Ugly(109)

As I walk back toward my room, I notice Shayne and Liam have gone to bed. Smiling to myself, I declare tonight’s gone fairly well. I may have had a panic attack, but I managed to pull myself together and have a lovely dinner, with the most important people in my life.

I take my pajamas into the bathroom, strip, brush my teeth and get changed for bed. When I get in my room, I turn my alarm on extra early so I can have a shower, and turn the light off, crawling into bed.

There’s a smile tugging at my lips.

And when I close my eyes, I’m instantly dragged into the world of a young Lily, and a little blond-haired boy named Wade.

I love having this dream. It reminds me how one day, I’ll be as joyful as I am in my dreams. And right now, I know I’m on my way to a happy life.





It’s the day before Christmas, and also my very first psychologist appointment with Katherine. I’m not sure what to expect of her, or even what will happen in just the hour and a half I’ve scheduled.

I’ve finished work for the next two days and I’m on my way to her office. It’s downtown, about a half hour from home. I don’t mind the cab ride, because it gives me time to just think about the last few days.

We had our Christmas party for work, and when Peter handed out all the envelopes with the employees’ bonuses, he gave me one too. I wasn’t expecting it, so I slid it into my bag with full intentions of returning it to him while we were alone. I didn’t for one minute want to appear ungrateful, so through lunch, while everyone was merrily talking, I was trying to formulate my answer.

When lunch was finished and we all slowly walked back to work, I went ahead, and put the envelope on Peter’s desk. Moments later he came in, went into his office and called me in.

“Yes, Peter?” I asked as I stood at his door.

“What’s this?”

“That’s my Christmas bonus. You and Dale have done more than enough for me, including financing the car. I can’t accept anything else.”

“Hmmm,” he said as he sat as his chair.

I felt a victory, because he wasn’t going to debate it with me, or pull rank and tell me I had to take it. “Is there anything else you need?”

“Me? No.” He shook his head. “But you can take this envelope and drop it off at the local church.” He pushed my envelope toward me on his desk. My shoulders sunk, and I started to consider what it is he was actually offering. “Someone will appreciate it there, if not, oh well.” He lifted his shoulders as if to say ‘too bad.’

“Wait.” I felt myself begin to question my decision.

“Yes?” He looked up at me, with not one ounce of judgement.

“Can I take it back?”

“You can do as you please with it.”

I walked over and picked up the envelope. “I’m sure the local women’s shelter will need it over Christmas.”

“The choice is yours and yours alone. No one else can make that decision for you, Lily. What’s in this envelope is for you to do with as you choose. If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to donate it, that’s your choice.” He pointed to the envelope and smiled.

I stood for a moment trying to wrap my head around this gift. “If I take this…”

“Then you’re declaring yourself worthy,” he said. The words tear at me. And they’ve been playing on my mind since that day.

I look down at my bag, and slide the envelope out, looking at it and deciding what I’m going to do with it. I haven’t opened it. I don’t need to know what’s inside, because it’s been made abundantly clear to me that Peter and Dale are beyond generous.

The cab pulls up in front of a store, next to which is a flight of stairs, leading up to some offices. Katherine Scott’s name is on one of the wall plaques, and I buzz the practice.

“Hello,” answers a lady in a croaky voice.

“Um, I have an appointment with Katherine…er…I mean Doctor Katherine…er…”

“Come up, dear.” She buzzes the door and I go up to find her office. When I find it, I push the door open and I’m greeted with an older lady, maybe in her sixties, sitting behind the reception desk. “You must be Lily Anderson. Katherine won’t be long. Could you fill these forms in, so Katherine has a better understanding of you?”

She gives me a clipboard with a few sheets of paper. Some questions are generic and some are more personal. Before I get to finish, a lady comes and stands in front of me. “Lily?” she asks.

I look up to see an older woman with wild, brown hair, dressed in ‘new age’ clothing, smiling down at me. “Um, yes.” I stand and she has me follow her into her office.