Instead of You(23)

"I wasn't 100 percent aware of how I felt until he was gone, Becca. I loved him, I did. So much. More than anything. But I can't explain the amount of relief that came with his death. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that, but it happened."

"Wow," Holly whispered. "That must be really hard for you."

I nodded, once again wiping away a tear rolling over my cheek. "I was never untrue to him, and I never stayed with him for any reason other than, well, because I wanted to be in love with him. I hoped every day that I would wake up and that one piece that was missing would just fall into place. But it never did." A sob broke free and my head dropped back into my little hiding spot. "I would never have hurt him on purpose."

"God, Kenz, this is crazy. We all thought you guys were the real deal. Like, house, kids, dogs. The forever kind of thing."

"I know." Everything she said was everything I'd tried to give Cory. I'd wanted him to have whatever he wanted, even if I couldn't love him the way he loved me. I'd have done anything for him. "If he hadn't died, that's what would have happened, Becca. I would have been with him forever. Half of me thinks I would have been okay with that. But now, the other part of me who realizes fully what was going on, the terrible part of my brain, is actually thankful he died." I let out a cry as more sobs broke free. I hadn't cried this hard since the first night we lost him.

"Oh, Kenzie," Holly said, wrapping her arm around me and putting her mouth right next to my ear. "You're not thankful he died, that's ridiculous. You're thankful that you don't have to force yourself to live a lie anymore, and that's understandable. You loved Cory, we all know that. No one could deny that. But just because you can imagine a life without him doesn't mean you're glad he's gone."

"I'm not glad he's gone," I said quietly, knowing it was the truth. But I couldn't help but question whether I wanted to go back to how it was before. Knowing what life could be like with Hayes, what just a glance from him could make me feel, I wasn't sure I could have gone back to the life I had with Cory. I was also glad, in a terrible, terrible way, that I didn't have that choice. I didn't have to choose between Cory and Hayes and I would probably forever be grateful for that.         

     



 





Chapter Fifteen

Hayes

The meeting with my cohorts was exactly as I expected, and was very similar to all the meetings we'd had since the beginning of the program. The only difference was, this was the first one I'd been able to attend since Cory and my father were killed. I'd missed a couple and thankfully my advisor was very accommodating, but it was nice to have something to do back in Bellingham, nice to go back to a physical place that didn't hold any bad or confusing memories.

As I'd expected, my advisor, Donna Hunter, had explained my situation to the other cohorts, so when I approached the table at the café we always met at, I was received with a lot of sympathetic expressions. Everyone expressed their condolences, and once they were convinced I wasn't going to break down and cry, the meeting moved along as all the others had before it.

Aside from Donna, there were five other students in my group, all of us at the same point in the process of obtaining our master's in education and our teaching license. The meetings served as a way for us students to talk about our in-classroom experiences, bounce ideas off each other, and decompress if needed. I'd been pretty lucky to be grouped with five pretty awesome students, and Donna was probably the best advisor I could have asked for.

After the official meeting was over, Donna asked me to stay behind. I said good-bye to all my fellow students and waited for Donna to dive into whatever she wanted to discuss.

"I hope you didn't mind me telling the others about your situation." Her words were compassionate and worried.

"It's fine. I'm sure everyone was wondering why I'd been gone for so long, missed so many meetings."

She nodded. "They were. But they were also glad when I told them you wanted to continue with the program despite the tragedy. How is your classroom going? Are you handling everything all right?"

I shrugged. "I think it's going well. Mr. White has been really helpful, a great resource, the class is great, and I've been able to adopt the curriculum to work with my thesis topic."

"That's great," she said, but the tone of her voice indicated she wasn't convinced. "What about the emotional aspect of the assignment? How are you faring working in the same class your brother used to attend? That must be difficult."

"I guess I'm really lucky that Cory and I were four years apart. I never went to high school when he was there, so I don't really have that connotation. When I go in that building it feels weird, but only because it's where I went, not because Cory was there."

"Well, that's a good thing, I suppose."

"I think so."

"I know Mrs. Anderson and Mr. White already explained this to you, but I wanted to reiterate: If this assignment proves to be too difficult, or you realize, at any point, that it is not in your best interest to be at that school, in that classroom, the university and I are willing to let you take an incomplete. You can come back at any point and pick up right where you left off. There will be no detriment to your GPA, or your licensure status."

"Except that I won't actually be licensed. I'll have to wait another six months at the very least."

Donna folded her hands on the table, threading her fingers together, giving me a sad look. "It wouldn't be the end of the world." She sounded like my mother, before she lost her husband, son, and mind. Before she fell apart, with good reason. I knew Donna was just expressing concern for me, but it made me uncomfortable. I wasn't used to people, especially in academia, questioning my capabilities. She let out a breath, her shoulders loosening, slumping forward just a bit. "Promise me you won't hang on to an unhealthy situation. Please, promise me you'll let us know if you need to walk away. We'll all understand, Hayes."

"I promise if I feel I need to leave the classroom, I will." It would take wild horses to drag me away from the one hour a day I got to be in the same room with McKenzie.

McKenzie.

She'd gone to that party and the two-hour drive back home was only spent imagining the things that could happen there. I'd been on the Holstater compound before; I went to school with Ryan's older brother. I knew there would be alcohol and guys waiting to take advantage of drunk girls. And I also knew Nathan Patterson would be there.

I tried calling her a few times, hoping maybe she'd decided not to go after all, but when my calls went directly to voice mail, I knew she was at the compound and had no signal.

Shit.

I didn't want to be that caveman who couldn't control himself, but, damn it, I couldn't control myself. She was with her friends, but her friends were all paired off, and I didn't want to imagine what could happen to her if she were left all alone.         

     



 

My foot pressed down on the accelerator and I sped up, knowing I should drive straight to my mom's house, but that's not where I ended up.



I could see the glowing embers of what used to be a pretty large bonfire, and I shook my head at the teenagers who couldn't even properly put out a fire before they abandoned it. Although, it was providing a little light, which I was thankful for.

I'd parked in the lot with all the others, not surprised at how easily my memory returned and took me right to it. I'd wrestled with the decision to use my cell phone as a flashlight, knowing that if anyone saw me it would be really difficult to explain the situation without raising some red flags. So, I'd used it until I got close to the end of the path, then I'd waited a few yards away from the main campsite, in the dark, behind some trees, watching to see if anyone was still up.

There was a group of ten or so kids near the slowly dying fire, but just moments after I'd spotted them, one yelled, "Who's up for skinny dipping?"

There were a bunch of cheers and then they all ran down the beach toward the river. I couldn't see another person anywhere, so I stepped out from the trees, walked past the fire, and headed toward the meadow where I knew all the tents would be.

"Kenzie," I whispered loudly, the screen of my cell phone lighting the path. I passed seven tents before one caught my eye. I knelt down next to the tent, near the door that was zipped closed, and took a deep breath. I was about 80 percent sure it was McKenzie's tent, but I had no idea if she was in there, let alone in there by herself. What if one of her friends were in the tent? How would I explain my being there at all? What could I possibly say that would excuse me, a teacher, unzipping a student's tent in the middle of the night? Never mind the thoughts racing through my brain at what I'd like to do to said student.

I was possibly making the biggest mistake of my life, unzipping that tent.

I didn't care.

The zipper moved smoothly over the tines, quieter than expected, and I opened the tent just enough to pull the nylon fabric back and look inside. There I saw McKenzie, alone, sleeping. I let out a relieved sigh, then opened the tent enough for me to climb in, trying to be as quiet as possible. She started to stir as I was closing the tent back up.

"Becca?" she asked, groggily.