The Man I Want to Be (Under Covers)(42)

Not that he couldn't give her children.

It was all she dreamed about since she was a young girl-the day she'd  hold her own children in her arms the way her mom used to hold her.  Playing dress up with her daughter and throwing the ball with her son.  And the man in those dreams-the father of those children-had always been  Bear. Always. There was no one else she wanted to share that life with.  The vision was so clear in her mind that it felt real. It would happen.

But he was saying it wouldn't. It couldn't.

A look of understanding passed over his face. "See?" he said gently. "We  can't be together. I'd only end up disappointing you. And that's  something I can't live with. I couldn't fathom you hating me because of  something I can't control. If I could've done something about it, I  would have. Believe me, Kenna, I tried."

She couldn't breathe. It was so much to process. "Why didn't you just tell me? Why didn't you let us work through it together?"

"I'm a coward. I couldn't see that look-the one you're giving me right  now-and have it etched in my brain forever. I just couldn't."         

     



 

His earlier words came back to her. Don't you see? I did the work for  you. I didn't come back so you'd never have to feel bad about leaving me  later on.

No, he hadn't wanted to save her from a hard decision. He just didn't  want to face her. It was his own lack of confidence that kept him away.  He should've known that if it came down to Kenna choosing Bear or being  without him, she'd always choose him. Always. No matter his condition.

Instead, he'd taken the easy way out.

"All this time," she said, her brain trying desperately to catch up. "I  blamed myself. I was convinced it was me. I wasn't enough. I wasn't what  you needed. But it was you. It was always you."

"You wouldn't be happy," he said. "You'd resent me because I'm not what  you need." He lifted his hand to place it against her cheek as if to  comfort her, but she spun away.

"You're right," she said, letting her anger bolster her courage. "You're not what I need."

His jaw hardened, and his hand dropped to his side. "Guess I was right. You hate me."

She didn't hate him. She never did. Not even when he didn't come back.  She was angry. But hate? She couldn't hate something she'd loved so  much.

But that love betrayed her trust. Had left her because he couldn't love  himself enough for the both of them. They'd lost twelve years together.  They'd never be able to get that time back.

He was right: they could never be like they were before. And no matter  how bad she thought she wanted them to be, she wasn't going to wish for  something that couldn't happen. She wasn't going to try to be with  someone who could so easily walk away if and when he thought he wasn't  good enough for her again.

Her heart had been through enough of that for one lifetime.

"Just go," she whispered. Hot tears burned her eyes, but she blinked them away.

He hesitated, seeming to test her words on his ears. "Kenna, I'm-"

"Get out," she said, a little more forceful.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I know you don't care right now, but I am. That's all I wanted to tell you. I'm sorry."

"Get out!" she screamed as tears poured down her cheeks. "I never want to see your face ever again. Stay the fuck away from me!"

He went pale, and the stricken look in his eyes was enough to tell her he understood and would accept her demand.

As the door closed behind him, she collapsed into bed, covering her body  with the thick comforter, attempting to shut out the rest of the world.





Chapter Twenty-One


After leaving Kenna in the hotel room hours ago, using every sliver of  his remaining strength to push aside the pain, Tyke spent most of the  evening searching for whatever he could find to solve the case. But he  was out of time. The wedding was taking place tomorrow afternoon, and he  still had zero leads.

Which was just as well. It's not like he expected to find the damn  things and then ride in on his white horse as Kenna's savior. That kind  of shit never happened to him. Instead, he was the villain who got  everyone captured, lost the gold, and ran out of time on the explosive  device.

He couldn't be her hero before, so he had no clue why he thought he could be her hero now. No matter how much he wanted to be.

Tyke thought about what she'd said to him before he walked out. He  pictured her face. Memorized her words. It was damn close to how he'd  pictured it in his mind twelve years ago. Except back then there had  been a glimmer of hope that maybe one day she'd accept him. That he'd  work up the courage to go back to her, and she'd find a way to look past  his inadequacy and want to be with him. But she didn't. She couldn't.

She was done with him for good this time. They were over. He'd seen it  in her expression. And no matter how much he told himself he could move  on. He couldn't. He'd spent the last twelve years in hell, and had to  prepare himself for a lifetime more.

If only he could feel worthy of her love. If only he could be what she deserved.

Tyke had just planted his boots in the sand and was cutting across the  dimly lit patio of the restaurant they'd had the rehearsal dinner in,  when a voice called out, "Hey, numb nuts. Over here."

Tyke scanned the area, finding only one table lit by a single candle,  occupied by the outline of a round body. Coming up closer, he saw that  it was Estelle.

She lowered her highball glass of amber liquid onto the table and glared  at him. "What the hell are you doing out here? Aren't you supposed to  be off looking for shit with Kenna?"         

     



 

"Not tonight, Estelle," he said, and started to walk past.

"Hold up, big guy."

He stopped but didn't turn to face her. "What?"

"Where is she?" Estelle asked. "She didn't come down for dinner, neither did you, so I figured … "

"What?" He spun to her. "What did you figure? That I'd sweep her off her  feet? That we'd pick up where we left off a decade ago? That she'd just  forgive and forget everything I'd done to her? I know you think you  have the whole male species figured out, Estelle, but I'm here to tell  you that you don't know shit."

"I know that you two love each other. That should be enough."

Laughter propelled out of him like a howl from a wolf on a full moon.  "Love. What good is love if there's nothing you can do to make things  right? To make them the way you want them to be?"

She stood then and sashayed around the table toward him with her full  hips. In the shadow, with nothing but candlelight to cast a soft glow  over her, he could see her appeal. She was confident in a way many women  her age weren't. "Nothin's ever the way you want it, Bryan. It never  is. That's the fun of it. How boring would love be if we all got what we  wanted?"

"Yeah, and how fucked up it is when we don't."

There was a pause, then, "Touché."

She came around to where he stood and rested her backside on the table  behind her. She braced one arm next to her full hip for balance, and the  other held her glass in front of her. "So what's the dilemma? You came  clean with her, and she kicked you out, that it?"

He knew no response would be answer enough.

Estelle made a thoughtful sound deep in her throat. "I figured honesty  would've done the trick. But the girl's more stubborn than I am."

No kidding.

"It's just as well," he said. "I'm no good for her anyway."

Her wrinkled features showed confusion. "What the hell are you talking  about? From what I understood, you were the only thing good for her."

He thought about holding back and not telling Estelle everything. He  normally would have. But he didn't have anything else to lose. He'd  stayed quiet long enough, and it hadn't done anything but ruin his and  Kenna's lives. So he told Estelle about his infertility and why he  wasn't good enough for Kenna.

To her credit, the older woman's face never changed from her pointed  stare as he outlined everything. Then she shrugged. "That's it?"

He sputtered his response. "I'm sterile, Estelle."

"Doesn't seem like much of a reason to beat yourself up for so long,"  she said. "It's not like you meant for it to happen or you did it on  purpose."

"But I can't do anything about it," he said, tightly. "I'm stuck this way."

"There ain't much in life we can control. What's your point?"

How hard of a concept was this for her to grasp?

Tyke rubbed his temples, not feeling any relief as his head continued to  pound. "I can't change who I am. I can't do anything to be what Kenna  needs. Therefore, I can't be with her. She'll end up resenting me."

Estelle let out an unladylike snort. "All you men are the same. So  focused on your shortcomings while missin' the bigger picture."

He gritted his teeth. "What exactly is the bigger picture here?" He was no good for Kenna. End of story.