Wherever You Will Go(12)

We sit in this position long enough that eventually Saxon leans back into the couch and takes me with him. My head is resting on his chest while he continues to hold me with what feels like his lips on top of my head.

My crying starts to slow as his hold loosens. I try to explain through the last of the tears. “I’m sorry, it was stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“What do you mean, Brooke?” he asks, pulling back to look at me.

“Thinking it could somehow be Nate coming home. How ridiculous,” I sob.

“Fuck. I’m so fucking sorry, Brooke. I know you haven’t been answering the phone or door so I thought I’d just come in. I didn’t even think.”

“Stop, Sax, it’s not your fault. Why would you think I’d assume it was my dead husband?” The last part comes out as another sob.

“Oh, baby girl.” Saxon tightens his hold again as tears wet my head. His voice is rough, and I know he’s trying to keep control of his emotions. “I’m so sorry, Brooke. If I knew things were this bad I would’ve come sooner.”

“Things aren’t that bad. For some reason, seeing you brings the pain right to the surface. I haven’t broken down like this in front of anybody else, yet I’ve done it twice with you now.”

His face falls, and I’m not sure if its hurt or guilt I see flit across it.

“No, Sax. I didn’t mean it like that. I think you being the closest person to Nate other than me, I know you feel his loss as much as I do, and you know what I’m going through. I feel like I can let you see my pain and be totally open with you, and know you will understand. I feel like you’re the only one who can truly get what I’m going through and that comforts me, makes me feel safe with you. Connected to you.” I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe we are even discussing it. He’s gotten more out of me in thirty minutes than anyone has in three months.

“That’s exactly why I should’ve come sooner. I should’ve known you needed me. I was a coward and told myself you had your parents and Rachel and I was helping by looking after Argo.”

The guilt is seeping out of him, sitting over us like a dark thundercloud. “Saxon, I appreciate you coming, but what can you really do? Can you bring Nate back? Unless you can, there’s not a lot you can achieve. There’s not a lot anyone else hasn’t already tried.”

He sighs. “Come on, baby girl. Go have a shower, get changed, and let’s go have a coffee. You need to get out of this house for a while.”

“No, Sax, really I’m fine. I’m fine here.”

“Brooke.” His voice is stern. “You are so far from fine. I can’t leave you like this, so either you go have a shower or I’m going to carry you up there and shower you myself,” he says with a poker-faced expression.

“Saxon,” I say, returning the warning tone. “I’m fine, I don’t want to shower, and I don’t want to go and ‘have a coffee’.”

“Come on, Brooke, you’ll feel better after a shower, and we can talk some,” he says softly, trying to placate me.

“Talking isn’t going to bring him back. Talking isn’t going to help me.”

“Well, it’ll help me. Will you come and talk for me?” he requests softly.

How can I tell him no? I just admitted he is a source of comfort by him going through what I was, and now he is asking me to comfort him. Fuckity fuck, fuck!

I look over at Saxon, and his eyes are begging and pleading. God, no wonder women drop their panties for him at a snap of his fingers. And here I thought I was immune.

Releasing a deep breath, I slowly stand from the couch and walk towards the bathroom. Why do I feel like I have been played?





I watch her stand to go take a shower and my shoulders relax.

Shit. I thought it was going to take a lot more than that to get her out of this house. Didn’t think my usual charm and persuasion would work on Brooke. Trust me, I’ve tried it plenty over the years.

Nate being the family I never had, we did everything together. He was my brother; the only person on this earth who knew all my secrets, all my troubles, my strengths and my weaknesses. The only person who knew me better than I knew myself. So, of course when Nate met Brooke, she did everything with us, too.

Watching her go in the opposite direction of her en-suite I call out to her, “Ummm not the way to the shower, Brooke.”

Her step falters but she doesn’t turn or even glance my way when she says, “I’m using this bathroom at the moment.”

I don’t answer her, and she continues to the bathroom without waiting for a response. That was weird.