Thoughtful(192)

“Only twice…”

Kiera snapped her eyes to mine, and I saw a question in the hazel depths. We’ve been together more than twice. Why did you tell him that? Because he asked how many times we fucked. And once we told each other we loved each other, what we’d done was so much more than fucking. I never wanted to fuck again. Kiera’s lips lifted into a ghost of a smile, and I knew she understood.

Returning my eyes to Denny, I told him what was in my heart. “But I wanted her…every day.” There’s no point in holding back now. He should know everything I feel for her, everything she means to me.

Denny’s cheeks reddened, just like my dad’s used to when he got really angry. I knew what he was going to do before he even moved to do it. Cocking his arm back, he twisted his body and threw his weight into a hit that landed on my jaw. Denny was strong, and the blow knocked me back a step. My jaw throbbed, my head started to pound, and I tasted blood in my mouth. Good. I deserved this.

When my vision stabilized, I straightened and faced him. I could feel warmth dribbling down my cheek as I spoke. “I won’t fight you, Denny. I’m so sorry, but we never wanted to hurt you. We fought against…We tried so hard to resist this…pull…we feel toward each other.” I hated the words coming out of my mouth. I hated the look on Denny’s face. I never wanted it to happen like this.

Denny clenched his fists. “You tried? You tried to not fuck her?” he yelled. He hit me again, on the cheek this time. My ears started ringing, but I still clearly heard him when he screamed, “I gave up everything for her!”

He pummeled me again and again. I let him. I did nothing to block his blows, did nothing to protect my body. After each hit, I faced him again, giving him another perfect target for his rage. I deserved every strike. I deserved the full force of his anger. And…if Denny was kicking my ass, then he was leaving Kiera alone. Better me than her.

“You promised me you wouldn’t touch her!”

He was right, I had. And I had shattered that promise like I had so many others before it. I’d wanted her, so I’d taken her. I was no friend to him, to anyone. And the really sad part was, it was all for nothing. She chose him. “I’m sorry, Denny,” I whispered, but I doubt he heard me. And what good was an apology from me anyway? It was a tiny patch on a gaping wound. Worthless.

I felt my strength fading, my vision dulling. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take Denny’s rage. But what did it matter anymore? What did anything matter anymore? I’d lost the only thing I’d ever wanted. I’d tasted love, then had it snatched away from me. I couldn’t go on living my empty, meaningless life. If I was destined to be alone, then it might as well end right here. I fell to my knees while Denny shouted, “I trusted you!” His knee connected with my chin, knocking me to my back.

Everything went black, and for a second, I thought I’d passed out. But I couldn’t be unconscious, because everything hurt—my head, my body, my heart. All of me was throbbing. Just kill me and get it over with.

Heavy blows from Denny’s boots met my exposed abdomen. I left my body open to him. Made it as easy as possible for him to hurt me. Every hit sent shock waves of pain throughout my body, but I welcomed it. I deserve this. I deserve worse than this.

A solid strike to my arm resulted in a sickening snap as Denny broke the bone, and acidlike pain radiated up my forearm and across my chest. Unable to contain the agony, I cried out and held my arm close to my body. Denny didn’t notice what he’d done. He only screamed, “You said you were my brother!”

Underneath the flood of pain, I felt nausea rising. Now, every kick Denny gave me jolted my arm, reigniting the painful break. I deserve this. I deserve more than this. Just finish me. I felt a rib break, maybe two, I had no idea. All I knew was pain. I really wasn’t going to survive this. Good. I didn’t want to go on without her. I wanted the pain to end.

Spitting out blood, I muttered, “I won’t fight you…I won’t hurt you…I’m sorry, Denny…” I deserve your rage. My life is yours…take it. In my daze of pain, I started repeating my words like a chant. Denny beat me the entire time I whimpered them. “I’m sorry…I won’t fight you…I’m sorry…I won’t hurt you.”

“You fucking piece of shit! You fucking pathetic, fucking selfish bastard! Your word is worthless! You are worthless!”

I turned my head away from him then. I know. I know I’m worthless. That’s why I’m not fighting you. I deserve this. “I’m sorry, Denny.” Don’t feel bad when this is over. You did the right thing.