Instead of You(29)

"You love me?" he asked, quickly followed by, "or you're in love with me?"

I understood why he was asking, why he needed the clarification, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than to reassure him.

"Every part of me is in love with you." The words left my mouth just before his lips descended. The kiss was soft and slow, lingering, as if he wanted it to be branded there, to last forever, to mark me. My hands lifted to his stomach, sliding around, pulling him closer to me. With every second of the kiss that elapsed, the panic within me rose. His kisses, unlike any kiss I'd ever received, were limited. We had an expiration date, I could feel it. There was no way for this to last. Something would pull us apart, wedge between us, crack the foundation we were standing on, which was already broken when we climbed atop it. I pulled away just as a sob ripped out of me, climbing out of my chest.

"You know I'm in love with you, Kenzie. I love you so fucking much," he said, holding my face to his chest as I cried. His hands pulled me into him, moving rapidly to make sure he got hold of all of me.

I didn't answer him, couldn't vocalize what I was thinking. It doesn't matter how much we love each other; it's all doomed anyway.





Chapter Eighteen

Hayes

Sitting at my desk, I looked over the assignment in front of me, the one I was supposed to be grading. I'd read the first paragraph four times already, each time losing interest and my mind wandering. I dropped the paper, exhaling loudly, running my hands over my face. It had been almost a week since McKenzie had told me she loved me, that she was in love with me. It wasn't at all how I'd imagined those words passing our lips for the first time-in a dark bathroom, her crying, the words sounding more like a good-bye than the promise of a future together.         

     



 

That night she'd wiped her eyes, dried her tears, pulled away from me-in so many ways-and gone home. She didn't wait for her mother, didn't kiss me good-bye, said practically nothing before leaving my house. It killed me. And since then she'd been distant, hardly speaking a word to me, answering my texts with short, one-word replies, and definitely not touching me. In fact, it seemed as though she was going to extra lengths to stay as far away from me as possible. She'd been late to class all week, coming in just after the bell, making it impossible for me to say anything to her in private, practically running for the door as soon as the period was over, and she'd stopped coming to my house with her mom.

That fact I couldn't really blame her for, not after what my mother had said to her.

The door to the classroom opened with more force than usual, causing my eyes to dart in that direction. Mr. White strode in, his steps quick, a somewhat panicked look on his face.

"Mr. Wallace, I'm glad you're here. There's been somewhat of an emergency with my daughter, and I have to leave. Mrs. Anderson has given the okay for you to cover the rest of my classes, if you're okay with that." His statement was a question.

"Of course, I hope everything will be all right."

"My daughter was in her PE class at the middle school, playing soccer, and they're afraid she's broken her leg. They already took her to the hospital by ambulance, so I'm headed there now. My wife is meeting me there."

"Well, that sucks," I said, running my hand through my hair, which I'd decided not to tie back that day. "Is there anything in particular you'd like me to cover? In your classes?"

"Oh, um," he said distractedly as he patted all his pockets, finally pulling his car keys out of the front left one. "You know what? Just give the kids a study period. I'll catch up tomorrow, or whenever I get back."

I didn't bother mentioning that tomorrow would be Saturday. I just nodded and watched as he gathered his belongings in a somewhat frantic manner.

"Don't worry about anything here. I've got it covered."

He gave me a very weak smile. "Thanks, Hayes."

He left and I let out a sigh, pushing the paper I obviously couldn't focus on away. I sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to find a solution to all my problems, to find that path that was obviously eluding me. When no answers came to me, I picked up my phone to text McKenzie.

**Come to my classroom during your lunch.**

It took a while for her to text back, which made sense since she was currently in class.

**You know that's not a good idea.**

**Mr. White left for the day. The room will be empty.**

It wasn't lost on me that I needed a convincing argument to get my girlfriend to come have lunch with me. Everything felt wrong, like it was slipping through my fingers and all I could do was grasp at the remaining pieces of what I thought we had together.

