The Stillness Of You(17)

A few seconds later he was there, leaning against the doorframe, his   blond good looks, all scrunched up in an apology face. I saw that he   felt like shit. I was happy that he felt like shit and yet, how many   times had he been on the receiving end of my sad, apologetic face?                       
       
           



       

"G," he said softly. "I'm sorry."

At least he got right to the point. There was no waiting. No awkward silences.

Except that there was. I couldn't answer him and turned away. There was a   huge knot in my throat, everything was tight and it took a bit to  clear  it away. The emotion that pummeled my chest came out of nowhere  and I  realized that I wasn't just angry. Not by a long shot. I was so  hurt and  so sad that I couldn't speak.

"G?"

I shook my head, wanting to shout, ‘go away' ‘leave me alone' but that   stupid knot was still there and I didn't say anything. I just stared at   the floor and wished he'd leave because I knew I was going to lose it   and I sure as hell didn't want him to see me crying.

He took a step forward and I shook my head, violently. I don't know how I   managed to speak but I whispered hoarsely. "Why are you back so  early?"

"Joe called."

"Awesome. Now you have Joe watching out for me? Calling you because you don't trust your fucked up baby sister?"

"No, I had Joe let me know when you came home because I screwed up and   I'm sorry, and I was worried about you. I needed to see you, Georgia."

All my anger deflated at the look in his eyes. My shoulders slumped forward and it took a lot to keep from crying.

"It's not fair," I said shakily. "I don't want to be like this … like her, and it's not fair."

"I know."

For a moment there was silence, each of us lost in our thoughts … our   memories. "Nothing happened," I said eventually. "Between Ben and I."   God, the ache was awful. "A lot of guys would have left when I put the   brakes on, but he stayed and we slept together, but nothing happened."

"I know."

"I suppose Ben thinks I'm a freak."

Matt moved toward me and I inched to the left so that there was room for   him to slide in beside me. His arms went around my shoulders and I   turned to him, shuddering and wheezing as the tightness in my chest   moved up to my throat, scrubbing at my face as a tear escaped and slid   down my cheek.

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that."

"Did you tell him?" I asked hesitantly, dreading his answer. Did Ben know how truly defective I was?

"No. That's your deal and you can tell him when you're ready."

I heaved a sigh and shifted, my eyes on the floor. "Well, since I doubt   I'll be seeing him anytime soon, I guess I dodged that bullet."

"He wants to see you, G."

I turned to Matt in disbelief. "I find that hard to believe, but even if it's true, you're okay with that?"

Matt held my gaze. "You're better now, Georgia, and I've got to trust   that you're going to make good decisions. Seamus is helping and you're   taking your meds. You're not a kid and if Ben Lancaster is important to   you, I'm not going to stand in the way."

What the hell?

"Last week you told him that I was messed up. That I would mess him up."

"Last week I was an asshole."

"You got that right."

He smiled, a sad sort of smile that tugged at my heart. He squeezed my   shoulder gently. "I'm proud of you, G. You faced a monster and you're   dealing and I'm just … I'm just grateful we caught it in time. I'm   grateful that you're strong enough. I'm grateful that you're here."

Another tear slid from my eye and he wiped it away. "You're not Mom. I   get that now. She never accepted what needed to be fixed but you have,   and you deserve to be happy."

I still wasn't sure what was happening.

"You just … " he said softly.

"Just what?"

"You need to be honest with him about how you are … how you were, so he knows what he's getting into."

That was the surest way to send him running. What twenty-four year old   guy with the world at his feet was going to want to deal with me and my   problems? I exhaled and glanced up at the ceiling. "He doesn't want to   see me anyway, so you don't have to worry that I'll screw up your  golden  boy. I haven't heard anything from him since I left."

"I have."

A small glimmer of hope erupted inside me. It flushed hot and wove   through my body, tingling where it touched. I squirmed and raised my   eyebrows. "What are you saying?"

Matt grinned. "Look. He was pissed when he came back from his run and   you were gone. Pissed, and then worried, and then he made it clear to me   that he was going to continue to see you if it's what you wanted. He's   not a pussy that's for sure and I could tell that he was really into   you. I could tell that he meant what he said."                       
       
           



       

I took his words and held them close, letting them resonate inside me   for a moment. One blinding, happy, euphoric moment. And then it passed.

"He may have been into me for a few days but he never called or texted once."

"That's because he's waiting for you to come to him. He wanted to give   you some space and I gotta say, that's pretty big of him. It's up to   you, G, but if you want to see Ben he's out at his new place. Got the   keys yesterday."

Matt gave me a hug before sliding off the bed. "I'm meeting some guys at   O'Reilly's later, so if you want to borrow my wheels, feel free."

He tossed his keys onto my dresser and left.

I stared at them for so long my vision began to blur and with a groan I   rolled onto the bed, fingering the edge of my pillow as my eyes drifted   toward the sunlight streaming in from the window.

I wanted Ben. I wanted him badly.

But was I brave enough? Strong enough?

After a few moments I rolled back over and got to my feet, taking the   three steps it took to bring me to my dresser. I scooped the keys into   my hands and held my breath, and then something broke apart inside me,   like a little valve had just released. I exhaled nervously.

I guess I was going to find out.





Chapter Thirteen





Ben





I heard the doorbell from my perch in the back yard just as I cracked   open a cold beer. I was hot, thirsty as hell, and had just doffed my   dirty T-shirt when my sister Eden poked her head outside.

I had gone home to Canada for a few days and she'd come back with me.   She was supposedly ‘helping' me get settled but we both knew that was   bull. She'd just ended a pretty shitty relationship-a guy she had lived   with since college, a guy who had fucked around on her more than   once-and was feeling blue. I had offered her a distraction and she'd   taken it.

"Pizza?" I said, taking another swig. I'd worked my ass off trying to   get the yard cleaned up-cutting back the weeds, running the new riding   lawnmower around like a hillbilly-while she'd sunbathed on the deck. I   had a landscaping crew coming out in a few days to do the real heavy   work, but I couldn't stand to look at the mess until then.

Besides, I needed an outlet for all the nervous energy that had been   building inside me for days. Ever since that morning with Georgia.

Eden shook her head. "No, sorry I forgot to call our order in."

Her brow furrowed and she stepped out onto the deck. She wore a skimpy   black bikini top and a pair of old, worn jean shorts. Her long dark hair   was tied loosely on top of her head, her brown eyes direct as she   looked at me.

"What?" I took another swig of my beer but her words stopped me cold.

"There was a girl at the door but she left before I got a chance to tell   her you were out back. She looked a little upset and she seemed real   surprised to see me."

My heart took off and I jumped from low slung bench near the barbecue. Georgia. It had to be her.

Shit.

"Who is she?"

I hopped the railing, ignoring Eden's question, and ran around the house   hoping like hell she hadn't left yet. I rounded the corner and caught   sight of Matt's car as she tried to maneuver it around my truck.

The relief I felt was short lived because she'd just managed a three   point turn and was about to take off. With a burst of speed I shot   forward, jumping in front of her, a grin on my face, my hands   outstretched as she slammed on the brakes, the bumper missing me by an   inch.