Thoughtful(178)

You should tell him, Jenny’s voice whispered to me in the gray gloom of my room. But tell him what? That his relationship was over, or that I had been a small speed bump on his path to happiness? How could I confess my sins to him if I didn’t know what the future held? And if Kiera’s future didn’t hold me, then why tell him at all? Regardless, I needed answers, and Kiera was the only one who had them. Knowing I was about to lose her, because there was no way in hell she would ever pick me over Denny, I got dressed and made my way downstairs.

I made some coffee and watched it fill the pot. Dread filled me just as steadily as the black liquid creeping up the carafe. This was it, the all-or-nothing moment. It felt like hours later when Kiera appeared. She removed a mug full of coffee from my hand; I didn’t even remember pouring one. Wishing I could be the sort of person who was fine with being a backseat lover, I looked over at her. Still in her pajamas, she looked much the same as she had when she’d left my room. Was that the last time she’d ever be in my room?

Wrapping my arms around her waist, I gave her a light kiss and pulled her in for a hug. I don’t want to say this. I don’t want you to go. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” I began. She tensed in my arms while she waited for my statement. “Last night can’t happen again, Kiera.”

She pulled back to look at me, and I saw the fear and confusion on her face. I hated seeing her pain, and I knew I’d be seeing a lot more of it before we were done. “I love you, and you understand what that phrase means to me. I don’t say it…to anyone…ever.”

Gently removing her arms from around my neck, I intertwined our fingers. “There was a time when I would have been fine with this. I would have taken any part of you that you wanted to give to me and found a way to deal with the rest…” I ran our laced fingers over her cheek. She relaxed, but she still looked scared. “I want to be the kind of man you deserve to have.” She started to speak, but I stopped her with our fingers over her lips. “I want to be honorable—”

She pulled our fingers away. “You are. You are a good man, Kellan.”

“I want to be the better man, Kiera…and I’m not.” With a sigh, I looked up at the ceiling, where Denny was sleeping away, oblivious to the turmoil beneath him. He deserved a much better friend than me. Returning my eyes to Kiera, I said, “Last night wasn’t the honorable thing to do, Kiera…not under Denny’s nose like that.”

Her jaw clenched and her eyes watered. I realized my poor choice of words instantly. “No…I didn’t mean, you’re not…I wasn’t trying to insult you, Kiera.” I held her close. Why couldn’t the words ever come out the way I wanted them to? I should have written this to her in a song, that would have been easier.

“Then what are you trying to say, Kellan?”

She sniffled and I knew she was crying. I was so bad at this…and it was only going to get worse. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath…and took the plunge. “I want you to leave him…and stay with me.” Scared out of my mind, I slowly reopened my eyes. Okay, Kiera…rip my heart out. I’m ready.

She only stared at me in disbelief though. Maybe she never thought I’d ask her to choose. She had to know this couldn’t go on forever. Feeling courageous, since she hadn’t outright dismissed me, I told her, “I’m sorry. I was going to be stoic, and say nothing for as long as you wanted me, but then we made love…and I’ve, I’ve never had that…and I just can’t go back to being who I was before. I want you and only you and I can’t bear the thought of sharing you. I’m sorry.”

I knew I was ranting, but now that I’d opened my heart, I couldn’t stop. I looked down. “I want to be with you the right way—in the open. I want to walk into Pete’s with you on my arm. I want to kiss you every time I see you, no matter who’s looking. I want to make love to you without fear of someone finding out. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I don’t want to feel guilty about something that makes me feel so…whole. I’m sorry, Kiera, but I’m asking you to choose.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at me in shock. Was it really so surprising that I wanted to be her one and only? She was my only…

I watched her face as she wrestled with opposing desires. Finally, she whispered, “You’re asking me to destroy him, Kellan.”

Grief overwhelmed me and I closed my eyes. “I know.” Why did it have to be Denny’s girl I fell for? Tears clouded my vision when I reopened them. “I know. I just…I can’t share you. The thought of you with him, it kills me, now more than it ever did before. I need you. All of you.”