**Please, Kenzie. I need to see you.**

Apparently I wasn't above begging.

**All right.**

Students started filing into the classroom, so I tossed my phone into my desk drawer and prepared to try and make it through two more periods before I saw McKenzie.



When she walked into my classroom a few hours later I was ready for her. I waited until she was all the way in, closed the door behind her, and then turned the lock. Her eyes flitted down, watching my fingers essentially block everyone else out of the room, out of our lives, even if it was just for a few moments.

She didn't have anything with her besides her messenger bag, no lunch, which made me think she hadn't come to enjoy a meal with me. Instead she'd come with armor, her shield so firmly in place, even if it was invisible.

"How are you?" I asked, trying to open some sort of communication between us. It wasn't the real question I wanted to ask her. I wanted to know why she was pulling away, what I could do to keep her close, if she really loved me the way she'd said she did just a week ago, but I know those questions would only make her shield go up even farther, put more of a wall between us.

I watched her face as she battled to answer the question. Her eyes were welling and I let a string of curse words run rampant in my mind. I was so fucking tired of watching her cry. She quickly wiped a tear away and said, "I've been better."

"Yeah," I said on a breath. "Me too."

"Why did you ask me to come here, Hayes? You know if someone sees me in here, you could get in a lot of trouble."

"I just wanted to talk to you. You've been avoiding me. At least here we can talk in private."         

     



 

She didn't say anything in reply. Just wiped away another tear.

"Why are you crying?" I asked softly.

"This hurts, Hayes." Her words were accusatory, like I was trying to hurt her on purpose.

"Tell me what I can do to make it hurt less?" I took a step toward her, feeling so much relief when she didn't move farther away.

She just shook her head, looking at me, begging me with her eyes to make the pain go away. Fuck it. I walked to her, took her hand, and pulled her to the one corner of the room hidden from the window. She came willingly, let me lead her. I grabbed the rolling chair from my desk, sat in the corner, then pulled her onto my lap, her legs straddling mine. I pulled her into me, letting her face rest against my chest, and wrapped my arms around her, trying to comfort her.

Minutes passed, just her sitting on my lap, crying. I didn't know what else to do, so I just held her. Eventually, she spoke.

"I'm so confused, Hayes. The whole time I was with Cory I knew what we had wasn't right. I knew he wasn't it for me, but I hoped, because I loved him, I was wrong." She lifted her head to look me in the eye, her face wet from tears. "But now, with you, it's right, I know it is. You're it. There will never be anyone else who makes the world as colorful as you, who makes me smile as much as you, who loves me like you do. But it's all still so wrong. So, tell me how I'm supposed to ignore the part of my brain that screams at me every day, that reminds me of who we're hurting and who we're lying to, and just be."

My hands cradled her face, eyes darting between hers, trying to find the right words, the words that would keep her with me.

"I know this, us, isn't ideal. Trust me, I want to shout to the world and tell everyone how much I love you, how long I've waited for you to even look at me with the tiniest spark of interest." My thumbs rub just under her eyes, catching the tears that just keep falling. "And I know the odds are stacked against us, Kenz. I do. But none of that outweighs my need to be with you. None of the consequences are worth living without the hope of us. Does that make sense?"

She stared at me, eyes vacant, and all I could see was worry and hurt. Fuck.

"Okay, let's try something different. You tell me what you're worried about, and I'll explain why it doesn't fucking matter."

Underneath the sadness I swear I saw just the hint of a smile, and it was just as though someone had lit a fucking fuse inside me, hope sizzling through my limbs. She was still in there, my McKenzie, and I could still keep her. I just had to show her there was nothing that could come between us.

"What if your mom finds out?" I knew this was her biggest concern, and frankly, it was mine too. My mother wasn't exactly stable.

"Listen, I'll agree that if my mom were to find out about us, oh, tomorrow, it would probably be a shock to her, and might upset her, but eventually she will come around. She's dealing with a lot right now. You can't make yourself unhappy to save my mother. She needs to deal with her own emotions."