Thoughtful(189)

For the first time ever, I was actually really excited about my future. It was a strange but welcome feeling. It was certainly a lot better than endless despair. “After high school, I hitchhiked down the Oregon coast. That’s actually how I met Evan. Anyway, we should go, you would love it. There are these caves you can walk through, with all these crazy-shaped stalagmites, stalactites, whatever you call ’em. And sea lions are everywhere along the beach. You can talk to them, and they’ll talk back. They’re cool, in a loud, obnoxious sort of way. Kind of like Griffin.” I laughed, but Kiera didn’t laugh with me. She was staring straight ahead while we walked to my car. I wondered if she’d noticed that Denny’s car was gone. Probably.

“Anyway, we could keep going if you wanted. Down to L.A.? I could show you where I met the rest of the guys. Well…I won’t show you where I met Matt and Griffin…but I can show you where our first gig was. And the place I stayed while I was there, where I bought the Chevelle. You know, the important places.” I laughed again, but still Kiera remained silent.

Fear began racing up my spine and wrapping its icy tentacles around my heart. She wasn’t listening to me at all…she was a million miles away. And she was with Denny. I knew it. Her eyes were shining more than they should be, and I knew her forming tears weren’t for me. She was replaying their entire relationship. She was changing her mind.

When she suddenly stopped walking and yanked her hand away from me, I knew I was right. She was changing her mind. She was going to choose him after all. I felt like I should be surprised, but I wasn’t. Something in the back of my mind was shouting at me that I’d been living in a fantasy. She was never going to be mine.

I turned to face her, and I knew…this would be the last time we talked. This was it. This was goodbye.

Kiera turned her eyes from me, but I saw the guilt. She was letting me go. Words seemed unnecessary, but I asked her anyway. “I did lose you…didn’t I?”

She seemed surprised that I’d figured it out when she peeked up at me. She shouldn’t be. It was written all over her face. “Kellan, I…I can’t do this…not yet. I can’t leave him. I need more time…”

“Time?” I was so sick of that word. “Kiera…nothing is going to change here. What good is time to you?” Angry, I pointed toward home, where more pain awaited us all if something didn’t change. “Now that he knows you lied, time will only hurt him more.” It will hurt me more.

“Kellan, I’m so sorry…please don’t hate me.” Her eyes were filled with tears now. Mine too. I’d almost had it all. Or maybe I’d never even been close.

Frustrated, I tangled my hands in my hair. I wanted to yank the long strands out by the roots. I needed this roller coaster to stop. I needed life to calm down, level out. I needed to feel safe again. “No, Kiera…no.”

Her eyes widened with fear and her voice trembled when she spoke. “What do you mean? No, you don’t hate me or no…you do?”

She looked so scared. I hated seeing that look on her face, but she was going to have to let one of us go. She was going to have to let me go. Bringing a hand up to her face in comfort, I softly told her, “No, I can’t give you any more time. I can’t do this. It’s killing me…”

Kiera shook her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. “Please, Kellan, don’t make me—”

“Ugh…Kiera.” Grabbing her other cheek, I held her face tight in my hands and stared her down. This isn’t as hard as you’re making it. Stop thinking, and listen to your heart. Be brave…cut the rope…and let one of us fall. “Choose right now. Don’t even think, just choose. Me…or him? Me or him, Kiera?”

Eyes locked on mine, she whispered, “Him.”

In the back of my head, I heard a heavy iron cell door slamming closed, and I knew my heart was forever locked inside it. I’d never open up again. I’d never love again. I would never risk this pain again. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, crushing me. I couldn’t breathe, stars danced in my vision, and I thought I heard my father laughing in the distance. She chose him…

A hot tear splashed on my cheek, and I knew it was only the beginning. There would be many tears tonight. “Oh,” I muttered. Was the light getting dimmer? Was I about to pass out? I would almost welcome that. I wanted to pass out and never wake up.

Releasing her face, I willed darkness to overwhelm me. My chest was being cracked open, my brain was being liquefied. Please…someone take me away from this torture.