Without You(52)

"By the time I found out what had happened, I rushed to the hospital. I  still didn't know your mother was pregnant. For all of about two  minutes, I was happy as hell because she was okay. Then, she told me she  lost the baby, and I was living in hell. I hadn't been there for her,  and to this day, I've never really forgiven myself for the pain and hurt  I caused her."

Jeff turned and looked at me. "You didn't cause Alex's pain, but I see  on your face how you blame yourself. Will, you couldn't have helped her  any faster than you did."

I nodded my head and wiped away a tear.

"Ari slowly began pulling away from me … from everyone. I let it happen  because I didn't know what else to do. I figured she needed time … maybe  she needed to hate me for a bit … to blame me. I just didn't know. Boys,  Alex is going to pull away. I know how the three of you fiercely look  after each of these girls. You'll have to give Alex space though, but  don't let her push any of you away."         

     


///
 

"Dad, how do we know if we are pushing her or not?" Luke asked.

Jeff shook his head. "Son, I don't know how to answer that."

Colt kicked a rock. "How did you and Ari come back together?"

Jeff smiled as he looked at Gunner and then my father. "One day, I just  decided I wanted my girl back. I was tired of just sitting back, so I  didn't let her push anymore, and she pushed like hell for me to leave  her alone, but I stood my ground." He smiled and looked at Luke. "Your  mother and I firmly believe that on the day she came back to me, we made  another life."

Luke smiled as his face blushed.

"You see, boys, I know y'all look at us and think you want the perfect  relationship that you see with your own parents. I've overheard y'all  talking about it. Just know that some beautiful sunsets have had  rainstorms that came before it, but the rain only makes the sunset that  more beautiful."

"Dad?" Colt asked.

"Yes, son?" Gunner said.

"My heart hurts so bad for Alex." Colt was beginning to get choked up.

I had to fight to hold back my tears. I was pretty sure Luke was feeling  the same, but there was no way I was going to look at him.

"I know, son, I know. As do all of our hearts. Just watch over her this  summer, boys. Show her how much you love and care about her. Just be  there for her if she needs you. And know that none of you could have  protected her from this. Don't let guilt play a hand in this, boys. You  can't be with the girls twenty-four/seven."

Each of us nodded. My father walked up to me, pulled me into his arms,  and held me. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I let go of the anger,  fear, and guilt that had been building the last couple of days.

"I love her, Dad. I love her so much," I cried out.

He held me tighter. "I know you do, Will."

"Oh God, Dad … why? Why did this happen to her? Why?" I no longer cared  what Luke or Colt might think. I cried out as my father held me.

The next thing I knew, Gunner had his arms around me. I wasn't sure how  long the three of us stood there, but I finally regained some composure.  When I pulled away, I saw both my father and Gunner wiping their tears  away.

I knew what I had to do, and I needed to do it right now. "Gunner, sir, may I speak with you alone?"

Gunner looked at me, surprised, but he nodded his head. I looked back at  Luke and Colt, and they both smiled. Luke and Libby had both asked me  why I said I was Lex's fiancé. I'd told them that Lex and I were  secretly engaged. Then, I'd told Colt, Lauren, Meagan, Grace, and  Taylor. I was sure Colt and Luke knew what I was about to do now.

Gunner walked a ways away and leaned up against a fence. He looked at me  as I gathered up the courage to ask him the one thing I'd been dreaming  of asking for a few years now.

I cleared my throat, took a deep breath, and looked Gunner in the eyes.  "I'd like to ask Lex to marry me, sir. It wouldn't be anytime soon. I  know she has a lot to deal with, but I want nothing more than to make  her my wife. I'd like your blessing, sir."

Gunner didn't do anything at first. I silently prayed to God that my  life wouldn't end here, in the east pasture, at the hands of Gunner  Mathews. I held my gaze and didn't back down. I loved Lex, and I wasn't  going to walk away from her-not now, not ever.

Gunner slowly let a smile move across his face. Finally, his full  crooked smile appeared, and he let out a small chuckle. "William Gregory  Hayes, do you have any idea that you just proved what type of man you  are?"

