Thoughtful(179)

Her eyes flared with panic, and her breath sped up. I understood. I knew what I was asking of her. “What if I don’t choose you, Kellan? What will you do?”

A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek as I turned away. What would I do without her? “I’ll leave, Kiera. I’ll leave, and you and Denny can have your happily ever after.” That’s how it should be anyway. I looked back at her. “You wouldn’t even need to tell him about me. Eventually, the two of you…” Anguish ripped through my throat, choking me and cracking my voice. Another tear dripped from my eye. “The two of you would get married…” no…marry me, “…and have children…” no…have my children, “…and have a great life.” How will I live without you?

Kiera swallowed with a pained noise. Could she see my agony? “And you?” she asked. “What happens to you in that scenario?”

I die a little each day we’re apart.

“I…get by. And I miss you, every day.”

Every hour, every minute…every second.

A sob escaped Kiera, and she grabbed my face and kissed me hard, like she was trying to erase my painful words. I felt completely raw, scoured from the inside out. That awful future seemed far too probable. When we broke apart, we were breathless. Tears streamed from the both of us as we rested our foreheads together. It doesn’t have to be this hard, Kiera. Choose me. I’ll give you everything…“Kiera…we could be amazing together,” I pleaded.

“I need more time, Kellan…please,” she whispered.

Time? Asking for time wasn’t saying no…not yet. I gave her a soft kiss. “Okay, Kiera. I can give you time, but not forever.” A few more days…I can give her that. I can give myself that.

We kissed again while our breaths and tears calmed. We weren’t ending today. We weren’t over yet. “I don’t want to hang around the house with him today. I’m going over to Evan’s.”

Kiera clutched me like I’d just said I was going off to war. Maybe she thought I was running away. I wasn’t. Not yet. If and when I left, she would know. “I’ll see you at Pete’s tonight. I’ll be there.” I’m not leaving today. I gave her one more kiss, then pulled away from her.

“Wait…now? You’re leaving now?” I could hear the desire in her voice for me to stay, and it tore at me, just like it always had.

Running my hands down her hair, I cupped her cheeks. “Spend the day with Denny. Think about what I said. Maybe you’ll be able to…” Decide if you really want me.

I couldn’t say it, so I gave her a final kiss instead. With a wistful smile, I turned and left the room. Everything in my body wanted to return to her, but I needed to leave now, while I could, and maybe, when I saw her again, she’d know what she wanted. Even if that wasn’t me.





Chapter 29





An Inappropriate Goodbye




I started having a panic attack in the car. My heartbeat spiked; my breath came out in sharp puffs. I felt like I was running flat-out up a steep hill. My legs even felt like they were cramping. What had I done? I’d given her an ultimatum. I’d basically begun the process of shoving her away from me. Fuck, I was an idiot. Or was I finally being smart? Hard to say. There was such a fine line between wisdom and imbecility.

I hung out with Evan until it was time to meet the guys at Pete’s. I could have avoided that and just arrived minutes before it was time to play, but I didn’t want anything to look out of the ordinary. I was the last one to arrive at the bar, the last one to enter its doors. My eyes locked onto Kiera the second I stepped inside. She mouthed Hi in such a delightful yet erotic way that my heart skipped a beat. I nodded a greeting back to her, then took a step toward her. I couldn’t hug her in this crowd, but I could companionably sling my arm around her shoulder. Right?

She shook her head when she noticed me approaching though. I wasn’t sure why, until her gaze slid over to the band’s table. I followed her line of sight and immediately understood. Denny was here. Again. Goddammit. I’d really hoped I could avoid him today. But I couldn’t. Nothing out of the ordinary, that was how I was planning on getting through this.

I gave Kiera a longing look as I let myself imagine wrapping my arms around her, then I turned toward the table. Let the charade begin.

Matt was starting to sit down beside Denny when I approached. Denny was…beaming. He looked so stinking happy, it made my heart drop. Why was he in such a good mood?

Careful to keep my expression neutral, I sat across the table from him. “Hey, Denny. You look…chipper?”