Wanting What She Can't Have(11)

"It would be no different if she called me Raoul. She only mimics what she hears you say," he said repressively.

Provoked, Alexis returned with, "I prefer to think she knows you are  her dad. I think she deserves that, don't you? Or would you rather she  grow up calling you Raoul? As if you were some stranger who just  happened to live alongside her?"

He waited until Ruby was closer to Alexis before extricating his  fingers from the baby's clutches. Beaming a toothy smile, Ruby continued  to take steps unaided. Alexis opened her arms and Ruby walked straight  into them.

"Look at you, you clever girl!" she laughed as she hugged the child and  smothered her neck with kisses, eliciting yet more baby giggles. "I'm  seriously going to have to keep my eye on you now, aren't I?"

She looked up and caught the expression in Raoul's eye. Was that  longing she saw there? Did he wish he could express the same spontaneous  love for his daughter that she did? Alexis gave Ruby another cuddle  before setting her loose. Bit by bit she felt as if she was beginning to  break through the shell he'd built around himself when it came to Ruby.  The thought brought her to an idea that she wanted to suggest to Raoul.

Drawing on a liberal dose of courage, and buoyed by the fact that he'd  stayed in the room rather than withdrawing again quickly as he was in  the habit of doing, she launched into speech.

"Raoul, I've been thinking. Catherine is due home this weekend and I  thought since it also ties in with Bree's birthday, the first time  dealing with that date for both of you since she's gone, that it might  be nice to have a bit of a get-together here-you know, invite a few of  your friends, make it a potluck dinner kind of thing. I think it would  be nice-partly to celebrate Catherine's recovery to date and partly to  remember Bree."                       
       
           



       

"I don't need a gathering to remember her. It's not a good idea."

"I was afraid you'd say that," she said, dragging in another deep  breath and refusing to be cowed by his rejection, "which is why I kind  of went ahead and organized it anyway. Catherine was really eager to  participate and she's just aching to see Ruby again, and Laura and Matt  and the others were equally keen."

"You had no right to do that," Raoul said, a sharp edge to his voice that all but sliced through the air between them.

"Look, I know you're still struggling to get back to normal-"

"Normal? Normal died along with Bree. I don't think you quite understand just what that has meant to me."

His voice was quiet, yet filled with emotion and anger. Sensing the  change in mood in the room, Ruby crawled onto Alexis's lap, turned her  face into her chest and uttered a whine of protest.

"Which is exactly why we should honor her memory and have a  get-together in remembrance of her. Catherine needs it, your friends  need it. I truly believe you need it, too, and you'd agree with me if  you could just let yourself believe that you don't have to face all your  grief alone."

His hazel eyes narrowed as he stared down at her. The air between them  thickened, filled with his unspoken words and met by her equally silent  but no less adamant challenge.

"Fine," he uttered through clenched teeth. "But don't expect me to be involved."

"Just be there, it's all I ask."

"Sometimes, Alexis Fabrini, you ask too damn much."

He left the room, taking her heart with him. It was hard to feel a  sense of victory when she knew how much this was hurting him.

"Dad-dad?" Ruby said, lifting her face away from Alexis and looking around the room.

"He's gone off again, poppet. But he'll be back. Bit by bit, he'll be back."

At least she sure hoped so.

* * *

Raoul looked around the gathering in his house. This was exactly the  kind of thing Bree would have loved to have organized for her birthday.  All their closest friends, her mother, some of his cousins who lived  locally, Alexis...people he knew and should feel comfortable with. And  yet, he felt like an outsider. A stranger in his own house. Sure, he  went through the motions-made sure everyone had a drink, asked some  opinions on his latest blend-but he felt as if he didn't belong. As if  he was a mere onlooker, not a participant.

Conversations swirled around him, things he would normally have been a  part of but as he overheard snippets from here and there he became  increasingly aware of how life had continued for all of them. It seemed  wrong to resent them for it, but he did-fiercely. The uninterrupted way  their lives had moved on after Bree only made his empty world so much  more hollow-the void in his heart echo that much more.

He looked to Catherine to see how she was coping. This had to be hard  for her, too, but she appeared to be taking it all in her stride-not  afraid to shed a tear or two over a shared memory or a hearty laugh at  some reminiscence, and eager to hear everyone's news after her monthlong  absence from the playgroup. She looked up and caught his gaze and he  could see the concern reflected in her eyes-eyes that were very like  Ruby's and reminded him so much of Bree.

And there it was again-the pain, the loss, the anger at having all that  perfection torn away from him. Having choice removed from his hands.  Losing Bree from his life, forever. Catherine pushed herself to her feet  and, adeptly using one crutch, crossed the short distance between them.  She laid one hand on his shoulder.

"She'd have loved this, wouldn't she? Alexis has done a great job."

"Everyone contributed," he said abruptly.

"But Alexis brought us all together. We needed that. It's been long  overdue. I know I'm always going to miss her, it would be impossible not  to, but I feel better today, y'know?"

He nodded because it seemed to be the response she expected, but inside  he was screaming. No, he didn't know what the hell she was talking  about. This was all too hard. He couldn't find it in him to allow  himself to enjoy the company of everyone here today. He needed space,  silence, solitude. The moment Catherine's attention was taken by one of  the guests he slipped out the room and toward the front door. Once he  had it open he walked through the entrance and kept going into the  night-down the unsealed lane that led to the winery, past the winery and  on down the hill until he could go no farther unless he wanted to swim  the inky dark waters of the harbor.                       
       
           



       

He waited until the moon was high in the sky before he clambered back  up the hill. The cold air had filtered through his clothing, his  long-sleeved cotton shirt-fine in the centrally heated interior of the  house-was totally unsuited to the outdoors. Initially he'd barely  noticed it. Now, however, he was frozen through and through.

The outside lights were still on at the house when he got back but, he  noted with relief, the large parking bay outside was devoid of cars. He  slipped back inside and decided to go directly to his room. He had no  wish to see Alexis and face her silent or, more likely, not-so-silent  recriminations for ditching the party this evening. He just wanted to be  alone. Couldn't anyone understand that?

"Raoul? Is that you?"

Alexis, dish towel still in hand, stepped out of the kitchen and into  the hallway. He halted in his tracks-frozen like a possum in the  headlights of an oncoming vehicle. She was the last person he wanted to  face right now.

"Are you okay?"

He gave a bitter laugh. "Okay? No, Alexis, I'm not okay."

He turned to head to his room but heard her rapid footfall on the  carpeted floor behind him. She put out a hand to arrest his progress.

"I'm sorry, Raoul. Maybe organizing today wasn't such a good idea," she said as she drew nearer.

He wheeled around. "You think?"

He could see his response stung her but he wasn't into mouthing  platitudes so others could just blithely go on doing what they did  without consideration for how it made anyone else feel.

"I told you that you asked too much," he growled.

"I know-now, at least. And I am sorry, Raoul. Everyone understood,  though, especially today with it being Bree's birthday. It was bound to  be hard. Even for me. Look, I know how you feel-"

"Do you?" he said incredulously. "Do you really? I don't think so. I  don't think that for a minute you could ever understand how I feel so  don't presume to try."

"You weren't the only one who lost her," she said, her voice small.

"She was my wife!" His voice shook, with fury and with something more  that rolled and swirled inside him-filling his mind with a black  emptiness that threatened to consume him. "She was my world," he  whispered fiercely before striding the short distance to his room where  he slammed the door solidly behind him, uncaring as to whether or not he  disturbed Ruby.