My mouth dropped open. Anytime my parents used my full name, my ass  would be in trouble, so I wasn't sure how to read this situation.

"Um … no, sir, I guess I don't. Truth be told, your smile used along with my full name has me all kinds of confused."

Gunner threw his head back and laughed. When he looked back at me, he  shook his head. "Will, after what happened to Alex, not very many guys  would stick around-let alone, ask her father for her hand in marriage.  I'm proud of you, Will. I'm proud that you never once backed down when I  pushed you and Alex for a break, that you never gave up on the one  thing you loved. It shows the man you've become. Your daddy and mama  have done a fine job in raising you, Will."

Gunner smiled as he reached his hand out for mine and shook it. "Will,  I'd be honored to have you ask Alex to marry you, and I'd be even more  honored to call you my son-in-law-after y'all graduate from college and  Alex starts her career, and not a second before then."         

     


///
 

I smiled, and the sense of relief washing over my body was unreal.

"When are you planning on asking her?" Gunner's face became a bit more serious.

"I wanted to ask her this summer, but I know she has so much going  through her head right now. Even though we've talked about it, I think  it is best if I wait for a bit."

Gunner nodded his head. "I agree. Thank you for taking her feelings into account, Will."

"Always, sir. I love Lex more than anything. I'll spend every day of my life loving her and protecting her the best I can, sir."

Gunner pushed off the fence, grabbed me, and pulled me in for a hug.  "Jesus, it was just yesterday when you were riding on top of my  shoulders, telling me you wanted to be a rancher."

He slapped my back hard-probably harder than he needed to-before he  pushed back and winked at me. "Now, was that so hard, Will?" He turned  and walked toward Jeff and my father.

I stood there, stunned. "I'll never understand that man-ever," I whispered.

I walked up to Luke and Colt, who both held out their hands to shake  mine. I felt happy for a few minutes until we all began working on  repairing the fence.

My mind kept going back to Lex and how sad she had sounded while walking toward the barn.

I just need some time alone.

I closed my eyes. God, please don't let her slip away from me. Please.





My phone buzzed in my back pocket, and I pulled it out. My heart skipped a beat when I saw it was a text from Will.

Will: Hey, sweetheart. Would you like to go to dinner and a movie tonight?

Yesterday, I had gone to talk with Janet about my fear of giving myself  to Will. I felt dirty, thinking what I shared with Will had been  tarnished, and I was so afraid Will would look at me differently now.

It had been three weeks since I came home from the hospital. I'd managed  to keep myself surrounded with a lot of people, or I'd spend time alone  with Banjo. Will and I had been alone only twice. Both times, I'd  panicked for some reason. I wasn't sure why. When I'd asked Janet, she'd  helped me to understand my thoughts. I was so afraid of what Will  thought of me now that I kept pushing our relationship aside. She told  me how important it was for me to talk to Will about my feelings. I just  couldn't. Not yet.

Will had been so patient, but last night, he'd told me he was ready to  have some alone time to reconnect. It hurt my heart so much to know I  was hurting him. I closed my eyes and decided I was ready to be with  Will again. I needed him even though I was just so afraid.

Me: How about a picnic at the clubhouse with just you and me?

Will: I'd love that, Lex. I'll take care of everything. Pick you up at seven?

Me: Perfect. Will, I love you.

Will: I love you more, Lex.

I smiled as I tucked my phone away.

"That smile must mean you were talking to my brother?" Libby raised her eyebrows and smiled at me.

"Yep. He wanted to go to dinner and a movie, but I mentioned a picnic at the clubhouse with just us."

Libby's smile faded one second before she smiled again. "That sounds amazing, Alex. Y'all deserve some time together."

Grace walked back into her room and sat down on the bed.

"What's wrong, Grace? You look like someone just shot your horse," Libby said with a giggle.

Grace let out a gasp. "Bite your tongue, bitch. How could you say such a thing?"

I laughed as I went back to flipping through a book I had picked up from the library.