The Stillness Of You(22)

How was he going to react when I told him what happened at college? When   I told him about my insane run half naked run through the quad?

Tears burned the corners of my eyes and I rapidly blinked them away.   God, it was so wrong. Even Kendall had retreated when I spiralled into   that black pit of despair. She had no idea what was going on and as   crazy as she was, she'd taken a step back because I scared her that   much.

Matt was still bitter over Kendall. He'd said she had left when things   got rough. That she wasn't a true friend. And then he'd blamed her for   that drug and alcohol fueled weekend when everything had fallen apart.   She'd started out partying with me that Friday night but as things   heated up and turned sour, she'd left.

The thing of it was, even though what he said was kind of true, I didn't   blame Kendall. Not really. He hadn't seen me at my worst so he didn't   know just how far I had fallen.

I wasn't easy. I was dark and twisty. And I was dangerous.

Kendall disappeared for the first few months I'd been in the hospital,   calling only a few times and never visiting. There had always been an   excuse. Her new job. Some new guy she was banging. A family obligation.

And I got it. I got that what I was, and what I had done, wasn't easy   for most people to handle. Hell, it was hard for Matt and he was my   brother.

So how was Ben going to react when I dumped this on him? Did I really   want to know the answer? Wasn't it obvious? He was riding the wave of a   shooting star and I … I was just struggling to keep my head above water.

I began to shiver and for a moment everything inside sped up. My heart   raced and heat burned, scorching from the inside out. I moaned, hating   the way the pieces inside me rattled and shook and moved. It was chaotic   and scary.

It was crazy.

Sweat broke out along my forehead, leaving me cold and shaking. Shit, I   couldn't let this escalate. I closed my eyes and concentrated. I  reached  for the words, the words and melody I needed.

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same?

I focused on the song, One, by U2. Seamus had suggested this in one of   our first sessions. He told me that when things started to get chaotic   if I could manage to focus on something that calmed me, it would help.

Music helped. Music had always helped. I heard Bono's voice. I felt his   passion and I let the melody wash over me. It slid inside and got into   my head and it pushed the bad parts away.

I'm not sure how long I leaned against the window, chest heaving, skin   cold and clammy. But eventually the pieces inside me slowed, they   clicked and lined up. My chest relaxed and I was able to breathe easier.

I decided that a run would help.

In the dark and quiet I changed into my gear, grabbed a water bottle and   tip toed out of the loft. I'd ran every single morning with Ben and  his  sister, out along the back country roads near his place and this   morning, here, alone, it just wasn't the same.

Those early runs settled me in a way I couldn't replicate and even   though I ran longer than normal, the demons that knocked hard just   wouldn't quiet. They followed me every step of the way and when I got   back to the loft, I was wound tighter than when I'd left.

Matt was still asleep-not surprising, he wasn't alone-and as the   darkness fell into grey, I had a quick shower, took my meds, got dressed   and in less than five minutes was out the door.

Joe was just coming on duty and even though I wasn't in the mood to make   small talk, it was hard to avoid his kind eyes. I waved a quick hello,   and we chatted for a few minutes about nothing important-he didn't   usually work Saturdays but the weekend guy had called in sick-and then I   headed to the parking garage toward the silver BMW that had been the   last gift my parents had given me for my eighteenth birthday.

It had been delivered from storage a few days earlier because Matt was tired of lending me his wheels.

Rain was just starting to fall as I pulled into Ben's driveway. His   truck was gone and I parked in his spot, my stomach twisting as I sat   staring at the house for way too long.                       
       
           



       

He wasn't home, but then what the hell had I expected?

Guys like Ben didn't spend their Friday nights alone. Guys with money   and fame. Guys with eyes that could make any girls heart go crazy. Guys   with no ties. No girlfriend.

I was nothing. Not really. It's not as if we had any sort of defined   relationship. In fact all we had were our morning runs and a few hot and   heavy make out sessions.

I'm not sure how long I stayed in the car but it was long enough for the   windows to fog up and for the humidity to seep inside. My skin was   clammy, my stomach in knots and my mouth dry. I checked my cell phone   once more but there were no text messages. Nothing in my voicemail.

I bit my lip and cursed. Maybe he was inside. Maybe someone had borrowed his truck.

Are you that fucking stupid?

It was nearly eight by now and I was either going to leave or …

I pushed open the door and ran up the steps to Ben's front door before I   lost my nerve and with my heart in my throat I rang the doorbell and   waited.

And waited some more.

I rang it again and tried to peek through the window to the right, but   it was no use. I couldn't see inside but it was now official. He wasn't   home.

I took a step back, smoothing my light blue cotton skirt over my hips as I bit my lip in frustration. Where was he?

All sorts of things raced through my head and all of those things ended   up with Ben in bed with some bimbo. The bimbo he'd met at the airport.   The bimbo who'd yanked out her tits for him to sign. I was shaken and   hated how affected I was by the thought of him with another girl.

He wasn't mine. He didn't belong to me.

"Whatever," I muttered.

I ran down the steps and paused. Did I really want to go home and play   nice while Matt tried to get rid of whoever the hell it was who'd moaned   her way through several hours the night before?

No. God no.

I took a sharp left, following the path that led through Ben's back   yard, through the trees that surrounded it, and out to my barn. My   studio.

He could fuck whoever he wanted. I was going to show him that I didn't   care. This was my space and I would spend the day painting and Ben   Lancaster could go to hell.

I worked on a piece I had started a few days earlier and just like all   the others lately, a large gaping mouth opened in the very center of the   canvas. The face was androgynous with undefined features and as I   stared at it, I knew this person was screaming. Screaming to get out.   Screaming to escape.

Screaming to live.

I grabbed my tools and got to work and it was hours before I put down my   brush and stood back, admiring my handy work. The air was thick with   humidity. It stuck to my skin, shrink-wrapped my white tank top to my   body and filled my nostrils with summer.

My heart was beating fast and I exhaled in an effort to calm myself,   running a hand through the thick, tangled waves of hair that fell past   my shoulders.

I took a step back, my eyes moving to the window. Outside the rain   washed the glass in a blurry stream and the images beyond weren't clear.   I saw color. Green. Pink and purple. Brown.

I took a step toward the door, my mind racing and it felt as if my skin   was pulled too tight. Before I could think about it, I tossed my white   flats and stepped out into the rain.

The grass was soft beneath my bare toes and the colors I'd seen from inside popped. Grass. Flowers. Earth.

Raising my head to the gray sky with my eyes closed, I stood there,   letting the gentle wash roll over me and slide down my body. I still   felt heavy but the rain was somehow light. It was warm and the sound of   it in my ear was calming.

Several long moments passed and with each of them I felt the tension   lessen. The heaviness evaporated like raindrops on heated blacktop.

I glanced toward the trees. I saw their branches bend toward me,   beckoning me, and slowly walked toward them until I disappeared inside   their embrace. The rain still fell, cleansing the earth, maybe cleansing   my soul and by the time I cleared the forest my body was humming   something fierce.

I was in hyper mode and I swear I could hear the grass growing, the ants   beneath their shadow, scurrying through the puddles … the blood rushing   through my veins, the frantic beat of my heart.

I rubbed moisture from my eyes-was it tears or rain? And it was then that I saw him.

Ben stared at me from across the yard. He was shirtless, hands shoved   into the front of his jeans and rain soaked hair a mad mess that clung   to his face and neck. He was far enough away that I couldn't see his   features clearly, but I felt him.