her hand started pumping up and down again, and I tried to focus on her, but I was losing control. "Hayes, please, touch me too."

Without a second thought my hand slid down the softness of her stomach, pressed under the lace of her underwear, and I found her wet and warm. "Christ, you're perfect," I managed, even though I could hardly put the words together.

Minutes seemed like hours as we moved our hands over one another. It might have lasted days, I had no idea. She was moving her hand up and down my shaft so perfectly, and I was glorying in the feel of her, so tight and ready for me. I slipped one finger inside and smiled softy when I felt all her muscles contract, even the ones in her jaw. We had so much time ahead of us to figure it out, to make sure we were always in tune, but this first time-that first touch-it was so much more than I could have asked for.

We were all hands and mouths and bodies rubbing against each other. Eventually I lost the ability to care whether anyone could hear us because I was so lost in her. We were panted breaths, and bitten shoulders, and Yeses and Oh Gods.

I focused the pads of my fingers on her clit, rubbing gentle yet quick circles, and I matched her pace. My fingers followed the crescendo of her hand against me, and finally, we both found release together.

It was not lost on me how incredible or rare it was to come with someone simultaneously. It had never happened to me before, and I simply couldn't wrap my mind around how connected I already felt to McKenzie.

"Wow," she whispered after a few moments, both of us lying still, catching our breath. "That was …  perfect." She said the words and before I could even agree, she backpedaled. "I mean, it was for me. I know it probably wasn't great for you. I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about?" I said the words as I pulled her face to look me in the eye. "You've got to stop doing that. What we just did? It was incredible." I pressed a soft kiss against her lips, trying to reassure her. "Stop doubting yourself."

I lost her eyes for just a moment as she looked away, but she brought them back and said, "I just feel really inexperienced with you."

"Inexperienced?"

She let out a small huff. "Can we not talk about it? I'm sorry I brought it up." Her hand came to cradle my face. "I'm just overwhelmed is all." I watched her eyes, trying to figure out how to respond, when her face lit up suddenly. "Oh, don't move." She pulled out of my arms and reached into the corner of the tent that held all our clothes and pulled her purse from the bottom of the pile. She reached inside and pulled out a travel-sized container of Kleenex. I watched as she gingerly cleaned me up, then threw the tissue toward the foot of the tent.

I watched as she searched for her tank top, then pulled it on. I groaned inwardly, sad I was losing the beauty of her bared to me. But as she was doing that, I remade the bed of her tent, zipping the two bags together, making it one bag and big enough for both of us. She climbed back in, her sweatpants back on, but not the full garb she'd had on earlier, and I pulled my t-shirt back on.

When we finally settled, she didn't hesitate to curl into my side and rest her head on my chest again.

"Can I ask you a question?" she whispered.

"Of course."

"How many people have you slept with?"

"Five," I answered immediately.

I heard a long pause, silence, then "Oh."

"Oh?"

I felt her shrug. "It's just a lot."

"Is it?"

"It's more than me."

"I'm four years older than you."

Another silent pause. "Yeah."

"Babe, I don't want you to worry about how many people I've been with, or how you compare to any of them. You don't. Or, they don't, actually. None of them compare to you. They can't. They started in your shadow and none of them ever managed to get out of it. The other girls, they were just, like, road bumps."

"Okay," she whispered, but she did not sound convinced.

"Listen, it goes both ways. If I spend our whole relationship worrying about how I compare-to Cory of all people-it wouldn't be fair to us. I don't want to think about you with other guys. It's not good."         

     



 

Another silent pause, longer this time. I thought maybe she'd fallen asleep, but then, "There's no one to compare you to. I've never been with anyone else."

"You mean, besides Cory?"

"No," she said softly. "I mean, I've never been with anyone."

One day I'll be glad the tent was pitch-black in that moment so McKenzie couldn't see my face twist up in confusion, or my jaw drop at her words. But the darkness couldn't hide the words I said, unfortunately. "You never had sex with Cory?"

"Can we just take him out of the equation? Can we just talk about my lack of experience in a general way?" she asked with exasperation.

"Sure," I said, even though I would never be able to pretend Cory wasn't the guy she'd been with before me. Ever. "So, you've never had sex? With anyone?"

"No."

"How is that possible?" I heard the words come out of my mouth and then realized they probably weren't the best choice. "What I mean is …  um …  I guess I'm just surprised. You were with your last boyfriend for a long time. And you're eighteen. I guess I just assumed … ." I rubbed my hand up and down her arm, trying to smooth over any aggravation I might have caused with my words. "I'm sorry. I'm saying all the wrong things."

"Is that okay with you? I mean, I'm not very knowledgeable in the bedroom department."

I pressed my lips into her temple, kissing her gently. "You know your way around a tent pretty well."

She laughed, which was exactly what I was going for, but then she also slapped my arm, which I also took since she was still laughing. Her laughter died off slowly and I made a point to take all the humor out of my voice before I asked, "So, can I ask what you have done?"

"Well," she started, her voice a little shy and shaky, "everything I did to you tonight, I've done before. But that's as far as I've gone. But … ." Her voice trailed off and I could feel her muscles tensing.

"You don't have to tell me right now, Kenz. But you should tell me eventually. This is important, you know, if we're going to be together."

"The last person I was with, um, he'd seen me without my top, but he'd only ever touched me over my clothes between my legs." She said the words fast, as if she was trying to get them out before she lost her nerve. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.

"I wish you had told me sooner."

"Why?"

"I think I might have handled the last hour of my life a little differently."